What a parents are not impartial

Rihana...
Please do not sweep the grief of a child and their spouse etc etc..under one large blanket. U do the child a great deal of disservice.
The closest analogy I can give at the risk of annoying pet owners.
I once had a colleague who lost her baby to SIDs . She was insoloable. There were days when she would break down at work. We would just hold her and not talk. Anything we would say seemed too hollow.
One of those days..I witnessed one of most insensitive comments from her acquaintance" Oh I know how u feel. I lost my pet recently"
I think that comment broke her down like nothing else had.
No u dont .U dont ever equate the love or a grief for a pet to that which a mother has for a child. And in the same tone I tell u..do not compare the child who has suffered a long pattern of favoritism and abuse (for it is abuse) from a parent to the rant of a DIL
who thinks the property division could have been fairer. Yes it might make the thread more dramatic but its not true.
And I repeat what I said earlier...had the thread been from a child the response and my suggestion would be different. It takes a lot for a child to come out and talk about parental abuse/favoritism. Regardless of whether u are the favored child or not. And when they do I think most at IL know how to respond. Give us some credit.

More pertinent to the thread How to cope. I dont know. I am completely out of depth. I have seen what parents can do and how children suffer from it long long after they leave home ...but almost always came short of how to help them handle it. I could only offer a hug and shoulder to cry on. I shall watch the thread for some good pointers.


And with that...have a good weekend!

 

Sorry @rihana, I diverted ur thread...but fair assessment of partiAlity done be parents is the first step towards dealing with hurt...understanding parents time n era and their thought process is needed....as I believe that many parents must be having their own reasons for specified behaviour....

I never considered that daughters have any right on parent's property until they are ready to take parent's responsibility and making them part of their family as the son do....
One of my sister is not financially well....after my father's death I felt my mother did wrong with her being partial with her...I felt that some part of property should be given to her as her right as she is not so well to do....plus I feel she is in this condition because my parents chose wrong partner for her....and my parents wanted their gals completely docile ....she had no say in the marriage.....
My father left sufficient inheritance so she should be helped out....but my mother gave everything to my brother....so I felt that she was partial towards my brother here....I felt hurt for my sister....I know my sister was hurt too....but I know my mother belongs to era where she thinks that property goes to son only....

 

Well, I have seen two adult kids cope with parents unfairness. They realized that the parents were partial to the other siblings and when things crossed a threshold .... they took a hard look at life... cried/ felt sad for some days.... now the parents are kept at an emotional distance and treated as guests.... its a hard decision but they are happy- they keep no expectations from the parents and in turn have made it clear that parents cannot expect anything in return either...

 

<Removing the rant>

Talking it out is supposed to heal, but how does one really do that when all our life we live under the " matru devo bhava, pitru devo bhava" [rever parents as god] doctrine? Do we become the crass, selfish ones because we cry foul? Do we have the courage to cry foul? Do we stop loving them or sympathizing during their troubles?

 

Nice thread rihana, but ii haveto say I liked jag's post too, we can never really understand the hurt of a child who was mistreated and grew up with partiality. If we talk about this a spouse, I feel we can observe that spouse is not fairly treated but can you really say to them or do anything , mostly no.parents hold such important position that it can take years before you feel you were wronged and I as a wife would never point if my husband was treated with partiality. I have seen partiality on first hand with a cousin who are three sisters and one brother and no surprise but boy was much pampered than girls to the extent of partiality in food, clothes and even education. All girls went to a normal school n boy was sent to costliest school they could afford.girls gave tuitions to make money for college as parents never had money for them but miraculous money came when.boy asked, it was disgusting to the core.what could we do?? As a first you can offer emotional support and financial help.it is better not to say anything as it can bring more hurt and tears.as for the girls, they grew up to be emotional much distant to parents , have a good career and family life and the eldest who suffered the most , as she was blamed for bringing two more after her , is most alof and comes to india and Vists all relatives and meets parents for hours like a distant relative.she prefers to stay with other relatives with whom she has happy childhood memories. since she is abroad and her parents wanted their darling son to come here they asked her to sponser his higher education , she refused right away and later told me , yes she has money and means but she also knows her parents will find some way for their son as they always have.
Second thing I observed is she feels and treats parents like a ordinary human being and not the god like thing which many of us do. In her case guilt is not there as parents always said son will look after them and daughters are paraya dhan, so it kind of freed her emotionally.