You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole family

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

tell him to do couple of things like change your hair cut , dressing style..etc and tell him your dad may not like that hair style ...etc.

At some point of time during the convo tell him that he is getitng married to your whole family see his reaction.

however he is having too many unrealistic expectations on you which are going to fade quick after the wedding and cause serious issues.

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

Please say NO. You cannot change him. This kind of attitude is fed to him for 25 years. You cannot change. Please say no to this alliance.

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

he is of this school of though while u r not. there is no 'right' or 'wrong' abt it. he is entitled to his opinion just like u r to urs.

if u have a problem with hosting ur in-lawsfor life , then do speak to the guy abt it before u take the plunge. now, u have kind of gotten an idea what u r in for. but u aint sure if its just ur assumption. if u wanna find out, there is only one way. ask him loud and clear. what are his expectations after marriage and if u can handle them. based on that u decide whether or not u r willing to take the plunge , with all that excess baggage, if at all. later dont regret ur decision or dont try to 'change' him.

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

Very well said rkk. Listen to your inner voice,be clear and don't assume things.I made this mistake in my marriage too.The signs were all there for me to see his over attachment to his mom,deep inside I knew I couldn't cope with this life long.Still I was blindly in love with him,assumed lot of things & believed in him.In arranged marriages we have to think with our brains not with our hearts-that's the crude truth.

One simple thing for you to do would be jot down your expectations and his expectations(ask him to be frank and straightforward).Then analyse- how far are you willing to compromise.The same for him.Then you will get a clearer picture.Goodluck.

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

Dear Mohini16,

Accept it or not, unfortunately, that's how it is in Indian marriages. When a boy gets married to a girl, he gets married to a girl. That's it. As long as the girl is happy in marriage, the boy will be crowned the best son-in-law. However, in case of a girl, she is ofcourse getting married to a FAMILY. She is supposed to be a good wife, good DIL, good SIL, good name from relatives, know the culture / sanskar / traditions of the religion and family and follow them properly and has to get the name in the society...'Wah..what a bahu'. There is nothing grossly wrong in this, as long as there is understanding and adjustment in the family..they give you your space and time to adjust.

But, what is more important for you to see in such cases, before accepting the proposal is..when they come to meet you or while talking with him and his family members, try to understand, how the women in that family are respected. If the men in the family respect the women like his mother, sister, other DILs, etc and they seem to be a happy family, then no worries. You can be sure that they will treat you also the same way...ofcourse, there should be some give & takes from your side also. But if you get the feeling that the women in the family are only silent spectators and are not respected by the men, then you have to think.

I feel I have tried to explain it properly, but the thing is about the feel you get when you interact with him and his family members. What I have written here is not my personal opinion...but what my Guru said very recently, for a similar questions. This becomes the responsibility of not only the girl but also the parents to find out how their daughter will be treated, before fixing the alliance.

All the best!

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

Hey Mohini...i would neither say run away nor adjust yourself to this man...but think twice before you agree...

when he asked you to reduce your weight...he may not want his mom to criticize you...

when he said you are married to his whole family...he is being practical...any guy who doesnt say this before marriage also has this in his mind...so he is just speaking loudly...

so i would ask you to go over it once again and ask yourself if this is what you want...any guy is goind to be a momma's boy....in that case every girl too...

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

Enter the dragon:drowning

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

hi op..

he is basically telling you that he is family-oriented guy (meaning that the opinions of his family matter to him) which is good and bad.. (better to discuss things like when to have baby, whether you can work after marriage (if you want to work), whether you can go for further studies )

its marriage of both families meaning that the BIG message he is giving is that he wont leave his parents .. basically you wont have nuclear family...

if you are okay with it, go for it.. i wont get into nuclear family issue but make sure you discuss your future plans (odds are you may want different things but this guy may not give you freedom to do so even if its about your career)

better discuss before you commit for marriage...

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

haha...at this point i would do this just to see his reaction! seriously though, his attitude would be a deal breaker for me.

most of us want our partner to be looked at in a favorable light by our family. nothing wrong with that, but whatever you have written about this guy paints the picture of a man who cannot balance the relationships in his life and expects ONLY you to do it.

 

Re: You are not getting married to me only , you are getting married to my whole fami

He may say "Of course, of course, why not." People can say things they don't mean to stick to their views. Even if he actually means it, he isn't living with them 24*7 so its ok for him. Whatever the case, you aren't marrying his whole khandaan.

After you are married, if u go to him even with the smallest of problems he may say- i told u already, you're married to my khandaan too. Are you ready for that?