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" You Must Be A Spoiled ...!" From The Heart Of An Only Child.

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by kkrish, Dec 15, 2019.

  1. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for your feedback @iyerviji Vijima.
    I agree that there are only-children who are spoied just as there are children with siblings who are spoilt.

    My article is to request people not to automatically say, "oh only child, then you must be spoilt" . That and the other negative things people say about the only child, without knowing anything about that person, that is what I am against.
     
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  2. ILoveTulips

    ILoveTulips IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kamala ma, Thank you for heeding to our requests and writing this article, and also remembering to tag me.
    You have nicely pointed out the tags the only children are marked with- spoiled, selfish, anti-social etc - and listed your own experiences. The ways your parents followed in bringing you up are wise advice to parents on what they should do (and what not to do) in parenting an only child. The article contents are reassuring!
    When my little happily hugs another child, be extra nice or asks the child to stay for some more time to play with her, the parents immediately says, "You need one more child", making it look as if my daughter is a sad child and we as a family are inadequate. She hugs and being nice to the other child because she was taught to be kind and friendly. She asked the other child to play some more time, because they both had good laughs playing together. Children with siblings don't look for friends? I wonder, how can someone brand a child to be anti-social when they themselves don't know what's right or wrong to say? One won't say to a less fortunate person 'you need more money' and add on flaunting how much money he has, but yet they think it is ok for them to point out "You need one more child" to parents who have one child, and go on comparing how their kids entertain themselves and how happily they are building childhood memories.
    I don't go by the usual myths. Our daughter values her friends' company than her toys, so she willingly shares. Me and my husband are starting to learn how not to spoil her. We are pracitising to say No. We try not to be too careful in protecting her against every single disappointment. We let her face little disappointments and tell her, these things happen and she must keep doing your work and not be let down.
    I do stress myself in keeping her entertained. It mostly comes from when I start feel sad for her and worry that she might be lonely. When I can strongly say my daughter is not spoilt or selfish or anti-social, I can't say for sure that she is not or will not be lonely.
    My friend, who is also a mom of only child, gave me a very good advise that I keep reminding myself often. She said, that if we worry too much on something, especially about our kid, it would reflect in our actions, then it would imprint in their minds, and they would start behaving as if its true. As a result, what we worry starts happening for real. For e.g., if we keep worrying that our kid is not good in numbers, we would show/talk that she/he is not good in numbers, and that would imprint in their minds and they would start believing numbers are hard and start avoiding the subject. Same way, if we keep worrying that they would be lonely in future, no matter how careful we are not to show that to the kid, it would reflect in our actions, and kids can easily sense that and that would make them believe that they are lonely and start to self-sympathise. So, first, we have to believe that there is nothing to worry about a kid being an only child, and stop being sad for it and concentrate guiding them towards being strong emotionally & think independently, so the kid will not grow missing something they didnt have in the first place [quoting your lines from the other thread].
    Your post is reassuring for me and for many parents who have the same worry as me. Still, I do get anxious when I think about when she grows older and drifts away from us, how easy would be for her to get meaningful friendships in this world of social media networking?
    Thank you again Kamala ma for this post.
    ILT
     
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  3. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Kamala @kkrish,

    You are that mom again that I had met so long ago with one of your solar system posts :) I have never thought on these lines, I mean one child or more line. Growing up I had all sorts of friends and the only thing that mattered was that they were my friends - as I have now too. I understand why you wrote this and no one else could do it better than you. The thing I find fascinating is how adults see something nonexistent in others - and it is so easy to forget that the child may only know what they know. You know what I mean! Nice to read you again my friend - I had nothing but a smile on my face.
     
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  4. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Good morning @ILoveTulips .
    I read your feedback yesterday and it pained me to read such callous comments to a child and the mother. Really what is this society coming to! I needed time to get that bitterness out of my mental system.
    Exactly. Nothing more need be said.
    You are on the right track. Keep at it.
    Give her the tools to occupy herself. Sure spend time with her. However, do not feel obligated to keep her entertained. Then she will never use her brain to think, imagine, invent, etc. She will start relying on you.
    Let the initiative come from her as to what she needs to do to keep herself entertained.
    For example - My parents introduced me to books. How i used that was upon me.
    They would take me to all the carnatic music kutcheris. I hated them at first then suddenly at one point, when I was ten, I decided I wanted to learn the Veena.
    They put me in class and it was my responsibility to use that opportunity to practice and to experiment the different sounds coming from the veena.
    My father became a member of the Madras Astronomical society and I would go to the meetings. At first I understood nothing, but began asking my father small questions so that I understood the next time.
    You need to spark the interest but never feel obligated to give her all your time.
    Golden words
    You are the one who thinks she is lonely. She has her parents. So she is not lonely.
    Also stop worrying about something that is not under your control. How this day will end, no one knows. So worrying is not going to solve it. Que Cera, Cera!
    Your worry will surely be passed on to her.
    You and your daughter can both start a gratitude journal. It will be something both of you can write at the end of the day sitting together and begin to look at the good things that are happening in your lives. Start with, "the sun came up this morning and made the world bright"
    Your daughter will never drift away from you.
    She will come with different points of view from yours as she grows up.
    Encourage her. Again use discretion. If you disagree explain and discuss that point. If you feel she is right, accept it with no ego. You will have friend for life.
    I dont know how to truly put this in writing - give your child the confidence that she can discuss anything in this world with her parents without being judged. Once she trusts you on that, believe me there is no question of loneliness. She will not rely on outsiders because she knows she can share confidently and confidentially with her parents.
    She will grow into a strong, independent young lady who may travel outside home for studies and job, but she will never drift away from you as long as you are teaching her values and practicing them yourselves.
    You are welcome. Be happy, stay positive, and have faith in yourself that you are doing the best you can for your child ... which you are.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2019
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  5. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    I understood dear. Hope I did not hurt you. Earlier there were many children but in the present state many have only one child. Both my daughters have one child that too adopted.
     
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  6. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you @Srama Sabitha.
    I too never had these problems from my friends, classmates,,etc. No one cared if i had a brother or sister, because we were all individuals playing, studying together.
    They are words by adults, my friends' parents, some of my parents' friends, new neighbors, and distant relatives.
    I get your point about seeing things non existent in others.
    So many assumptions, right?
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2019
  7. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    No Vijima, you can never hurt anybody. I certainly was not hurt.
    Just made my point clearer. That's all.
    Your daughters are great ma. I truly admire them. May God bless them.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Sure you wrote from your heart and or heart out! A huge whack to the world that utter - that painful phrase.

    2. Other respondents summed up your feelings here too felt it at their core but for which such statements they wouldn’t have made.

    3. I am happy for your post and join others in nominating for the best of DECEMBER consideration.

    4. Santa born alone but not brat!
    https://www.imdb.com/list/ls025246070/
    Lists over ninety celebrities without siblings.

    5. And you are celebrity in IL

    Thanks and Regards.

    God has created all equal & no brats.
     
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  9. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you Sir @Thyagarajan for you sweet feedback which includes an impressive list of celebrities who are singletons.
    Thank you also for the nomination.
    It is an honor to receive your feedback and nomination.
     
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  10. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you @kkrish for an absolutely wonderful thread - I learnt so much from it and so much food for thought in it for me - as a sibling and as a parent.

    This inability-to-share-by-only-children myth/notion is what I grew up hearing from others (unfounded by my own experience or observation).

    A little while ago, I was pleasantly surprised to hear about the opposite of this on an IL thread and it completely rang true for me.

    From: Is It Really That Good To Have Siblings?

    My closest adult friends are only-children and they share and care for those in their life like its nobody's business. They give utmost respect and invest a lot energy and thoughts to all their relationships - its not something they take for granted or easy.

    Once again - I know this does not lead to generalization - just an observation from my slice of life. :)
     
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