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Worried About Mother.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SmilingGirl02, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. SmilingGirl02

    SmilingGirl02 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I am here because I am worried about my parents.

    My parents were staying in my native place until last year. They have big friends group there who does lot of activities. So they used to keep them busy and happy.
    I have 1 younger brother. He blessed with baby boy last year. As my bhabhi is working in IT, my parents moved to my brother's home to take care to little one.
    In the morning my bhabi prepare her tiffin and leave for office. There are maid for dishes , cleaning . But my Mom has to take care of many chores along with little one.
    She asked multiple times my bhabhi to take care of few things, but simple ignore.
    But never helps. Mom has to take care dinner too as Bhahi comes late from office.
    Little one hardly sleeps in the day time.His sleep is very conscious, will get up with tiny noise.
    My mom has knee pain too , which us getting worst from last 4 months.

    My mother is really matured and balance person, doesn't want to make big drama out of it.
    She doesn't want to loose home's peace.
    My brother always support his wife. Mommy tried to talk with my brother about help on chores, but he think his wife do lot of house work.
    Many times my brother and bhabhi goes out weekend for hours too, leaving baby to my parents.
    One time my mommy called them after few hours ask them to come back as baby was sick and was coutinously crying.
    My bhabhi got mad about it after coming home. This is really not expected?
    Even after delivery Bhabi was sleeping and resting for 6 months. She didn't start single chore untill baby turn 6 months.She used say " my mom told me to take rest 6 months after delivery"..my mom used to provide everything in her hands for 6 months.

    I saw all this in my recent stay.
    I am feeling bad and worried. I think my bhabhi doesn't deserve this as she has no value what she is getting. I m worried about mom.
    But mom is not letting me talk to my brother about this. My dad helps mom in taking care baby when she is cooking, or doing Pooja.
    Ladies please suggest.
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2018
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand ur pain for your mom .she is having too much responsibility at her age .They have maid ,suggest them to get a cook . IT jobs are extremely taxing /stressful . Don't expect bhabhi to cook dinner after coming home from hectic work .And why Ur mom ask bhabhi only to do housework , why not ask her son for help too. Earlier times the men would return tired from office/farm/work etc so they were not expected to do cooking etc Now also they get the privilege to rest after work, but no one has sympathy when a working lady returns from work. Whats the issue in keeping a cook?

    About baby care , I have mixed opinion and depends on family context . Baby's responsibilities are his parents not his grandparents .pls suggest ur bro to get a baby sitter/day care so Ur parents can go back to native and live their life . It's their time to enjoy life now , they have done their work of raising their own kids.
    But Ur bro is only son. Do ur parents expect him to take care of them in future ? Old parents become just like babies. U have to do everything for them including the most basic functions , and u can't even go out anywhere because you need to be home and keep watch 24 7 . So it is not too wrong for ur mom to help them with baby now , it will make them grateful to and take care of her same way . Baby will grow up very soon so Ur mom can adjust till then.
    Let them sort their issues, u don't involve .if u both bro and sis sharing parents' responsibility equally(financial and physical) then u can speak up .otherwise suggest to ur mom and let her talk , u don't speak .


    Asking them to come back because baby is crying is not good. Try to understand Ur bro and his wife situation too , they both have hectic job on weekdays . But neither it is Ur mom responsibility she is old . Ask them to get cook and babysitter instead of putting responsibility on mom. Ask Ur mom to take break and visit native or visit u .
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2018
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Simple solution is to get a full time maid cum nanny to help with full household chores and baby...so that elders can keep an eye on the baby and look after also get required rest..
    Additionally cook can be arranged to come once or twice a day for food preparation..
    Your brother can also take up a few tasks as its his responsibility too..Bhabhi can e told in gentle way to help with chores else anyways maid n Cook will do all work n no one will be troubled..
    If ur unable to arrange cook, arrange vegetable cutting , atta kneading and other kitchen related task to be done by maid..if prep is done then cooking becomes easy..maid can also make rotis .
    Better not to interfere in this issue.
     
    sindmani, SinghManisha and shravs3 like this.
  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Best advice ! This is so true ..
     
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    This is unfortunately a sorry state of affairs in many households I have seen .
    So what would they have done had they no parents living at home? Eat out everyday ? What about the baby?
    She has asked for help . Son is obviously being deliberately obtuse about it. How hard is it for an adult couple to realize that there are so many chores that need to get done on a daily /weekly basis apart from child care?
    Lets not make this a woman's lib issue. Its not . Mom needs help. The lady of the house is pretending to be clueless .Son in-spite of being asked for help is willfully ignoring. Parents cannot decide since obviously they cannot pay . The son and his wife need to do it. They can at best only give hints.
    Do not fall into this trap. Taking care of grandkids is no guarantee ur parents will be taken care of later in life. If their current behaviour is any indication ur parents are better of making alternate arrangements.
    Since when is speaking for ur parents when they are in a delicate situation off limits for a daughter?
    Really ? I have been asked to come back many times from work by the day care provider/nanny because the baby was inconsolable/sick. Their baby . Their responsibility. Ur brother and his wife need to grow up.

    @SmilingGirl02 . There is only one solution . Ur parents need to give an adequate warning and leave. Knee pain is a good excuse .Tell them they are unable to manage. Give a 4 week notice and just head back to their hometown. Some lessons need to be taught the hard way.
     
    hridhaya, Amica, sindmani and 5 others like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Nothing to do with your actual issue, but I couldn't help notice. "He" was blessed with baby boy. Not "they". Parents moved in to "brother's" home, not "their" home. "Bhabhi" is working, not "they are both working."

    A description of bhabhi's morning pre-office work and of her late return. Nothing about what brother does before or after work.

    Did mom say the chores are getting too much and she needs help (from him, DIL, maid servants) or was the talk about only bhabhi helping with chores?

    This is wrong. A working couple with a young baby cannot afford to go out for hours in the weekend. At this stage of life, they have to give up on me time, our time and weekend goes in taking care of house and spending time with baby. If they can manage/afford to hire someone for baby or are super organized and create time for outings, fine.

    The old parents are the ones who need a break after looking after the baby the entire week.

    No mention of what the dad does.

    What is your brother's routine in morning and after returning from work? A working couple with that young a child is usually short on sleep and time to relax. Is he working harder to manage home and work, or is your mother providing everything to him "in hands" also?

    Again, "bhabhi" does not deserve as she has no value. Why not say "my brother and bhabhi do not deserve this and have no value..."

    Throughout your post, your bhabhi's attitude has been rightfully commented upon, but the absence of similar comment on brother's attitude says something. One line that he supports his wife and that he thinks she does lot of housework.

    My guess is that bhabhi might be doing what chores she feels like and what she has energy left for after a long day of work. If you can share what your brother does at home related to baby and household tasks, we will get a more balanced picture.

    Ideally, before parents move in, there should be some level of clarity on what will be their responsibilities. Ideally, the two young people will not be so stupid and realize what a lovely arrangement they are getting so easily.

    What to do now? Don't talk to your brother unless mom lets you. If you talk without her OK, it will lead to more stress for her. Parents giving notice and moving out would be a good lesson, but, that is not likely to happen. A middle path could be that your mom and dad go to native place for a week or 10 days to rest or to see their favorite doctor for her knee pain. Let the couple handle baby for 10 days by themselves.

    On a general note, your bhabhi will not disrespect your parents and treat them so badly like she is doing without your brother's implicit OK. If he can't see what his parents are going through.... Not to excuse her behavior in any way, but primary responsibility for how your parents are treated falls on him.
     
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Who said about eating out ? I've clearly mentioned again and again to get cook and babysitter .There's nothing weird or unrealistic about having cook , many double income couples do it .

    Really? If the mother has asked the son to help in cooking, then how come son is replying about wife doing household chores?? Everybody knows that in most situations, it's the working DIL who is expected/asked to cook not the son. Even the OP is complaining that the Bhabi is not cooking/doing household works, not about her brother.

    Yes, ofcourse, it is a women's issue as these kind of complaints don't come up wrt the brother. It seems she is already doing some chores anyway; and they already have a maid, getting a cook will solve a lot of issues.I have suggested to get babysitter/cook also to relieve the mom. Please read entire reply.


    Yes, daughters have right to speak up and defend their parents. But they also have duty to share parents' responsibility equally with brother. Without taking equal responsibility , just preaching and interfering is not correct and not wise. Tomorrow usually the same daughters force brother to live with parents to take care of them, but never do the same for parents. I don't know OP's situation so I have asked her to do as per her context.

    I have already mentioned that it is parents responsibility to take care of their baby, not grandparents, I have also asked that parents go back to native, or else take break, and ask them to hire babysitter/daycare. I have repeatedly mentioned getting cook and babysitter, then what is the problem?
    We must not ignore realities like sometimes there is unfair responsibility only on sons for a long time , and if parents help a bit more then it makes everyone happy. I have answered in OP's best interest, as she will suffer for interfering. If she can guarantee to take her parents to live with her permanently in old age, then fine, otherwise these things have to be handled delicately . You are just picking some lines selectively to criticize.
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2018
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  8. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with all the points. Yes they need to take a break. If they are willing to come back, they need to be clear on sharing responsibilities.
     
    SmilingGirl02 likes this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    OP can confirm but my gut feeling is that mom asked son about his wife doing more to help with chores. Mom did not ask son for help.

    Based on my overall read of the post, it seems like it is a conventional household where household chores and care of child are considered the woman's responsibility. For example: "My dad helps mom in taking care baby when she is cooking, or doing Pooja." Cooking and baby are primarily the older lady's responsibility. And the division continues into the next generation.
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2018
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  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    ask your mom to find some excuse at home town and go there for some days. Let them manage for few days or get girls family to help out . take a break. when it is time to come back ask them to look for cooking and full time maid so your mother's stress is down.

    weekends and evenings ask your parents to go out for sometime and let them handle the baby.

    If that does not work out , ask them to stop cooking and just take care of baby .....let the son know that it is not possible to do all chores , get help.

    unless your mom stops working nothing will change.
     
    NeetaR and SmilingGirl02 like this.

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