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Work-life Imbalance.... And How To Handle

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Mar 7, 2020.

  1. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,
    Is there a way you can lower your financial commitments? You need to save for your kids education, marriage and your own retirement and healthcare needs. But once this is done is there a place you can downsize, like the house for example? Then you can have less pressure with your job search.
     
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  2. winterhue

    winterhue Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV,

    Your financial commitments seem to be the actual root of the problem (I may be wrong, but I felt that it is what is anchoring you down). When you sit with your husband to discuss, here are some things to prepare ahead
    1) A Financial plan. Make a 1 year /2 year plan, where you will bring down the EMI to a level where you can manage with a diminished income, keep in mind kids education, your vacations etc too. Make the use of the online financial planning tools to achieve this. This will give you a time period to plan your steps ahead, instead of going in blindly.
    2) A career plan. Your immediate concern should be damage control. Is this supervisor biased against you? In that case, there is nothing you can do to improve your reputation in his eyes. But if that is not the case, I would advice you to focus on trying to highlight your achievements in the next few months, keep your supervisor's supervisor informed too, so that if your boss tries to paint you as a lazy worker, people already know that it is a lie.
    Then , just like the financial plan - clearly chalk out your career aspirations for the next one year , weigh the pros and cons and communicate this with your husband.
    3) You said your mom is reluctant to move, and it may be wrong to force her to do so. But, have you thought of talking to her about the same too? What is she uncomfortable about? Will you be able to do this without her - can you hire reliable maids /day cares at your workplace town ? I assume she wants to stay close to her son hence the reluctance to move, so maybe she can alternate between you and her son - a month there and a month here?

    I understand it is a difficult choice and somehow us women feel guilt no matter what. But remember that you have overcome bigger problems and you are strong. Approach it with a clear mind, and I am sure you will succeed.
     
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  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    It's so tough for a 70 yr old woman to manage two kids and a household on her own...
    A few measures can being relief-
    Your husband needs to take a job in same city where your kids and mom are...or take up a job in which he can work from home remotely...if that's possible...or can he reduce his work commitments and take up a job that's more flexible...
    Being a house husband can hurt his male ego but he can do a job that brings less income but in the same city so he can be there for kids...
    Kids need mother and father both to have a secure childhood...you may face problems with parenting then later on if there is long absence.. they would miss their mother and father...if your mother has any health issue what would you do...
    Better not to put hundred percent responsibility in her..
    You need to search hard for good domestic helper, cook, chauffeur etc..it will be easier for your mother to manage...
    Regarding your superior, I have no idea how to deal..in corporate setup most managers expect hard work and long working hours and even understanding managers tend to lose their cool when their subordinates take long leaves , more number of leaves and are distracted too much by domestic commitments...its not easy for a career woman who need to attend to family too...
    Also as others suggested you can lead a simpler lifestyle and downgrade expenses so you can save more money and not be so stressed..
    You have started some home renovation work as I read in previous thread...this surely would ahve consumed a large amount of money..you could cut down on such stuff and settle for a simpler home without the frills.. fancy interiors, vintage furniture etc can be ruled out.. could instead settle for simpler finishing and practical simple furnishings.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2020
  4. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You have lot of financial commitments on your plate, which is making you stressed out about finding high paying job vs peaceful family life, you need a plan and committed years to wrap up the planned financial things and only focus on kids future savings and your retirement which will give you more scope of Financial freedom life. You can't go long way to work until you turn retirement age (65?) and on the other hand your mom is also aging who might need some physical help down the lane in few years (we can never predict life).

    If you have a year in mind to end this running after opportunities which help you maintain financial status, continue to work in your current position by bringing kids and hire extra help for kids, leave mom with one of your siblings and she can visit quarterly and check on things with the grand kids and your husband can meet you all over weekends. You can rent some of the portions at your home location and keep ground floor for your self and visit monthly once and mange. This will generate some additional income as well. In the meantime if your H is ready, he can look for a job in your work location and kids need both parents!!
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV,
    It is very clear that most of the responsibilities are on you - and your DH helps only a little. It doesn't matter how loving he is, when there are two kids, and primary bread winner is wife, Husband needs to shoulder some of the household duties(even if the role is reversed, husband needs to share family responsibilities). Most families have the same situation and husband and wife help each other. Any help that is from parents, and hired help is only to make life easy. It is not often possible to outsource every single responsibility of the house and expect things to go smooth, because you need constant checking in or managing of things to make sure the needs are met on time. The solution to this problem is simple - you and DH needs to be in the same place, that should be the goal long term. Half of these problems are going to go away when you live together. For that, do what is best for you.
     
    lavani likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am all ready to give him responsibilities, at least to a bare minimum level to start with. But he doesn't seem to be ready to take them up.
    I seriously don't know what is he up to.
    If I am pressurized and try to talk to him about the pressures (work, career, financial burden kids etc..) he would show discomforts in his body language or try focusing something else like TV. This way, I can't continue discussing the same.
    He is not an active listener, and doesn't wanna improve that part either.

    I've asked him the same..... he said he shall try to find a posting at home town. But with no clear hope as to when or where. He doesn't seem to be actively trying for one either.
    If I pressurize further, he would go silent, or leave the home for a while till I cool down.
    I also know that he can't do much here. Just that it hurts since he acts too irresponsible when I dwell like an headless chicken all the time.

    So, this time I have tried giving him simple instructions and basic responsibilities with strict follow ups. Will see

    I know my financial commitments are the biggest culprit here.
    This is where I always go wrong.

    As of now, the house is eating a lot of money. It seems a never ending project.
    Partially my H is to be blamed for all the messes here. It was him who planned it huge, and wanted it perfectly. At that time, I was too naive to fight back or put sense to his mind about our limitations.
    But now, I am careful, and always go after him whenever he makes bigger purchases or extra commitments... even if that means rifts and arguments.

    On the other hand, this stupid peer pressure.
    I know I should have known our limits. But now, I've taken up a lot of responsibilities under my shoulder.
    If God's willing, I guess it would take another few months of efforts to complete the dream house. After that, hopefully I could relax a bit.



    Thanks a lot....
    Ya, I've have passed a lot of big hurdles in the past... More than me, there are women who have crossed mountains to reach where they are today. Hence I am sure, I shall find a good balance very soon.
     
  7. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    your H is useless. sorry if it hurts. i do not see anything wrong you in pursuing better career for your kids and family. i do not know what to say. your statement you told his salary is not even enough for his own expenses. and he is acting like a teen.

    i do not understand the fact, you are getting judged for better career . prices are not going down. if your mom has health issues, some one has to pay. you need to save for kids college. marriage. your own health .

    sitting at home does not he needs to sit do nothing and be depressed. there are lot of ways to help. help kids with their routine. may be take course in udemy in investment and do paper trading and up the game slowly. remote online work in upwork.com or call center work for few hrs. they are random ideas.

    sorry if i am rude.
     
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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband is to blame. Didn't he increase the budget of the house?
    Talking with the builder behind your back.
    Is he paying for the house?NO.
    He Is totally irresponsible.
    He will not make money
    Will not take care of household, kids.
     
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  9. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Peeps, OP is pretty aware her husband is not being responsible. He bonds with the kids, takes care of himself/his expenses, a bit of help around the house but she cannot depend on him to take responsibility of house logistics, child care, house work supervision. Responsibility cant be forced on anyone. She has given him some options , but he is not stepping up his game, instead he tries to avoid such conversations.
    Now she wants help to deal with this situation. Let's focus on that.
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    with all due respect, my intention is not turn this thread in wrong direction.

    OP wants a solution, here is one

    relocate the kids to the place where OP works, find a school. OP goes to work from 9 - 5 . Get a nanny to help from morning 6-9 am , then from 3 pm to 9 pm. hard to find. buy try.


    forget about H, if he is stuck in old place, have him quit work and relocate.
    mum is old, she has worked hard enough. cannot push

    other than , i do not see anything that works . again my view.

    i do not agree with your input. on bonding with kids.

    my H also bonds with both kids. they love him share details more to him than me. then he is super strict on some stufff like school, food and exercise. i am late most of the days, he comes gives some veggie to both. then runs to pick daughter from music class. meanwhile son has to finish his online math.

    lot of men juggle like this here in usa. i went to india for 3 weeks, he took care.

    my co-worker , he is from maharastra, his wife mum died in last year jan . she went to india, for a month, he took care of kids. again dad died in dec. again she went. . he took care.

    marriage means , both have to work. or if it is not working out, then find a way to make 1 person life easy even if it sucks for other
     
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