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Will you tell all your and ur husbands salary to your parents?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Renu1999, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Mine is arranged marriage. I was not working during marriage. After 2 years of marriage I started working and since it is my first job I used to tell my mom exactly what I was making. But now after 7 years I tell my mom how much I am making per hour and all but I dont want to tell her where everything goes. I get annoyed everytime my mom ask this question to me.
    SHe has no financial issue but lately I give her certain amount everymonth as I am working part time.
    But whenever I call her she ask me how much did you pay for day care this month. How much is for your transportation.
    ANd she started analyzing is it worth for you to go to job or not..... I dont like it I call my mom just to talk to her and ask about her well being but she constantly tells m e that they got hike and somebody got good job and why is your salary not going up? and all and this really annoys me.
    ANd she also wants to know exactly how much husband makes. what is tax refund for this year? Did he get any hike? these are the questions she asks me when ever I call her this time.
    Ladies please tell me how not to get into argument. and tell my mom not to compare my life with anybody else.
    I told her several time there life is different and mine is different And I have to be happy about what I have and I am
    but these days she always talks about it.I dont know why?
    where is teh problem exist is it because I call her everyday.
    what Should I do... I dont know why I dont like to discuss everything But I just dont like. ...
    MIL she also asks exactly same question to my husband everytime we call her. Is it because we live abroad there is no love /caring available between people anymore.
    ANd they just care about money???
     
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  2. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Renu,

    Sometimes too much of communication gives rise to arguments. Same is the case here.

    If you are abroad, I don't think its necessary to call up your parents everyday.

    Limiting calls to once or twice a week should be fine.
     
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Discuss as little financial information with your family as possible. I used to discuss stuff with my dad but he would end up comparing me with every tom, dick and harry. During a fight my MIL told me I only make 2/3rd of what my husband makes. My great MIL has not even crossed high school nor earned a single penny in her life and I don't know where she got the audacity to compare my pay with my husband's pay. The nice thing is that a few months down the road I got a huge pay jump and I started making as much as my husband :rotflI think certain boundaries have to be established and even if we come across as curt, we must cut out the nonsense. For some reason our previous generation has this bad tendency of comparing each individual rather than accepting each person as he or she is.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
  4. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Renu,

    Never ever discuss financial info with anyone else, even your mother. It will come back to bite you. I have learned this the hard way. I was working until recently when I quit to stay home full time with my child. As I have already said in other posts, I was supporting my parents financially after their business failed. In order to convince my mother that my sending money will not cause financial hardship to my family (husband, kid and me), I used to tell her about my pay, hubby's pay, expenses, etc etc etc. So, when I quit, immediately she started asking me all sorts of questions like how do you manage, what is your mortgage, how you quit and how you can afford to quit etc. Also, even though she is not on good terms with my brother and his wife, she still has a big soft corner for them and will discuss each and everything I said with them and his wife, in turn, will tell everything to her mother etc. I made a fool of myself in this way and recently plugged the information hole.

    My brother was furious because I stopped sharing anything with him (actually with my mother) but I have learned my lesson. Politely avoid answering any finance-related questions. It is better to even appear rude than to share every detail of your life with someone else (even if your own mother!).

    My current issue is, my parents no longer want any money from me even though it is not a big hardship for us at all. I am now stuck to worrying about them and how they are managing because now they are thinking I am suffering here from penuary even though my hubby makes a good income and we can comfortably afford our house and me being a housewife. So, silence is golden.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2010
  5. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    My parents don't bother me with anything ...All they are worried about is my married life because they pretty well know I have no financial problems. My Dad still works though he retired from the university he used to work at so they live a pretty decent life. I don't send them any money neither does my sister.

    The only mistake I did was revealing my pay to my husband. I earn more than he does and I have a stable job. His mom uses this aspect as a weapon and poisons my DH's mind. Whenever me and my DH argue he brings this up saying if I my pay was not more than his and if I was not well educated or had a stable job I would have been happy in this marriage..He thinks I have a superiority complex and a bad ego..I don't agree with him...My complex or ego would have been the same even if I didn't earn at all...He expects me to be his slave ..He doesn't want me to have a say in anything relating to our life together..it's his way or no way....I don't think any girl with common sense would bow down to his wishes...I think he has an inferiority complex:bonk
     
  6. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I have gone through everyone's posts (experiences) in this regard. Mine is very different from you all.

    I used to earn 10 times bigger than my DH, and mine was an international position in the same organization where my DH used to work as national staff. Which means I was in his supervisory position.

    Ours was a love marriage, and as couple we didn't have any issues over it.

    We used to NOT share our information with both sets of parents, hence we kept our salary matters also as secret (though our parents aware about our positions and could guess the salaries).

    Lately, one day I came to know from my mom, that my FIL has been saying so many bad stuff about me with his neighbors (my parents too live in the same area) such as we don't have any savings, and he has done a favor to me by marrying his son to a girl who has no savings, no dowry etc... But the truth is I have given all my savings/salary and everything to my DH which is 100 times bigger than a dowry of a normal bride.

    Also he started commenting about my possible financial helps to my FOO, which was not true as they are financially well off.

    This has badly hurt my mother's ego, as she knew very well that her daughter earns a lot and suffers a lot in Sudan for that earning. Also she knew how much savings I had before marriage, hence she felt bad hearing all the negative comments about my worthness by my FIL.

    She got furious and asked me to share my financial details for my own good, hence I shared.
    Now my mom replies to all such neighbors and even to my FIL about how much I have and how big my salary compared to my DH etc... to shut his nasty mouth. Even she has suceeded in this now.

    Now I am back in India... and I am confident that I can manage my FIL easily.
     
  7. vinnyvishy

    vinnyvishy Bronze IL'ite

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    hello renu
    just dont disclose any financial infn to anybody
    I usually say I dont know how much my hubby earns.
    their response wd be "what u dont know how much he earns?
    wont he tell u?
    I ask them "why should I know. salary of a man/woman & age of woman is not to be asked. this is a popular saying here".
    I dont want to know that also. He provides me with all the things I want. (I maintain his papers, bank statements,share details etc,etc. there is no necessity to tell it out to anybody.
    Usually a person's capacity is judged by his earnings. those who earn so much need not be a good person. Its not earnings which decides persons. but the true heart is to be taken for judgement.
    regards.
    -vinnyvishy
     
  8. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Renu,
    People will be different kids. They can be your parents/siblings/close freinds but dealing with them really matters. Sometimes, toomuch of boosting or information causes lot of troubles. Try to share little fnancial info that too on need basis. I too had a bitter experience with my MIL in my initial days of marriage. Then I learnt from it, now neither me or my DH shares salary related info to his parents. Sometimes I tell my parents, but they dont create any troubles and advices us more savings and comfortable living. But whenever I get a pay hike, I share with my DH and my Dad. My dad feels so proud for that minute for me, so thats million worth to me. If somebody is trying to get financial info from me, I simply ignore them or just restrict them with a smile.
     
  9. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies,
    For your wonderful replies. I think I should limit number of calls I make to my parents ... calling everyday only creates problem. If I dont call they will say you are only daughter and you dont care about us. They will make me feel guilty all the time.
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Renu

    Simply your mom has too much of time and she doens't know how to divert her energy and she is simply spending time on you.
    Is there any way can you help her to divert her mind towards something which makes her busy?
    One day be frank with her and tell her that you don't like asking inner details about your salary.Does she has ability to understand your request?
     
    sindmani likes this.

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