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worried about my mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sonika1976, Dec 18, 2013.

  1. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    The "only daughter" thread compelled me to write about my own worries. I am wishing I could get some insight to this.

    I lost my dad in 2006 and yes I am an only daughter settled abroad with my family. My husband and his brother are 2 sons and my inlaws though quite old live in Calcutta and are managing themselves.

    This year I went to India and noticed how annoyed and difficult to manage my mother has become. We moved to Dallas and had to sell our house and I had to leave my job. I was constantly subjected to insults like, you guys are homeless now, your husband is a transgender, you are jobless and depressed. Then came the heart crushing part. She started mentioning, how I haven't been there for her when she needs. How the neighbors show off when she asks them help. How she manages living alone. She does work and teach kids to pass her time. I discussed this with neighbors and they did mention that she means well but has become a little hard to handle. It could be that she is depressed living alone.

    I came back here and checked for possible options. 1. having her move in with us...but if she does what she did in Mumbai. My husband will be annoyed. There would be constant fights in our house.

    2. Looking for a nice retirement community. Where she can pay and stay and be worry free.

    3. Me leaving my husband and move there permanently with my 7 yr old. Downside to this is my son would have to leave his father for no fault of his.

    4. My husband is open to the idea of sponsoring her and she having a small house close to us but health insurance in the US will make her and us broke.

    5. Asked her to move closer to her sister. She wondered if her sister passes before then she will be left alone again.

    Issue is I don't want her staying alone there anymore. It is clear she is craving that added security and with me being an only child and looking for a job right now, my options are few.

    What would you do in my situation??
     
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  2. prettydevil

    prettydevil Platinum IL'ite

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    From your options it is clear that you wish to bear her responsibility only by throwing money in air and practically giving everything to her, except for her own daughter, which she needs the most at this age.

    So what if, you all live under the same roof and your DH is annoyed? Do you think that handling that annoy is more important than filling your own mother's emptiness. :coffee
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. lucky2

    lucky2 Platinum IL'ite

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    how would you even think of option 3? Do you really mean it?
    It is solely your responsibility to look after your mother being only child. She must be vexed of living all alone these years and it is only depression that is making her talk that way. I think it would be better if she moves in with you. she would feel better with you and your kid. try convincing your husband about her moving in.
     
  4. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    If I were you, I will definitely give a try to Option 1( i.e Bringing Mom to my Home). If it doesn't work and poses risk of constant fights then I will go for Option 2 (where I will be paying for Mom's stay instead of her to pay)
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2013
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  5. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    The only feasible option is to find good retirement community and move her there. Please pay for her stay. That is the least you can do for her.
     
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  6. springsnb

    springsnb Gold IL'ite

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    come on OP, she is your mom.. she brought u onto this world and rise you..u u r the only one responsible. why your husband will annoy by bringing her? i didn't get it.
    suppose consider if your husband is the only son to his parents waht he will do?
    just talk to him..its not that much complicate as you think
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Old age makes people irritable and less patient, but if there has been a marked change in her behavior, she needs to be checked by a doctor.

    This is separate from the bigger issue of taking care of her.
     
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  8. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    I did suggest we go to a dr. That created an escalation so huge that neighbors had to get involved. It was so bad that I had to call my aunt to cool things down.
     
  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihana the Clever is onto something. Unless she (your mother, not Rihana) has always been this way (manipulative, insulting, bitter, out-of-control when "cornered"), there is a very real possibility that she is in the early stages of dementia or some other neurological condition. Her emotional and psychological state does not seem normal to me, nor does it hint at "mere" depression.

    If this is true, then you need professional help (as does your mother) to deal with this problem. It is not a simple matter of "where should we put her?". Her condition will only worsen, and unless you have a treatment plan in place, whoever looks after her will have a tremendous burden and an extreme amount of stress.

    Here is a link

    Memory Loss & 10 Early Signs of Alzheimer?s | Alzheimer's Association

    that may help you to identify a possible cause of your mother's problem. If nothing else works, you may have to have her forcibly examined. Her welfare is at stake here, so don't let tantrums stand in your way. Figure out a way to get her the help she needs. That is your duty as a loving daughter, even if your mother claims not to want or need it.

    This is hard, and you have my sympathy. But it is true for most of us that at some point, we become the caregivers of our own parents as they decline toward a child-like state. Be strong.
     
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  10. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Sonika,

    1 & 2 are the only feasible options in my opinion. You should not even consider 3 at this moment. You could give 1 a try, else 2 would be the only way out. However, if your mother *is* in general a difficult person to get along with (and sometimes people do become more rigid in their views as they age), take your husband's discomfort into consideration as well.
     
    1 person likes this.

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