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Your advise on my re-marriage

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by pkwebbs, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. pkwebbs

    pkwebbs New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    I'm a regular follower of this forum and found answers to my issues even without asking you the questions.

    Now I need your sincere advise on my re-marriage. I'm a 40 years old divorcee since 11 years with a girl of 12 years. I was clear and confident till these years that I don't need a man to up-bring my baby or for anything else. I'm financially strong working as an Accounts Manager in a travel MNC.

    This gentleman, owns a 10 member IT company in Chennai, who is known to me since 5 years had proposed me a couple of months ago. He is still single even at the age of 39 and he is so fond of my baby girl right from the very first day we met in 2006 thro one of my maternal relative. Even my daughter, a stubborn hard to handle girl, listens to him and follows what ever he says. I know his family consisting of his widowed mother, two well settled brothers.

    I spoke to his mother and she was so happy to have me as her daughter-in-law. Also my daughter was so attached to his mother that my daughter had accepted his mother as her grand mother - paatti.

    Now the problem is that my daughter had accepted his mother as her grand mother - paatti, his elder brothers as periyappas and their kids as her cousins. But she is NOT able to accept him [my man] as her father - appa.

    I dont know the reason why my daughter is NOT accepting him as her father. In fact, she has not even lived with her biological father, as I was thrown out of the house when my daughter was just a month kid. And she never spoke or never showed interest to her biological father when he came once or twice for the settlement process.

    Please give me your advise or help in knowing what makes my daughter in not accepting my gentleman as her father.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2011
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I don't blame your daughter. She is absolutely right to feel the way she feels. If she wants to think of your ex as her father, she is entitled to do so, because that's what he is!!

    My advice to you is to explain to her that nobody is trying to take her father's place and that this new man in your life isn't going to be 'her dad' in the same way that your ex was. Rather, he is going to be your husband and watch over you and her. Don't make her call him 'dad'. If his name is ''Raj', you might just let her call him 'Mr. Raj' or 'Uncle' or something like that. Over time, once she see's what it's really like having a father figure who is actually involved in her life, she will probably start calling him 'appa' all on her own.

    Ask her what her fears are about you getting married again, and why she is having a problem accepting this guy. Listen to her. If her fears are silly, as a parent, do your best to explain things to her. But if her fears are valid, for example she saw him murder someone in the ally or he stuck his hand down her pants, then you really need to take that seriously. You need to have open and honest communication with your daughter. At this age, she is definitely old enough to talk things over with.

    This sounds like it could be a great new beginning for all of you. Best of luck, and I think everything is going to work out just fine. Give you daughter time and space though to adjust to this new guy and let her decide on her own what she wants to call him and think of him as.
     
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  3. poornimaln

    poornimaln New IL'ite

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    @ asuitablegirl - that was a wonderful reply!!! You've hit the nail on the head
    If you ask me, I should first congratulate you. It is a very bold decision on your part to marry again. Ask your fiance to try the friend startegy. Some kids aren't comfortable with new relations at a very close level suddenly. But if he manages to convince your kid that they can be friends first, without interfering much on her private space, then maybe she'll accept. Afterwards, he can slowly make her understand how wonderful it will be to have a father who is also a friend. Just my two pennies for your issue. :)
     
  4. samraa

    samraa Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello O.P,

    I second ASG's opinion on this. i think, your daughter needs some more time and space too. anyways, good luck to you ........
     
  5. beerbal

    beerbal Silver IL'ite

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    Explain this to your daughter and tell her that she can call him as she feels comfortable and that the dad status 'has to be earned' and 'not automatically granted' just because you marry him (in htese kind of cases). Acknowlegde that 'daddy' is a special place and I am sure she will support you also so long as you (both) understand and accommodate her feelings.
     
  6. Moumita1

    Moumita1 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, children at this age have very set ideas, and nothing can be forced on them. If she likes your fiance, then I am sure things will work out with all of you, even if it seems impossible right now. give her time and space to decide for herself what she awnts to call your fiance and how she wants to think of him. Give her plenty of love, and she will love you back for being such a great mom.

    I wish you a very happy life ahead.

    :thumbsup
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    It is possible that she has developed a kind of aversion to that word..
    I mean there is no father figure in her life for 12 long yrs. She has not showed any interest to know her biological father.. she might have some unresolved feelings that stops her from calling your would-be 'appa'.
    A heart to heart talk to your DD might throw more light.
    My hearty wishes to you for a happy life with your DD and the new relation together.:cheers
     
  8. pkwebbs

    pkwebbs New IL'ite

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    @asuitablegirl: Thanx for your eye-opening reply and I've just started talking the matter with my baby. In fact she likes my fiancee as "Uncle" but NOT as a father figure in her life. I'm trying to make her open-up with her apprehensions. Once again thanks for your wishes.
     
  9. pkwebbs

    pkwebbs New IL'ite

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    Thankx poornima for your wishes and kind advise.
     
  10. pkwebbs

    pkwebbs New IL'ite

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    @MSTRUE: I accept what you had written, as my baby has seen the negative side of her father and as a matter of fact, i never said bad or good about her father, as that might even turn back to me. And my baby will hide herself behind me whenever he comes for the settlement process.

    Also could you tell whether I can talk to my DD that I want this man in our lives and I want to marry him, straight away?
    What would be her state of mind and behavior in that case? Also when my fiancee spoke to my DD about his intention to become part of our family, she just kept quiet and started working on the laptop and never showed any interest or hatred.

    I'm totally confused over her behavior.

    Kindly advise once again and thanks for your kind reply.
     

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