1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Your turning point.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by incarnation, Sep 13, 2010.

  1. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Folks ,

    I got really depressed and affected by my MIL and DH Mama Boys issue..
    But now there is this time when I am not affected by it , I dont give a heed..
    I am a stronger person...

    But there was an instance ...when That started happening...

    My MIL was remote controlling that I should not where Jeans while travelling and all the crap by continuously calling multiple times to me and my DH.

    So My DH said that you do what my mother is saying ...and XYZ....blah blah..
    I literally heard it as Blah Blah ... I just responded in anger.."I am an adult , educated , Have been working for many many years and very decent in all aspects, I dont even wear sleeveless(that is my preference , I donot condemn anybody else)..How can you all decide for me what I should wear or not wear , everybody else except for me decides for me, I am the person who is wearing..cannot decide ? This is how much you are controlling me.. I detest ..I will decide for myself , you or anybody is no-one decide for me.. , You are not my "master" , Thats it..."

    He was quiet surprised and taken aback by my reaction like that , where I stood for myself in the best way , where he was dumbfounded..

    Hence "started" my journey of self realisation and self respect...

    What is your story...

    -inc
     
    Loading...

  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Incarnation,

    I didn't always have the happy married life I have today.

    Dh's and mine early married life was very troubled... mostly from my mil's interference, and also it was our own fault for letting her control us. So fault lies with both mil and us.

    The turning point came when I realized we were having more unhappy days together than happy ones. And I started to wonder 'what is the point of this marriage if it is going to be like this'?

    It was at that point where I vowed to myself that I was never going to be made miserable by anyone else again. Either I would live happy with my dh, or live happy without him... but definitely not live unhappy with him. That was no longer an option to me, because I was fed up with being sad and miserable.

    I talked with him and let him know where I stood. I made it clear that he needed to chose between his mom or me. I said he needed to stop acting on her words and letting her remote control our lives, or this marriage was over! It wasn't a threat.... it was simply an analysis of what our marriage was... nearly over!

    Today I share a good relationship with my dh and my inlaws. And I feel, my dh made a good choice (me :)). I feel... you can only have one mom in life, and one wife. And a mom needs to be a mom, and a wife needs to be a wife. Neither should try to cross over into each other's territory. If a mom tries to push her son's wife out of his life... it is up to the son to stop that. My mil makes the best mom to my dh, and I make the best wife to my dh. Now that my mil understands that, we've had a good relationship.

    So that's my turning-point story.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,334
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Mine was an arranged marriage; in the sense that DH and I were talking over the phone for just one month and then got married. We both were living in different countries because of work and Visa constraints for 8 months. I think because of this long distance, we used to end up in constant fights. Our in-laws interference was really less. Its just between the both of us...the separation dint sink in well at all. Of course there were things going on at in-laws side too but mostly its between us both.

    Almost everyday I used to cry myself to sleep and he used to be upset. One fine day I had enough. I started wondering why we are fighting so much. Why...both of us have changed so much that we dread to take each others calls. Is it advisable even to relocate to his country now...should i separate..all sorts of thoughts.
    Out of the blue it strikes. I started going back to day 1 of our meeting. I realized he basically is a good person. So, I used that as my starting point. I started looking things from his eyes, from the view that he is a good man. That's when I started seeing his point.
    I think that was my turning point. Our relationship started improving drastically. When my demeanor changed, he too changed. We fought less frequently. Slowly there came a time when we have one of those occasional fights (like most married couple) but we deal with it soon.
     
  4. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Rakhii and ASG,

    I see that my story is similar to ASG...Things are going that way..
    I tried talking many times to my DH , it is recently he has started accepting communication and things are becoming better.

    Probably I have to use your statement... "I made it clear that he needed to choose between his mom or me. I said he needed to stop acting on her words and letting her remote control our lives, or this marriage was over! It wasn't a threat.... it was simply an analysis of what our marriage was... nearly over!"
    actually I have given him this analysis that our marriage is over until things continue..So he is getting the hang of it

    Thanks for sharing your story , probably many people with both spouses good people still having issues can use many of the paths already used here.Me alos things striked out of the blue in my head and it worked after many years of marriage , may it wouldnt have worked before.

    Thanks , but we are looking for MORE turning point stories... Please contribute , even if the turning point is small one .....not with very great impact...

    -inc
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Uhh.... just be careful with that statement. Whenever you issue an ultimatum, you've got to be prepared to be the loser. When I told my dh to chose between me and his mom, I fully accepted that he MAY chose his mom and then I would have to pack my bags and start my life over. So it's really a loaded statement and you've got to be ready to hear something you don't want to hear.

    Also, the change in your hubby won't come from any words you say or ultimatums you give (they can only get him to THINK). It would have to be a change HE wants. He would have to decide that in addition to YOU wanting to save the marriage, HE wants it too. In order to support you in front of his parents, he'd have to want it from his own heart.... else he'll never find the strength to stand up to them.
     
  6. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    I am already in that ultimatum phase with him , I am prepared for being a looser , I hve told him , I am a just watching silently, how you save the marriage ,as I am exhausted saving the marriage .He is now trying to save , and getting to know what it takes.. :)

    I am mentally liberated now ...

    I see your mental state and mine are very similar , what you have written , is what I am in already , exactly ...
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2010
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Ouch, I really feel for you then. When I was in that phase of not know where my relationship was at, how my dh felt, where my future was headed... my stomach was in knots every day! It was an extremely stressful time in my life! :bonk

    Whenever things get tough, just remind yourself that nothing lasts forever... and that this too shall pass. That thought got me through a lot of the hard moments. I hope your dh decides to support you. Loving your parents is a natural and great thing. But becoming so obsessed with them that it ruins your life, your marriage, and your future, is not healthy. A lot of Indian men seem to have a hard time differentiating between love and obsession. So give your dh time to figure it all out.
     
  8. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks a lot ASG for your emotional support.
    I am very well liberated ...and know this shall too pass , But my DH is having a time I suppose , where he is having knots in his stomach, I am relaxing and enjoying it... as I am not afraid of the outcome...I have been living with hardtimes since ever , it will be just extension for me ,if it is negative.
    If it is positive , then ,I may have a better life , but a void is there , time lost, which no one can fulfill..

    -inc
     
  9. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    come on folks , there are some great turning points some of the friends have discussed, Please come forward and discuss...

    -inc
     
  10. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    well Dear My life hasn't turned yet but My MIl Life turned after 35 years of her amrraife when here MIL died. MY FIL used to be a domination orthodox husband who used to beat and torture my MIl and now he has become henpecked and he cut all his contacts with his own brothers and sisters.
    My elder Sis in law life turned after 10 yrs of her marriage life after her MIl died of cancer till the day she was alisve she tortured my MIl.
    Now I ahve one example of my cousin. whose MIL is stilla alive but her life turned becoz after 15 yrs of her married life her Sis in law got marrie who was tortured like hell at her inlaws place. before that my cousin used to suffer in like hell daily living with MIl and taunting sis in alw. but tegh day her sis in law got married to more torturous inlaws there was a situation where no one from her family was allowedto talk to her except my Cousin so my cousin's status raised and even if her Mil wants to poke her her FIla nd DH supports her and made her teh queen of the house. This is her turning point. I am just waiting for the turning point to happen in my life.
     

Share This Page