Withdrawing Promised Help To Relative?

That's very kind, but I'm nowhere near as witty as Rihana.

 

NObody can really pressurize you. It is your prerogative to decide which expense is worth your money.

However, if the parents are a little too hard pressed for even a decent wedding, may be you can give a little extra than what you had planned as a gift, but not the whole amount.

We had done something similar for one of DH's cousins. Parents were not earning and the family was supported by the girl's twin brother alone. A decent enough wedding would have put too much pressure on the poor kid, so we gave a generous amount as gift. Anything more than that would be a interest - free loan that they will need to repay slowly. This reduces the financial and mental burden for the family.

It is circumstances that decide, Rihana. No one can take for granted, the money you saved for education can be automatically diverted to a wedding.

 

Rihana,You did not promise them a wedding.
You promised to fund education.

We are in a similar situation...although no promises were made.
My mom's close cousin happens to be economically very weak mostly owing to her good for nothing husband .She has two kids,a daughter and a son.Both have gone on the father in terms of responsibility.

Now this daughter's marriage is fixed.It is assumed that the close siblings and cousins will sponsor the wedding.My mom being the symbolic head of the family is expected to make a considerable contribution.

1)When I heard of this coming wedding,I got all excited and suggested that we three siblings and my mom should get her wedding jewelery made.A simple set nothing too elaborate.
2)All four of us give her some big pieces of appliances that will help her start her life.
3)Sponsor a part of the wedding dinner.
4)Let the mother know the amount we can contribute right now so that she can use that money to plan.

All four options were turned down by my mom.
Her reasoning being
1)Jewelery....her mom has jewelery given at her wedding from her father and mil.This jewelery is meant for the children.
2)The girl is getting married in a joint family so they already have what is required for running the house.
3)Let her mother plan the wedding party according to her resources.Why increase the expectations of the guys family?
4)The girls mother is not that smart herself.If we tell her the money we are contributing ,she will just use it for unnecessary stuff instead of what needs to be done.

Our weddings are simple.My mom's estimate is that ,since jewelery is taken care of and the only stuff that should be expected is a marital bed and a dressing table and a normal wedding dinner and some gifts for the guys family...the wedding should not cost more than 4-5 lakhs.

My mom plans to let the mother plan the wedding and the expenses.She will ask the mother for the expenses a month before the wedding and offer to pay her for what she can. Infact she has asked all the siblings and cousins to do the same.
All together the family is contributing around 8-9 lakhs with our contribution being about 2 lakhs (mom and three siblings)
The contributions from the family are far exceeding the wedding expenses. The rest should be given to the mother or the daughter in the form of FD.

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May be you could ask your mother about her plans.Tell her how much you are willing to gift and if you all could contribute as a family.This way the expectations in future will be toned down.

 

It's not at all petty. You already did so much for her (in education) compared to other relatives. They cannot expect you to do everything even though you are rich and have lot of money.

Who knows in future her plans may change, she may want to pursue higher education and she may want you to help her again in that higher education.

First of all why do they want to spend so much for the wedding if it's beyond their budget? why can't they do a simple wedding which can be affordable...

IMO spending money / helping some one for education is a great thing, because education really helps a person to get a good job & build their career, but spending too much money on a wedding doesn't sound wise.

 

Rih - go with your gut on spending for this instance. Thats best decision.

 

No, you don't sponsor the major part of the wedding. But no, not the regular amount gift either. Say you will sponsor ONE item off the wedding list. Say, the food. Or say, one big piece of jewelry. Or, the venue rentals.

And maybe use this opportunity to become more DH-like in your financial opinions with relatives? There really is no un-abrasive way to say "I am going to be like this from now on."