Right(eous) Timeline Of Affair?

If only life is as simple as we want it to be. Affair is the adult version of acting out in the relationship.
@Jazmine83- although you were miserable in your previous marriage. I assume you had hope that one day it will get better. I think that's what makes people stay in bad marriages. Do you agree?

 

I don't think it is black and white. Absence of love and intimacy from the husband and on top of it other issues does drive one crazy. Even after talking to the husband, the husband doesn't listen and doesn't do anything, that increases the frustration. The husband has not kept his side of the marriage vows. It is also possible that the husband may be gay or may be having a secret affair and is living a good life with his own needs satisfied while the obedient wife taking care of the house.

But I don't think anyone goes out one day thinking I am going to have an EMA. Typically, it starts from simple friendship that slowly progresses from one stage to another without one even actually realizing that they are in an EMA. There may not be any formal proposal. Just having coffee, then lunch, going for movies, sharing common interest activities, etc leads one thing to the next. Any further distance or neglect from the husband accelerates the frustration.
So it is not fair to say that what the person did is bad or unacceptable. Yes, the "Have-Ones" can preach that they wouldn't do it at any cost or the ones that did are wrong. And no one can say how one would react unless they are in that situation. A person with full stomach can preach stealing is bad and I would never steal. But what would happen if that person has no food to feed herself or her child and she sees food. Wouldn't she steal? At that point does the mind think of morality and spirituality?

Similarly, a person who has normal sex life and a good husband and no IL problems can always preach that they wouldn't indulge or even drift in an EMA. But would they have the same amount of control of mind and body when they are put in a situation void of all of the above?

Just try not having food for five days and then see how many rational decisions our minds make.

 

There are too many subjective issues involved.

1. Emotional (mental?) infidelity / dishonesty. What is it to be 'attracted' to a person? This can range from "Oh, nice looking woman/man or drop dead attractive person" to spending a lot of time with the person going to films, restaurants etc. without any physical involvement. When does it count as emotional dishonesty? For ex. does going weak kneed at the sight of an Amir Khan or Salman Khan (or Dev Anand or Rajesh Khanna for the oldies ) classify as emotional dishonesty?

2. What is honesty in marriage? We have to assume that the marriages (where fingers are pointed at a dishonest spouse) are very honest in the first place: meaning they are together because they love each other or at least they love each other after they got together and if they are not, they opt out of the marriage. If they live in a loveless 'marriage' at all levels, then it is no longer a marriage (IMO). So the question of infidelity, dishonesty is fundamentally inapplicable - I am not talking legalities in this case. In fact, if everything else was fine, if they were happy together, if the marriage was a 'success', then the issue would not arise at all.

 

more the confusion, more the trouble.

i wouldn't prefer having a hot coffee and immediately an ice cream or vice versa or having both at a time

 

So basically, you already had plans/desire to leave your hubby however lacked guts to carry on. You got the slip you needed from his side and all the suddenly you think you made a great decision.

I don't see any personal strength in that decision.

 

1)I think the marriage ends when one person gives up finally and the other doesn't care enough about it.(care enough to fix the problems ...not just stall)

2)Can one control feelings? Feelings are what they are,the heart will beat faster and you cannot do anything,the eyes will seek .....one can only control acting on them.
The only guarantee against these feelings is being content and lazy in a relationship.

3)When you are done with the marriage and have conveyed the message.When you can walk out of the relationship without worrying about ex.....because if you still worry,then you are probably not past point 1.

 

Satchi and Aks,
If you are in a loveless marriage, you have to take steps to fix it, or if its hopeless situation and you have tried and tired of it now, then take steps to convey the end of marriage to partner and move on. You cannot keep staying in it without interest and then suddenly EMA, thats absolutely wrong. Take steps to convey end of marriage, what is the whole being passive and staying in the marriage mutedly, and then EMA? Thats very wrong (yes even though wrong does happen in the world), Cheating is never a pardonable solution.

Aks - how is frustration a justification for ema? If you are frustrated, tell your spouse that the marriage is completely over, rather than cheat while in it. You cannot not want to rock the boat (by official divorce or move out), but still want needs met by ema. Thats like wanting to have the cake and eat it too. Namesake stay mutedly, but get the sex/emo needs met outside

H can feel like slapping his wife or viceversa, H can feel like gambling and drinking, feelings can be many. Acting on it is different and thats why human beings need to process to see whats right versus just act on it.

 

@Jazmine83 , if you hated it so much, and were unable to come to a clear decision to leave the marriage, that does not mean EMA (by your H) is acceptable in that case. EMA may have brought end to your marriage, but that does not mean in some cases ema is ok, right?

 

It is great to read that there still are people thinking in the way you conveyed. It makes me happy.

 

I am certainly no supporter of EMAs, as might be clear through many of my posts in the past, but that was generally in the context of flippant reasons such as 'boredom' or 'it happened' even though they have a very good spouse, children and a happy family. If we are talking entirely in general about how one must conduct oneself in case of an unhappy marriage, I agree with you that the best way out is to leave the marriage (if there is no way of reconciliation). No two ways about that.

However we are dealing with marriages in a society where the institution is far from what one would term 'ideal'.

1. Arranged marriages
2. Very little time to get to know each other
3. Defined and fairly rigid roles for males and females in the family and social set up
4. Expectations of women particularly unrealistic and unfair
5. Family control tremendous
6. The concept of a marriage of families rather than of individuals

This kind of setup is far from an ideal situation for a young couple to bond and even more difficult for women to express themselves. (I don't count their 'freedom' or ability to work and do well in their careers as a sign of complete independence or freedom). Marriages (barring some lucky ones) seem to be a contract for life than anything else to start out with - despite any ritualistic promises made at the wedding ceremony. If a good relationship develops along the way, wonderful. If it does not (as in the case of the 'other' thread), well, that is a case of a contract gone bad - promises not delivered. It is not a marriage at all and such a marriage is only symptomatic of a bad system.

I agree with Rihana when she says that it is not easy for all women to come out of a marriage, no matter what they want or however hard they try. If a woman in that situation develops an emotional attachment to another person, who am I to sit in judgment? I may not feel so tolerant, though, of a physical affair.

No, I don't support staying passively in such a relationship and simultaneously having an EMA if it is a conscious thing. If it is something that happens unintentionally as it did in the case of the OP in the other thread, then I am inclined to feel more sympathetic towards her.

I would like to clarify that the same set of rules would apply to both genders.

P.S. Have to learn the art of precis writing. Any gurus willing to take up the challenge of teaching me the skill?