Working mothers - Do you feel guilty for not giving quality time to kids?

Gauri,
first of all applause for your article, very nicely penned down

I was also in the same boat, I was working since i was out from college, had a good carrier and when i came to USA i got a job without any hassle and soon after joining i got pregnant.

I always thought career comes first because i had the responsibility to take care of my parents being the only daughter.My mom was working all her life till she retired, but she was a school teacher so i never missed her.

After my baby was born i had only 6 weeks of maternity leave and i returning to work was so difficult and i felt so guilty. I worked until he turned 5 months (part time only these days) i would wait for the clock to tick 1 so that i could run home, my mom would be looking after my baby .
I even went to a couple of daycare to interview, there i saw few innocent faces crawling and some even smiling lying in the crib but no one was there to admire the beautiful smile, i decided to quit my Job then.

I dont know my decision was right or wrong but i feel contented now.

Emerald if you keep thinking about the break you will always.
There will be pleasure and pressure in both the ways, decide what you need

 

This was more of a forced responsibility and not what a child deserves when you are barely 12 yrs old. I totally did not like it coz when all my friends were playing, I used to sit at home watching him. Also, for all play dates, he used to tag along like my tail. Ive been with him longer than my mother and Im sure I know him better. I guess resposibility is something that comes naturally. My DH had a SAHM mom and he is definitely as responsible as I am while my brother still comes out less responsible...so go figure

 

Hey OP,

I am workimg mom of 4 year old and another one is one the way. Honestly, I never feel guilt as I ensure to spend a good quality time with her however some day I miss her a lot in office (my office is full of her picture). Job is my financial need and DD is my life ( I must admit I do not compromise in my personal life, specially where DD come in picture, for career growth).
To spend maximum time with her (and as she like), I am the first person who pick-her up from bed and make ready to her for school (I just cook lunch and school snack for her, me and DH do lunch in office). Most of the time, we both go and drop her to school and pick her from aftercare (she loves this that her mammy daddy both drop and pick her) ., some time there is exception like if I have to leave early or DH has to leave early or If I am late or DH is late. After office hours, I'll prepare dinner and DH will play with her. Once dinner is done, then it's again play time or will see TV togather until DD is sleepy. Once she is sleepy , then I'll make her sleep with stories (some time she ask both of us so DH will also join us).
If we have any office work, we do only after once she is sleeping (we both are in IT), specially me. No office work, if she is around whether it's weekday or weekend.

If we do not have much work in office, we prefer to come early and pick her immediately. It never happened in last 4 years that we are not in office and she is in daycare. Also, we never did any outing (even grocery shopping) without her..we just leave her in daycare when we are in office. I had seen my friends who leave their kid with nanny and go for movie/shopping.

 

This is v.true. I stayed home for my sons first year and till date that has been the best time spent. I will not want to trade the satisfaction for anything in the world. We managed to keep him home till he was 19 months old...thanks to his g.parents.
With regards to baby sitting other kids, I knew I wouldn't be ready to risk that and so, I even considered working for a daycare(something like a manager). In my sons old daycare, the managers daughter was in my sons class and she had the best of both world's. I really used to envy her. Stay with your kid at the infant stage is something I advice all moms too but for some, working is more of a passion. Itz all about what we want at the end of the day.

 

This just made me cry at my desk...
But I am atleast lucky that I have a choice not to work for a while...but there are millions of women who have to go to work to put food on the table....
My mom was one among them and I feel so proud of her.

 

I think "have it all" has different meaning for different people. I am with Priya4Oct although my job is not a financial need but more of an intellectual need.

My son who just turned 2 today, comes first not my job/ career for me, although I have learned to balance both motherhood and job.

I took 10 weeks maternity leave (as oppose to standard 6 weeks in USA), I just told my employer that I am not ready and if he wish me to take unpaid leave, I'd be happy to do so (if you don't know family act (FAFSA) allows new parents to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave with job security). He said I've worked hard for last 5 years and he'd be more than happy to pay me even if I stay home for full 12 weeks of FAFSA. I was applying for faculty position while I was pregnant and had to attend 3 campus interviews when my son was 2-3 months old. I told the search committee (to the horror of my postdoc advisor who suggested me to not bring up my family responsibilities at an interview) that I'll need a room for pumping and I may show up with an infant in stroller. I did take my son to two of the interviews when my husband had to be out of town. For me, my family was and always will be my priority, if my employer has a problem with that, I'd rather not take the job. I was offered both positions; however, I accepted one where my husband already had an offer. We negotiated our terms. When our office secretary sent me the schedule last spring that had one of my labs 4:30-7:30 twice a week, I went to the department head and told him I can't do this for the whole semester or I'll need a TA. He made sure that no new faculty with family responsibility should have such commitments.
I miss my baby, no doubt about it but I am a much happier person when I see my career growing and can spend quality time with my son. My husband and I spend 2 hours in morning with our son (he wakes up at 6/ 6:30), take him to the daycare together, stay there until he himself says, "bye mommy, bye daddy, I love you", pick him up together (most of the time unless when of us have other commitments) at 5 and then until he goes to bed (8:30 pm), we do everything together. We have fun time, no internet, no phone interruptions. We cook together (whenever we do, not on a daily basis), we play, give him bath together, read to him, do art projects with him, go for a walk or whatever but he has our full attention.

When I took a break between switching jobs and stayed with him all day, I felt I wasn't spending quality time all day. There were times I wanted to curl up with a book or do something different. It was hard when we started him sending to the daycare (when he was with a nanny, I didn't feel bad because he loved her and she was my friend), I cried everyday and thought of quitting my job but within 3 weeks he loved the daycare, he couldn't wait to go see his friends. He gets so excited about the gym bus, swimming in outdoor/ indoor pool at the daycare, riding a bicycle on the track, sandpit or ballroom- he keeps on telling us about all the things that he does during the day. Personally, I feel if I were a SAHM, I wouldn't have done all the fun stuff, all day with him and I cherish the time that we spend together.

So, in a way, I think I have it all. Mostly because my job is flexible and I set the tone before I joined my job, so everyone knows what to expect from me.

 

My sons daycare told me to ask his dad to drop him in the morning since children get accustomed to a routine...they recommend that one parent drops while the other picks up to ease their insecurity. I dont think I can handle it if I go to work seeing him cry. In his initial days of daycare, my husband (who is less emotional) said he used to drop him and sit in the car with tears for sometime before he could start to work. I never called him around when he wud reach work coz he tends to chock while talking. Looks like it is an emotional roller coster for men also to have a working spouse.

 

Emerald, to be honest, i dont think what I feel about leaving my kid at the daycare and going to work can be called 'guilty'. I miss her, yes. but am i guilty? No. I feel sad, yes. But do i feel i am depriving her of something? No.
I think over a period of time, we do get to reach a balance where you are able to look back and see that what you did was the best for you and your child.

 

Gauri. excellent quote. Loved every word of and can relate to every word of it. But I can put my hand on my heart and say it would apply to my DH as much as it applies to me. I think the word 'woman' can be substituted with 'parent' for dad's feel equal emotions when they see their child. So Mrs Indira needs to know that its the same for daddy too. As a responsible father, he wouldnt have it all.