Zapped out...

poojachinoy · Dec 9, 2012

I had a gruesome fight with MIL today..for 4 hrs..husband was just listening to both sides...my MIL was saying my husband that I need to start working as soon as possible because our infertility treatments are costing too much..I am waiting for a job..and undergoing infertility treatments at the same time..she asked openly for dowry today...I don't even remember what all she said..BUT,this time I stood up BIG TIME..because my husband too was asking me to sell my gold and invest in house so that I can manage infertility treatments..I was pissed at him and his mom for this..Its not like he does not have money..we have saved up a lot for these treatments and in the end this is what being said..

She said that she wants to get his son married off again...

Well whatever she said I retorted back big time towards his mom and him separately in room...I asked her to go and get his son married second time so she can taste what a real bahu is..i said her if your husband will get 1000 proposals,so can I....she said he is my husband only till my room and rest he is my son..I said I will bring in the law so that we clearly understand what my rights as a wife are in this country..

I don't know what turn my life will take now..but I needed to stand for my self respect..come what may

How do I proceed now?

There have been soo many things said..I can't recollect..

1Sandhya · Dec 9, 2012

Pooja,

Just chill and dont take tension. Nothing will happen. All these things, her nature, her demands are known things. Only new thing that happened y'day was that you stood up for yourself. If there is any reaction for that it will take a few days to show up. It will take time for them to digest this new you.

You stop looking or acting guilty or waiting for some 'reaction' for your speaking out and just go about your normal business. Keep a normal face and do the normal things. Act normally. Mentally try to plan a good solution to the main problem which is about the cost of the fertility treatments. Look into options. I know some couple who went and got it done in India due to cost issues. Is that possible for you? Check into it. Make a decision on where you are going to go for FT based on what is best for you. Take a good hard look at the cost. Can you take a loan? Discuss with Dh when both are calm and decide for this together, this is how much they will cost and this is how we will take care of FT payments: maybe through some projected % of your future job, or from your combined income after you also get a job.

If you do this, next time MIL starts her rantings, both of you will be able to answer her about the money being spent. You will be able to shut her mouth because you will have a proper reply for her. Then she cant bring in dowry, second wife etc. And if she appeals for help to her darling son, your h will be able back you up since there is already a plan in place.

tulipzz · Dec 9, 2012

Pooja, I see that you are in the US... Is your mil in the US too? If no, you are giving her way toooooo much importance. Why should she even know about your fertility treatments etc?

poojachinoy · Dec 9, 2012

Thanks for the reply sandhya

We have money saved up for infertility issues..we knew this would be coming so I had been saving from the past 2 yrs and by grace of GOD it's a lot..money is not the probmel..the issue is she can't see her son spending for my infertility treatments..she wants him to spend only on his sisters..

And plus maybe the future 1wk vacation we had planned in dec last wk is what provoked her..she wanted to ruin it and I fell for the trap..

poojachinoy · Dec 9, 2012

@ tulipzz

She is in US,unfortunately

tulipzz · Dec 9, 2012

poojachinoy said: ↑

@ tulipzz

She is in US,unfortunately
Click to expand...

And joint family? No matter where they live, Indian MILs are just the same.

Hope you find a way to deal with her without losing your peace. Baby dust to you!!

rose8282 · Dec 9, 2012

This is ugly. Why cant your husband ask his mother to keep quiet? He just needs to say, "I'll deal with this,just stop worrying". In no way is this disrespectful,if that is his concern.What happens between both of you should remain behind closed doors.Is she living with you guys forever? What work are you intending (or she is expecting) to do if you want to? I know you are preparing for dental school,correct me if Im wrong?

poojachinoy · Dec 9, 2012

@tulipzz-yes it's a joint family as he is the only son with 4 elder sisters..

@rose-I had to hide my profession before because my SIL's drop in every other weekend and my iPad will be at their and their children's liberty..now I simply don't care...anyways,I am a doctor(MBBS)..passed my exams and waiting for matching season to get done with that will be in march to know if I land a residency or not..in the meanwhile she wants me to take up odd job..but I have taxing infertility treatments going on and I want to take rest till I hear news on my residency..I am not against odd jobs...but what is this force..she is saying i should pay for my own clothes,treatmnets and other necessities..basically,she wants me to leave her sons finances and support myself while still being in this marriage...

1Sandhya · Dec 9, 2012

Pooja,

Is it? That's very good that you planned it in advance like that. But, see in post #1 you said your hubby also agreed with MIL and told you to sell your gold and buy a house or something like that. (Though how that is related to paying for your treatment makes no sense to me. But my confusion doesnt matter.) If he knows money is saved up then it was really too bad of him to talk like that. If he really said that, and sided with MIL then I would not just leave it, if I were you. Talk to him privately and find out what is in his mind. Has he changed his mind about the saved up money or what? Better to find out ASAP, dear.

poojachinoy · Dec 9, 2012

@sandhya...he wants me to sell gold and invest in property(house)..for which the down payment should be through my gold...and then give that house on rent so that the rest of mortgage can be payed with it and i can save some for my infertility treatments...but by gods grace i had been saving from his salary since 2 yrs for these treatments and we have enough...i dont mind investing it and being a help to my husband..but,then i will simply loose all that gold which is accumulated by my father since childhood for me..and since he is no more it has more of a sentimental value...i could still give it up..but i dont feel its needed now..because we r not in dire need of money now..and i know till i dont land a job and i invest in house i wont even get hold of that rent money..and neither will i get any gold..since its been so many yrs since marriage and my husband never gifted me anything gold till now..so even my gold and the money with it both will be gone..

he came home tonite from overtime work and i spoke with him...he completely denied it and is being good with me...i guess he just escaping the situation..will bring up this topic when i find the appropriate time..as now my MIL is totally against me and if i loose his support too then it will get really tough..so i will bring up this topic soon but not right now...

P.S-this is not a new me...i had an altercation just like this an yr ago where her reasons were my looks,my height,my colour...and now its this...