worried 'cause son worries!

Gayathri67 · Aug 1, 2014

My son is in the 3rd grade. He is naturally a shy kid,but nowadays he has become more friendly and communicative with friends and relations.
But at school he is a compulsive worrier. He is very obedient to his teachers and obeys them 'to a T'.

But he is always worried that things might go wrong. Some examples-(1) He did not bring his copywriting books home one evening. He had no homework in them, but still was worried ''Why did'nt I bring them? What if they are not in class?' He called his frioends and asked them if they had their books. When they said yes. 'He went about with a long face the whole evening and the next morning-' What if they are lost.Ohh! Why did'nt I bring them?What if mam asks for the books?'

(2) Yesterday he brought his Hindi class work home. By accident he had left a page in the middle and continued writing in the next. That got him worried. 'What if mam scolds. Shall I rub the whole thing and write from the page i Missed?'
(3) His new shorts were small and needed to be exchanged. I sent them with him to school yesterday because the tailor was coming. He took them to the room where the uniform men were. He gave them the old ones and got 2 new pairs in exchange. Then the men asked my son 'where are the old ones?'

My son should have clearly told him., 'Sir I gave them to you just now.'That would have settled matters. But he got scared,probably, and said, 'I don;t know.'

'Are they at home? Didn't you bring them?'

'They are not at home?>'
This boy was even terrified to say, ';I gave them to you, 'even though he knew he had.

Now he is worried. 'What if that maama does not find the old ones I returned. Will he come and ask me?'

It is driving me crazy. What is wrong? Is he too frightened even to say boo to an ant?

He is terrified of swimming class. He keeps moaning about it everyday day though the class is only once a week.

When I tell him to take his kit he says,'I am frightened. What if Sir asks me to float?'
'So,Ok,don;t take it.'
'Then what if sir asks me why I did'nt bring it?'
'Then take it.'
'But I am frightened.'
This goes on and on till I get a little more grey hairs on my balding pate.

Ironically, the teachers are good to him. Nobody scolds him because he is very obedient and a good student. How can I make him self confident?
It is no use making him mingle with friends of his age. There is nobody here. So,please dont give me that solution. I am tired of hearing people say, 'He needs friends to play with.'
Whatever has to be done should be done by me. I am his mentor and guide.
So now he complains of a head and stomach ache.
And he walks like a peacock when there are relatives in the house or when we got to school. He gets embarrassed and his walk changes. I find that funny!

Rakhii · Aug 1, 2014

Gayathri, hugs to you. It must have really broken your heart to see you kid so timid. Some of the things that come to my mind after reading your post are below (you are probably doing these already):

Teach him to be assertive by setting an example: You are right, he needs parental/adult guidance and the same age-friends circle is no longer working out for him. On a daily basis, emphasize how you are saying no to things that you don’t like. When you go out for shopping, if the shop keeper is pressuring you to buy something, you can say “no, I don’t like it”. And when you are alone, remind him what momma said to the shopkeeper. Explain to him that it’s OK to say no to things that he doesn’t like.

You can role play: What you can do is get some games organized for him. He can be the teacher you can be the student. He can ask you what his teacher usually asks him and you can set an example of how to politely answer the teacher without causing any confusion. Have a role play every day. Slowly he will understand the concept that its fine to say no or yes.

Respect him: If and when he says No, respect his word and leave it at that. You need to slowly start showing him that he is an independent person and he is allowed to be afraid of what he is afraid of. He is afraid of water. Its pretty evident. Why is he being sent there when he is afraid? Perhaps you can enroll him in something else which interests him? Give him a choice. By taking the choice away, you are enforcing his belief that he is expected to do everything everyone says whether he likes it or not. See if you can turn the conversation around like this:

This was your conversation in blue below; I see it was a little close ended:

When I tell him to take his kit he says,'I am frightened. What if Sir asks me to float?'
'So,Ok,don;t take it.'
'Then what if sir asks me why I did'nt bring it?'
'Then take it.'
'But I am frightened.'

Make the conversations open-ended, maybe it will help you understand his fears better. Something like this:
Him: 'I am frightened. What if Sir asks me to float?'
Your response: Are you afraid of water? or are you afraid of the teacher or are you afraid of the floating concept?
Him: Yes. Water.
You: How about we go to the beach one of these days? I will hold your hand…you will see that water is fun. We can have a picnic there. You can go back to swimming lessons when you are comfortable with water.

If he says he is afraid of the teacher:
You: Are you afraid of the teacher?
Him: Yes.
You: Why? Is he hurting you or has he hurt you in the past? (If his answer was yes, you know what to do; approach the management).
Him: No, he didn’t hurt me.
You: Then maybe you should give him a chance and see if he is a nice guy after all? Just go with an open mind and see if you start liking him. (you can give any example of food items which he didnt like before but when he started eating it, how he liked it maybe?)

If he says he is afraid of the floating:
You: Are you afraid of floating?
Him: Yes
You: That’s precisely why the kit is there for. It will protect you from sinking. How about we both try it out together?

I hope this helps.

pumpkin01 · Aug 1, 2014

Very nice Rakhii, I liked all your suggestions.

joel123 · Aug 1, 2014

Is there someone at home who is very strict? I mean who sets rules and he is to follow...he would be thinking that he is supposed to act as per others instructions and is worried that somewhere it might go wrong...I was the most obedient child in my class....was scared of anything and anyone...i was the most easiest child to handle ....I used to not talk with anyone...I used to feel that if I do something, would it be the wrong way....it took a lot of time for me to come out of the shell ...and after sometime it became habitual...
my father was very strict...and was a perfectionist ...and expected us also to follow the same...but now when I turn back, I don't feel that rules are bad...because we try to do everything perfectly...but it all depends on how you handle it with kids...
just make him aware that being a little disobedient is ok take it in a good spirit...
and acknowledge and appreciate him when he does things independently
Other than that I don't think there is anything abnormal in your child's behavior ....he is one of the most obedient kids around

Gayathri67 · Aug 2, 2014

Hi,
appreciate all your letters. No-we are not strict with him. Not too lenient at the same time. If something he wants is feasible he gets it,if not, I tell him 'No'.

The problem with matters like swimming is, how many times ever I tell him about all the good things in swimming,we end up going around in circles. He loves water i have taken him often to the marina in chennai and we have stood holding hands in the water,we went to a fast flowing river near a village and he sat on the water with his shorts, anything but the swimming pool!
Similarly he asks to go to coaching classes. 'Amma, I want to go to Abacus' So we enrolled him there.
Now he says 'Ayyo sunday is coming I don;t want to go.'
I have often told him that being a little disobedient is ok, like talking loud in class. But 'that is bad,maam will scold.'
If a friend takes your rubber and throws it away,do the same to him,he will stop.'
'How can I do that,then what is the difference between us. You only said we should be good,should not tell lies,steal or copy?'
Last week they had a mehendi session in class, and the teacher asked him if he wanted flowers on his hand. He said yes. Then she asked 'or do you want a bat and ball' 'Yes'
So the teacher laughed and said. 'Vicky,don;t keep saying yes,yes for everything.'
Otherwise he is the friendly neighborhood kid,relatives love him for his witty sense of humour, his friends love him and his teachers too. And I love to kiss and cuddle him when he wakes up all warm and soft in the morning. I guess as my mother says, 'I am expecting too much from from the best kid(as any maternal grandmom would say)!

anmolhai · Aug 2, 2014

Big hugs to you . Rakhi has wonderful suggestions so I won't type the same things. Since he is only in Gr3 he is still quite young and you have lots of time to work with him. When ever you give him choice stick to 2 max 3 ad what ever he choses appreciate it verbally. Work on building his confidence and when he makes small mistakes say its ok it happens......we are all human. Emphasis that every one make mistakes and its ok.

all the best.

Shanvy · Aug 3, 2014

gayathri,

I have this wee bit niggle, that your son is trying to do things so as to please everybody. he worries too much about the opinions and appreciation of people around. there is a pattern there.

raise his self esteem. tell him that everybody makes mistakes. amma too made mistakes. some day purposefully do a few mistakes and tell him it is ok and owning up to mistake needs more courage than being afraid of the consequences. the lesson to learn is to correct those mistakes and try not to do them again.

let your child understand it is ok to make mistakes. the dread of the consequences is what sets the fear of making mistakes. the feeling of letting down the parents/teachers about whom he has high regards. so give him the space to understand it is ok if you are not able to do a few things. that you will learn to do them with a little more effort than the rest.

looks like he is so sensitive already and does not want to be embarassed because of mistakes. he must have caught this somewhere..at home. the -ve of too much praise when the child does everything right creates a yardstick for self. falling from that is not acceptable to the child. i experienced this with my dd, who detests failure. it took a lot of unlearning and learning to accept failure.

i also think, it is the new term, and he wants to look the best in the class in his teacher's eyes..

regarding classes..this is what i did with my kids. i asked them if they wanted to join those classes. when they said, i gave them option to try them out for a month. if they are having fun and are also learning and like it they can continue. there is no point in overloading or taxing our kids just because they say they want to join a class because they feel it is cool at a point for some reason. a friend is in the class, the teacher says the class will be good or any reason..

he is still in 3rd. give him choices. talk to him. there will be late bloomers. give him time. work along with his teacher, to make him be more open, talk, express. i figure he studies in a school that allows for good interaction with the teacher. don't hesitate take the help of his teacher, his gp's.

.

Gayathri67 · Aug 4, 2014

Thanks all of you. I will workout on the suggestions.

Ragini25 · Aug 6, 2014

Pls understand every kid has their own personality. Allow them to be themselves rather than engineer them to our specifications. Timid or shy may be part of them, let it be. Too much tinkering can be counterproductive. Ofcourse u can do some of the positive suggestions given here.