Need help urgent

OP, I agree with what Rihana has said. I have a theory about why you are unable to just be firm and sensible as Rihana suggests above. Your mother is clearly a bully, and she is manipulative. You have not really dissociated from her, as children are supposed to do in the course of their normal development.

Instead, you depend on her approval and feel insecure, uncertain, and afraid (it is a formless dread, but it renders you helpless) when you don't have it. She has probably spent her whole life withholding affection from you, and punishing you for not complying with her every whim and fancy. You may be stuck in childish patterns of behavior because of this emotional abuse.

Do you recognize these feelings and behaviors in yourself? If so, it might be a little easier now, with insight, for you to understand why you react like a helpless child when confronted with the prospect of her rage and rejection. I know she is your mother, but unfortunately, not every mother always has her child's best interests at heart.

Please accept the fact that your husband and child/children (who all have my deepest sympathy, innocent pawns as they are in this cruel game your mother plays) are more deserving of your love, sympathy, energy and time than your mother.

You are coming to this forum and clinging to the advice you get here, instead of taking action, because your mother has made you unable to think and act for yourself where she is concerned. We can only help you to a certain extent; your husband is the one you really should be leaning on if you must have another adult tell you what to do.

No one (except your mother) will blame you for anything if you stand up to her. We have a duty to our parents, but it only extends so far, especially when we marry and have families of our own. You have to dig deep and find the strength to do what is right and necessary.

We can blame our parents for many things, but at some point, when we are adults and able to act for ourselves, we have to stop blaming and start learning from the past, and act accordingly. Your own worst enemy right now is not your mother, but you. Don't allow her to have so much authority in your life.

If you stand up to her and just say no, there's a chance she will throw a tantrum like a toddler. She may threaten to never speak to you again, try to co-opt friends and relatives into shunning you, and other soap-opera like tactics. If this happens, let it happen. It is not your job to ensure she is happy or behaving like an adult. She'll just make a fool of herself. You retain your dignity and do what's best for your family.

Have you tried therapy? It may gave you the strength to stand on your own two feet. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your husband and child. They are more important than placating a drama queen, even if she gave birth to you.

 

She cannot invite herself over. You should tell her she will have to stay in a hotel. This is what an American family would do. I think it's crazy for parents to stay for extended time and turn everything upside down.

 

That was a very nice post by poster Ansuya above me. Read it and reread it. You have a duty to your parents but it only extends so far. Very good line.

 

HI
I know you must be feeling really bad about all this. Please tell her "Sorry" and make some excuse and go for a holiday with your DH and have Fun!!!

 

Since you seem to be torn, you will have to sugarcoat your response to her or give some other reason such as-you may be going on a domestic/overseas trip but dont know when exactly, or that your IL side relatives are visiting or revamping house or something like that.

 

Dear OP,
Your DH is right , your Mom's visit will make you anxious.
Just think that if instead of Mom your MIL was behaving in the same way then how would you have reacted??
Treat your Mom like a MIL doing the same things and you will feel much better and not guilty at all.
Any DIL would have created havoc if her MIL had done the same stuff.
Your DH is treating your Mom as his MIL which she is.

 

Many here have given you so many advices. Please try and follow them. Try to divert your mind. Ask yourself what good it is going to do to you dwelling in past. I have a friend whose parents are not understanding. She is hurt about it but she knows what her priorities are clearly. She never let it effect her baby or her husband. She gives them the complete attention they need.
See, there are so many people who have unreasonable parents, sibling, spouse, children, friends, boss, colleagues etc etc. Most of us go through painful relationships but we learn to move on for our own good.
This is new year, but you still recall old memories. It shows you have not moved on a bit from there.
You need to understand some people are very unreasonable and there is nothing much you can do about it.
I hope you are giving your complete attention to your baby. Is it a boy or a girl? How is your baby doing?