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Worried and depressed. Dont see any hope. Please help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by swapna135, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. swapna135

    swapna135 Senior IL'ite

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    1. If there is an issue between husband and wife, how long does it take to resolve. if its a major issue like as of mine(refer my prior posts), by when and how should it have been resolved. Do i have to involve any elders like his family members or mine for resolving an issue.
    2. Is giving a blank period of 8 months, moving out from my husband and living with my parents(along with my kids) without taking any action is right on my part
    3. Leaving the home given by my mother(land is in mother’s name and construction is by husband’s money) for my husband and his family to enjoy like a holiday home is right on my part
    4. Taking this time as an advantage my husband’s family is misguiding him against me and my kids. So that they can use him to the fullest for their advantage. He’s totally lost any interest on us. What could be done to set his mind right.
    5. Does counseling help him restructuring our marriage life by bringing the needed changes in his personality, behavior, mind set and attitude (egoistic attitude). If yes whom should I seek help from in Bangalore. (pls suggest any marriage counsellors or psychology specialists or any hospitals for the same)
    6. Divorce is not the option i am looking forward for. So any other methods or techniques could help me in this please.
    7. I do understand the i should not forego my self respect just to stay married with this animal. But still a small hope is still re kindling me to see for alternatives as my both kids love him a lot. Last week both had fallen fever for 3-4days and started crying and asking mama where is papa, come we will go to our house papa is there. I could not just see them doing so. Any methods, any pooja’s or any threating things to get him on track. To make him realise his mistakes
    8. they have even convinced him that they will get him remarried. just imagine 8 months neither he has come forward to resolve it nor his so called elders ie., fly members.
    i am facing sleepless nights, crying, worrying and what more

    This is my story(for all those who already know it please suggest me in doing what is right for me and my kids.
    {{{after the incident of husband coming to my work place and accusing my superior(manager) directly of having an affair with me, which i have discussed in the earlier post. its been six months now. the incident took place in december. but my husband still has not retaliated on the issue. he still stays happily in the house which is given by my mom. my kids and me are in my parents house. though he sees me on the way he is least bothered to talk or he infact tries to escape from tat place. last week when i had been to the house in his presence, he behaved as if i have done some crime and was least bothered to say anything or talk to me.

    six months and he is not even come forward to resolve any issues. though a notice from a lawyer was sent for divorce from me. he denyed it saying he doesnot want divorce but has not taken any further action to resolve the issue. to everyone in his family he says that nobody should go to discuss this as she is gone like a dog and one day or the other she will come back like a dog.

    last week all his family members tat is his mother, brother, brother's wife and kids, his sister and siter's husband all have come and staying in my house in my absence and enjoying. all though all my dresses sarees, jewels everything is still there.
    his brother and brother's wife had come to my parents house and said that forget every thing watever has happend and come back. but they are trying to put all the blame on me saying its not his mistake, he got a prank call so he behaved tat ways and all mistake is yours, why should you leave home and come.

    though my husband is physically and mentally abusive and i have all the proofs to prove his behaviour they are completly pushing all the blame on me saying being a woman i have to adjust to everything. i have to bear and stay calm in all circumstances. my mother in law is also abusing me saying her son is a gem and all mistake is from me.

    to everyone i am tring to explain tat he accuses me of having illicit relationship with my boss, stare at guys, comment vulgarly on my dressing watever but every one says wats the need for u to do the job, listen to him and be at home cooking, cleaning looking after ur husband and kids. his elders are least bothered to listen and sort out the matter.

    since i have 2 male kids 9yrs and 4yrs old , dont want to proceed for divorce thinking the after effects of the divorce but still unable to decide what to do as well. how to sort out this situation. why should i stay in my parents house leaving my house for someone else to enjoy (however land is given by my mom and he has constructed but then again financial support was given by me as well which he ignores it completely and takes all the pride to himself for constructing)

    how do i change his behaviou, he has extreme ego. he treats me very cheap with no respect at all. he puts me down before his family members speaking nonsense saying vulgar words, though ur double graduate ur fit for nothing, his brother's wife is just 7th stadard lady he appreciates her saying u dont have the value of her feet also. i am 29yrs old and he says before all his fly people all ur parts have become loose and they are hanging. when his mother says something he never supports me he stays quiet or laughs with her.

    once his mother told me go to ur parents house and sleep today no place here as my son, daughter and son in law are coming, she told tis at night 12.30 and listening to it my husband just kept silent but did not turned back and said a single word to his mom. everyday has been so difficult for me thinking what decision to take on this **** people and every day i am crying and getting depressed. i donot know how to handle my life. please guide me. what should i do. pls pls pls advise me. apart from divorce what other options are available.

    i lost my job due to his nonsense behaviour in my previous organisation. By god's grace just recently i have got one new job on contract basis(by the ways i am MBA-hr) and i am literally confused and have become very weak mentally and emotionally in the event of failing to decide over anything about my life. as my kids are involved i am not able to take any firm decision properly. kindly advise me on the same.}}}

    lots of thanks,


  2. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    Swapna u go for counselling first. You are so depressed that you cannot see right from wrong in this state of mind. U r extremely afraid of divorce and this is the main cause of your misery. Tell me how can divorce be worse then being beaten up so badly by your husband that u have to go to hospital, being said all those horrible things to you in front of others, not being given any damn respect either by him or his parents? He may one day take your life as thats what it appears like reading your earlier threads.

    You have a job thats a good thing.you are doing amazing holding on to your job in such depressing condition.this clearly shows your strength. Believe me many women would have fallen apart in your condition.so please have faith in yourself. You can by yourself turn your life around. You cant see this right now as you are so damn scared and depressed.

    you really have the potential to come out happy from this marriage by recognising your strengths.Who knows in future you will also find a person who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

    it is also in the best interest of ur children that their mother does not go back to that monster of a husband.

    But if you still want to go back then fake that you still want divorce. He does not want it but thinks you will come back like a dog and so not bending down at all from his side. When he thinks you are serious about getting a divorce he may give in a bit to stop you from going ahead. so use this divorce threat as your bargaining chip to make him go for counselling.
    Also get his elders who came to your house to tell you to come back that i will think of coming back if he goes for counselling and as he will not listen to me you make him go for it.get elders help.sorry if i am very blunt but i feel it is only for your own good. All the very best i will pray for you.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2014
  3. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    He said that " you have gone like a dog and will come back like a dog" and you exactly want to do the same thing.

    Why send a threatening notice if you don't want one?

    Why do you not want divorce?

    How low can you stoop and why do you want to stoop?

    Either proceed with divorce or pull the plug on divorce. Think how long you want to continue to stay in your parental house. But before making a decision see where you want to be in your life 5 years down the line. What is important to you in your life? Who are important to you in your life?

    Is there love between you?

    He will not treat you with respect. You have to accept this if you end up staying with him.
    1 person likes this.
  4. MrsBV

    MrsBV Gold IL'ite

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    OP why do you want to be with a man who treats you like s***? do you want your boys to grow up around a man who doesnt respect women so that they too learn the same? is divorce really that bad? he is loving the fact that he has you under control. he can question your character, treat you like a dog and still you will continue to want him back. why? because you are scared of divorce. in this forum itself you will find numerous women who have divorced and found happiness the second time. Trust me, dont continue to be a victim unless it is something you prefer. do good to yourself and your kids. dont expect people to advice you otherwise.

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