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Work-life Imbalance.... And How To Handle

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Mar 7, 2020.

  1. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi op,

    Let's put hubby not supporting you, household chores, not working hard in his career etc away for a moment , why is he not bothered about well being of the kids?
    If he cares about the kids he should be living with a them while you're away .
    He should be very well aware that your mom can only do so much and he as a father is inevitable for kids' physical and mental health.
    My suggestion is to ask him to move to the city where you work, move the kids too and share responsibilities.
    Give your mom rest and let her decide where she wants to live.
     
    KashmirFlower and Sunshine04 like this.
  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your intention is to help , just wanted to say that sometimes it is hard to hear your loved one is flawed repeatedly, even though you know it.
    My intent was just to make the suggestions more plausible to implement, .
    Fyi..@SGBV 's home is in South Asia, and while lot of men do land up "helping" at home , the mindset hasnt changed that much in des.
     
  3. shainy

    shainy Bronze IL'ite

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    @SGBV ,

    You have been going through the same issue with your H since the beginning of your marriage. There is no change at all. It's either you and /or your mom always taking care of the home mostly. His contribution was always minimal.

    If your H is earning less, and his contribution is much less, why can't he be stay home dad as you have been the breadwinner. How much of a difference does it make if he quits his job? Moreover when you are working in top positions, you have to focus on the work and not think about kids all the time if they reach home, have food and taken to extra curricular activities. Woman in top position need to have great support system at home. Don't rely on domestic help as the main help. They can quit anytime due to any reason, you should be in a position to handle such scenarios.

    Why did you plan home renovation when you don't have enough reserves to pay for it? It's causing you extra stress and draining your savings . You need to make sound financial decisions based on savings/income, not just listens to your H's demands.

    The only solution is make your H stay home dad and take care of kids/home even if there are some hiccups initially. Don't be bothered by any mistakes and let him learn and take care of the troubles he causes. Sometimes you need to turn a blind eye and not chip in immediately as soon as the mistake happens. Let him grow and learn to be responsible.
     
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  4. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    OP,
    I would suggest you to appoint someone in your house full time who could actually do all the things that you intend to get done from your husband with respect to your kids, their schooling, studies, home management, groceries,etc etc. Pay that person a good salary and make the person accountable for their duties. You can forget about your home renovation for some time now till you move back to your hometown permanently or on a long vacation.
    Your kids emotional well being and studies are more important than the house renovation. Your husband is not co-operating, mother is getting old, and you have to to ensure that everything gets managed well at home as well as office front. Till the time you move back to your home country or take your kids along with you, you need to have a good support for the proper functioning of your kids.
     
  5. gorgeous23

    gorgeous23 Silver IL'ite

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    SGBV

    i had a similar situation, not exactly same though, but please understand there are no easy solutions to such things. At the same time nothing is right or wrong, you take whichever path seems right to you and arrive at the end point.
    all you can do is discuss with the stakeholders:you, husband and mom and arrive at some common area , where you, your DH and your mother somewhat agree. and also understand this that some one will have to compromise. it is okay as long as others compromise but when we ourselves have to compromise, it builds up a lot of resentment. and again , it is okay, its is okay to be resentful, that is what is being human all about. we all have our desires and needs and wants and if those are not fulfilled, it is human nature to be disappointed, angry.

    at the same time please dont be too harsh on your husband, he is doing the best he can do, accept it and move on. even if what he is doing is not up to your mark, acknowledge it, accept it, he is only a human being dear.
    we are all human beings, we each have our fallacies, and we do what we do because of what we think is okay. there is no right way.
    none of us here can offer you any solution, you are best aware of the situation and you know how to best approach the discussion and how to find a solution to which all agree. Maybe not "agree", but to which there is the least hostility. you all may have to let go of some of your own desires and comforts.
    i have been a silent reader of all your posts and i have always admired your confidence and grit. take this situation head on , i know you will tackle it.
     
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I believe this. But in the OP's case, her spouse is expecting her to be the primary provider. In south asian countries, that isn't the norm. If she can get out of the house, live away from kids, have her 70 yrs old mom provide for her kids, bear the complete financial burden of the family, then she isn't with a man who has a typical mindset.

    SGBV - Your DH knows you will make it work as you have in the past. He doesn't change because he doesn't need to. He knows you will complain but in the end, your mom will take care of your kids, no matter how difficult. He also knows that you will continue to fund his social status and your children's futures. If I were him, if someone did it all, I wouldn't have any motivation to change. I believe you have tried it all. Instead of trying to get him to change, you might try hanging onto your career and moving to wherever you can work and make that your primary residence. Can't you rent/sell this house and move your kids with you? A lot of your issues will be resolved if you are in a city where you can go home in the evening. Your kids are also older now. Mom doesn't have to be around if you can find reliable help in your place of work. I don't think you can last in your job for long if you make this long trek back home. Plus your productivity will definitely drop. Make your career a priority. Don't lose focus and lose your job.
     
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  7. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    There are pockets of south asia where this isnt unusual. Husbands of keralite nurses in Queens NY, Philippino guys taking care of kids and parents in Manila while a maid in Singapore sends a monthly stipend home, or an Indonesian girl in HK maintaining her family back home —- have all been the norm for decades now.
    The first time i saw so many lungi/banian clad desi men hanging out in street corners in Queens NY, i was shocked... and later i found out that is a common sight in summers. Their women commute to the various hospitals and old people homes in all the other boroughs.

    There are also girls “on site” supporting families at “home”. These are not visible clusters, so we do not notice that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2020
  8. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    the issue here is that OP's husband does neither
     
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