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Problem With Younger Cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Dec 12, 2016.

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  1. Dec 20, 2016 #91
    Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Did they give you a time frame of how long you are expected to be at your inlaws helping them out?
    Rethink before saying yes for leaving the 3 year old behind. Can you not take him with you? I bet you wont spend all day cooking/cleaning.

    I am all for helping people when they have health issues but make sure you are not being treated like a maid for being a good person.
     
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    #91
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  2. Dec 20, 2016 #92
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a history of being so good at managing tons of work, for example, making idli batter for guests to take even though husband suggested not doing that. So, it is but natural that husband will have this expectation. Time to fix the expectation level. Time to slowly make it clear that you can do this efficient multi-tasking for your household, but that does not mean you can simply take off and go to India and do the same.

    Keep your hurt and sadness at husband's expectation aside. Focus on what to do. Arranging for his mother's care is his job, not yours. Don't take it upon yourself to find a live-in maid, they will not be happy with any options you suggest.

    Don't make this a big argument, and a tipping point to assert yourself. Simply say you cannot go due to the certification, younger one being small, and that taking one month off is not easy. Keep saying it is better he goes. Keep your words minimal, and say them calmly. No extended discussion of the matter, with him, or on phone with SIL, BIL, co-sis.

    He can go, and can find live-in help, and supervise that help and get her trained in 3-4 weeks. It is just easier for him if you go and deal with all that, while he takes care of kids here, and gets brownie points for managing without you and the sacrifice he is making for his mother.

    Though, you should also think a little about the future and the past. Has he helped you when you needed such help in the past? Any other times when he has done something big for you? What if in the future you need to go to India, and he says he cannot take care of kids, so you should not go.

    If you go, go without too much drama. If you don't, achieve that also with minimal discussions and unpleasantness.
     
    Rihana, Dec 20, 2016
    Rihana, Dec 20, 2016
    #92
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  3. Dec 20, 2016 #93
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask him in plain language if he thinks you are just a maid. Also ask him if the situation were reveresed and one of your parents needed care, would he go to their house to cook and clean? :rage:
    People take advantage of you when you don't stand up for yourself.
     
    MalStrom, Dec 20, 2016
    MalStrom, Dec 20, 2016
    #93
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  4. Dec 20, 2016 #94
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    ^^^ Don't do that plainspeaking. Not going to help beyond a temporary satisfaction of having spoken your mind. Illness of the elderly makes everybody emotional, and the outspoken person gets branded for life as uncaring.
     
    Rihana, Dec 20, 2016
    Rihana, Dec 20, 2016
    #94
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  5. Dec 20, 2016 #95
    Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Ofcourse, that is what i am dealing with.
     
    Trustcarelove, Dec 20, 2016
    Trustcarelove, Dec 20, 2016
    #95
  6. Dec 20, 2016 #96
    Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, if your deal is to go there one month, think long and hard if you want to refuse it. Everyone have their own level of acceptance. Yours is going to be different from some of us. You do what you feel comfortable with.

    will helping her going to bring you peace? If yes, I would suggest you to go. If the situations are reversed, he will not do it for your parents but you are you and he is him. have the inlaws been good to you? if yes, i would recommend you to go. Take your 3 year old with you. dont bend backwards in trying cook 10 dishes or keep the house sparkling clean. if money is not an issue, there is no lack of help in India. Get a maid.

    exams will take a beating. yes. As I said, do what you feel comfortable it.
    Yes you are going to lose the whole years vacation in one go. Yes you may end up going on unpaid leave. BUT, if going there is what you think is right, you should do it. Would I do it? Probably not but from what you say, it looks like the problem is not going, its the husband's attitude.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    #96
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  7. Dec 20, 2016 #97
    Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry if I have missed anything, but I thought you were living in US..your DH is expecting you to leave the kids in US and go to MIL for cooking etc? I mean for cooking and cleaning etc maid can be hired, help can be arranged....maybe I am new to this situation..I dont know how to deal with this situation but I strongly feel that people here in US cannot just drop everything like jobs kids etc and go to India and be help to ILs.. unless of course its something serious.. my ILs stay around other relatives within 5 to 10 min distance...
     
    Meet9, Dec 20, 2016
    Meet9, Dec 20, 2016
    #97
  8. Dec 20, 2016 #98
    Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Silver IL'ite

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    Thank You all. Infact my SIL is calling her and my FIL to stay with them in Bangalore until my MIL is ok but she doesn't want to go..Anyways they are looking for someone to help her with cooking and basic house hold chores.
    I may not be going, but just wanted to vent out. I can very well if i am in my husband shoes, he is not going to tell me to go or he is not going to go and take care of my parents..

    Ofcourse, I have my brother's wedding coming up in April...to discuss about that i may have to start a new thread..
    This is my only brother's wedding and last wedding in my parents side family in our generation. There is whole another problem going on around it...My parents are in chennai but the wedding will be in our native one hr drive from my inlaws place...

    My parents fixed the wedding date only after talking to my husband which date will work for him. My husband told me to tell him how many days in my parents place and in my ILS place..so i made a nice excel sheet ...5 full days with my inlaws and whenver we are in our native , we can go visit them and be with them...

    I was put down on this idea/ plan and he made me to increase that to 8 days with inlaws ( all 4 of us) and remaining days in marriage..since this is happening in our native, he also suggested , why shoudl we go to chennai..can we just go to tthe wedding straight from my inlaws place? which I declined ...

    so this is going on one side, we haven;t booked the tickets for that yet...

    He said, if my first plan is my firm plan, you just go alone and don;t come back..be with your parents forever..

    So now this situation..so many things in my plate, i am unable to even be myself...
     
    Trustcarelove, Dec 20, 2016
    Trustcarelove, Dec 20, 2016
    #98
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  9. Dec 20, 2016 #99
    soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all, if a person is old enough to get married, they are old enough to help. Hell, my cousin's 8 & 12 year old daughters helps out at home! Their mother has gone through a lot of surgeries and both kids help with mopping, cutting veggies, making tea and coffee, even light cooking and serving guests. Even if the woman doesn't know a lot of cooking, she should be willing to do basic chores and not expect to be waited on hand and foot. Nope!
     
    soulful, Dec 20, 2016
    soulful, Dec 20, 2016
    #99
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  10. Dec 20, 2016 #100
    Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    oh his way or high way? I take back my suggestion. No need to go help your inlaws.
     
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    Rakhii, Dec 20, 2016
    #100
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