Wishing good things

thanks for the wonderful information falguni

 

Wow superb. You did good. Nice to see you with a kick ass attitude. I am happy for you. Hope it works out for both of you.

 

Falguni,

Just saw this thread. Am happy he came to fix the tv but I will also say dont go back so quickly to 'life as usual', dear. There is a huge fear in you that he will leave you and he knows it and he is using it to his advantage and that is what is making you toe the line, do all this. You have to make him also believe the same, that his behaviour can and will make you leave him or he will not toe the line. You have your whole life to cook favorite dishes for him. Right now, there are some extremely important basic foundation stones that have to go into place in your marriage. Get those things right first. Go slowly and methodically. Have the conversations, establish understandings, then return to normal hubby-wife things. Dont skip steps.

For sure, I dont want to make you feel bad about this happiness you got past weekend. Okay, you did what you did. It is what it is. Jo kiya so kiya. But no more repeats, ok? dont start a new routine where he can drop in every weekend to pick up food for the week while watching tv. Esp without his even asking or even helping! No more cooking for him. Next weekend no matter what is the bahana he gives to drop in, no cooking. Keep him guessing. Tell him you are not home, or even if you are, do your own work, like nobody is there. Dont give him the importance to sit beside him and all. Come on yaar. If he has to cheek to ask you to cook,give him a look or some random answer. Be unpredictable. He no longer has these rights on you, he has voluntarily given them up. If he wants his rights back, well they come with some responsibilities.

How much he made you cry? I dont think you hav forgotten that, right? Go read your posts in the other thread if you forgot. Even I , a complete stranger, became so disturbed reading your words. And you are doing this? Please, Falguni, please be strong. For yourself, for your future happiness. Everything you do from now on should be to never let that situation repeat again. Dimaag se kaam le, Falguni, dil se nahin! Dil to pagal hai! :thumbsup

 

Basically Falguni, it amounts to this:

Until he himself actually 'unsays' all he told you about leaving you, divorce etc, etc, that issue is still very much there--- hanging over your head. That discussion must happen, it cannot be in unspoken form. The words that he has changed his decision, and wants to reconcile have to be said. Out loud to you. He can repair million tvs, ask for 1000 recipes, you can cook for 52 weeks but your marriage state is just where it was.

Sorry to say, but if he is not saying the words, and doing everything else but, he is playing with your emotions and taking advantage of your love for him.

Really sorry if my words sound too harsh or preachy.

 

Falguni, I have been following your posts.Last week you literally fell apart after your husband left. I am not trying to rehash your pain but merely reminding you that he did it without any remorse or any concern towards you. I do say so becoz this was not a discussed move to move away from you. He thought it , and did it.Where does that leave you?I am not talking about your job and finances here.I am talking about you as a wife and him and you being a family.He was hell bent on separating then? What changed and suddenly he came back.

I am sorry to say this but it looks like he made a pit stop to get supplies for next week.What exactly did he do for you?Nothing.You made his fav dishes as usual.From your posts it looks like you are scared your MIL will win by separating you and your husband.As a result to prove to her you wont you are gripping by the straws.Has he shown any remorse at all in this visit.Do you think by sliding all the issues under the carpet they will vanish and u will get back to your husband in a reformed state.You need to get up and face the facts.The sooner this melodrama ends the better.Next time your husband comes over , sit down and discuss all the problems.Explain your stand on this.Dont make outrageous promises like you will be a perfect bahu.Nobody can be.Its a farce to make DILs bend down to so called highnesses like abusive in laws.Wake up and smell the coffee.Today its only you and your husband.Tomm there will be kids.Do you want your kids to hear your husband singing outrageous praises of your MIL -FIL and making you bow down to each of their demands thru relayed messages from your husband.

Think about my post in free time.Dont call him by yourself.if he calls ,keep it terse.When he visits hash out all issues which brought you to the present situation.Dont say you will be this or that when you really dont want too. It will bite you back big time later.Maintain a stance and work around it.You shud also not be making your husband feel he can come back anytime he wants like before.Putting the distance b/n you two was his idea for separation to feel good about himself and his family.Nothing's changed after his visit too.He got another glimpse of he can walk over you and you wont say no too .Chin up face the facts and let your husband face music from you.I cant stress that more.Think about all this.Good Luck.

 

I agree with chocolate. You are making it easier for him to live separately by giving him supplies for the week. I know you dont want to break the already weak bond at this moment and I am actually a bit confused as to what is the right way. You dont want to aggravate him and at the same time you need to teach him a lesson. Maybe you could have given him just dinner for that night. Giving him weekly supplies is making his life without you easy.

 

Falguni dear

Feel good post.. and i love the optimism.. i am sure he cares, right now, i can just sum this situation as drinking the water from the top, knowing that it is murky, dirty at the bottom..if you give him a chance, he would want to have the easy way out, but the actual problem will never be solved..marriage is not about sleeping together, cooking for him..and he needs to realize it..and you are not helping by giving him food for the week..Please don't think he will succumb to your concern, or those food packets, i believe he will start using this as the leverage for the weekend stays...

And don't mimic your mil, no dear, you don't want to be HER..be yourself, and see if he can learn to love and live with YOU rather than expecting you to be clone of what he wants...

itna bhi aap zuko nahi khi woh phir se apka dil thode..
aapney tho sambalna seekh liya ab:thumbsup,

 

"So why long or wait for someone else to make us smile. Let us make ourselves smile."
I really liked this part...
falgunid18 em happy for u...keep up the +ve spirit gal..!!!:thumbsup

"what would you do or did that made you happy today atleast for sometime"
- Hmm..the thought of eating chicken biryani and chicken chilly really made me happy for a while.. but then i got to cook it..so 4get it..

 

Falguni..
I can't help but agree with eardian/ chocolate/ Sandhya/ shany and others who are seeing your situation without the rosy specs on.. Darling girl you are so naive.. though I hate being a partypooper or negative person.. but being practical in your situation is very important for your tomorrow..
once again I want to reinforce that please remember this man left you high and dry with batting his eyelids to satisfy his male ego and that of his mom..he knew all the while when he didn't contact you that you like a poodle will be waiting for him and longing for him... he has come back to you only because you started giving him the impression that you are all of a sudden not sulking and mourning for him but enjoying yourself and that made him insecure... now seeing that all is normal as he is most welcome anytime he wants to walk in without an apology or explanation he can do so.. you've made your self a freeway for him without paying toll tax...
I'm so sorry if I've hurt your enthu but please understand men need to be told they don't understand subtle behaviour.. you have to spell out your hurt .. the next time he decides to show up please open up your feelings and demand an explanation to his unpardonable behaviour.. yes do tell him how much you missed him and how miserable you were.. but you did make peace with yourself and situation and decided to live life your way.. so he can't just walk in and out of your life as and when.. either he sticks to his marriage vows .."for good or bad" or you need to re-think about this complete relationship...
YES GIVE HIM A WARNING.. he can't have the upper hand every time...
Falguni.. you know what I used to be like you.. totaling giving into all sorts of tantrums.. then I slowly realised that I made myself too available.. too easy to throw around.. thats when I put my foot down.. the minute your DH realises that you CAN AND WILL live and survive without him he will come back with his tail between his legs..UNLESS OFCOURSE he doesn't want to be with you anymore.. which I really doubt..

 

I told you he will be back once he is out of his "mom ka bhoot from his head".

So happy for you dear. Now game is still on. Living seperate coz of different work place is something different than wht has happened in your case. Your Dh had option to be with you in the place by taking up the Project in the your city only but since he created drama he needs end.

Also, this weekend family life is no life, atleast in your situation where you still needs to bond more and you need to stay together all through.

Ok I will to the point. Dont show off your pleasure seeing him. Just tell this is not going to work out by meeting only on weekends as it is difficult for you to live alone on weekdays and manage everything by yourself. Let him change Project or give commitement to you to take up the thing here once the current Project is done.

Dont be so available to him all time. Go ahead with being more independent. Have more friends.

Love you. All the best.