"Workoholic Husband "

Hi Tina,

I have been there. Men are wired different, they cannot bear 'nagging' which is not nagging for us. We women talk over and over about teh same topic until we get attention from hubby on it. And for men, this is nagging.


Here is my real experience, hope this helps.

My hubby used to be always at work, even when home, he was with his laptop, and I was a very tired new mom with a fulltime job. When I used to tell him that I need him more around, he just tried to avoid me as everytime we saw each other, I used to say this. He really used to be pissed and tried avoiding me even more.

Later, I calmly told him one day that I understand he has so much pressure at work and love the fact that he is so committed to his job. Brought to his attention that me and especially my baby would like him to more around. And suggested that he can catch up on work once teh baby is asleep at nights. He told me that he thought I was handling household very well even with the baby around and did not think he was needed around much.

He really liked the way I put it and has been spending more time till date. Well I have to remind him sometimes but now my daugter tells him 'Papa I would want you to spend more time with me' This makes him feel very very gulity and he just drops everything to spend time with her.

If your hubby is really busy with his work, understand that as you said you do not work, he is the bread winner and is doing justice to it by putting so much of hard work.. It surely does not mean he can ignore his family. Appreciate his hard work and calm down as much as you can. Talk to him when he is not tired and in good mood, In a very nice and concerned tone. Also, do some activities with your baby like going for walks, library etc and tell your hubby you did so and so and the baby really lked it. he would definitely want to do something that the baby would like too.

Hope the long reply helps

 

Hi Tina

Dear mine... mine is a love marriage.. and u wont believe we have not gone for our Honeymoon.. reason being he was/is/wil be too busy in job.

With in a month after our marriage he used to be out from 6a.m to night 2 am.. that went for almost 3 months as his office was very far and he wanted to catch up with his work .. just imagine.. almost 2O hours.. he is working.. there was no Saturday or Sunday for us.. that time i was working in Univerisity as lecturer so i had to manage house, my work , guesting everything alone..

after 6 months there was a little relief but since his office timings were from 2 pm to 11 pm and mine from 9 am to 5 pm.. we will see each other for just half an hour daily..
His Saturdays were official off but he wil be working on saturday so that he can manage some sleep on sunday.. so many times he came back from work around 1 in night had his dinner and back on lappy..

so the solution which i had figure out
1. i will keep myself and at any cost i wil not do his share of duties.. like buying monthly groceries
2. I said i understand your position and your job responsibility . I will cooperate with you through out the week.. 6 days work and 1 day wil be mine..
this worked a little

Now coming to your problem.. the trick lies with the involvment.. we have to involve him in our activities for eg.. give your baby into his lap and leave them alone.. let him get some feel of his baby.. make sure at dinner time no lappy at all.. when he at home plan some small activities like giving bath to your baby or going out to temple..

After dinner have a kids pram take your child and go out for a little walk.. it will give u some exclusive time and even it wil be good for health..

sometime when my DH spend very long hours i will go near to him and wil play with his hairs..and slowly i will give head massage.. this relaxes him and he dozz off..

Cheers
Medha

 

Just a quick reply now..

Have you thought about working? Does he stop you from trying for a job? If you manage to get a decent job, you can drop the kid at day care and go to work.. be it part time or full time or even work from home option. You need to earn something for yourself.

Your expectations from him seem reasonable. I am sure you would have tried to change your husband but may be changing him alone is not enough. You have to become independent. Even though it is recession's post effect continuing, you may still manage to get a job. Give it a try.

What do you think?

 

Dear Tina,

After reading this I realise all marriages need sooo much work to keep them work- some men are easy to live with -some aren't. I think financial independance is very very important. Be strong and look out actively for what you can do to support yourself and your baby. We all have a bit of self respect and we should always have it intact.
Take care.