Will You Be Offended?

I've been through similar situations and try to avoid using the word "offended," as it can sound like a demanding guest. My husband helped me frame it correctly: it's not about them intending to offend, but about differing views on spending time together. When I spend time and money to visit, I expect quality time and talking, whereas for them, it might just be about ticking a checkbox of "let's invite her, let's have her over."

I learned this lesson the very hard way. Now, if I am spending a weekday or even weekend at someone's place, I make sure I know what their plans are. I actually ask are you taking the day off. Often, their response is vague, like "Just a few meetings, should be fine." I used to accept this, but ended up twiddling my thumbs waiting for their meetings to get over, while they mimed to me where things are in the kitchen, and regularly asked if I was doing OK. Now, I ensure I have a rental car or other plans.

Since the pandemic and the rise of remote work, super busy multitasking folks think they can work and host simultaneously. I used to feel annoyed, but now I genuinely see it as a different approach and plan accordingly. But, this learning was a very hard lesson and very expensive. Once I had to book a last-minute hotel when a friend didn't take off five days like she said she would. After wasting one day at her place, I politely explained things to her, and even managed to conquer my biggest fear - figuring out my way in public transit where I didn't speak the language. She genuinely was surprised. She thought the way she entertained other visitors would work for me too.

Another time, I wasted two days watching CNBC for hours that a friend's husband was watching while she worked. Also, on one of our highly anticipated sunrise viewing drive up a mountain, that was on my to-do for years, she changed plans from me driving us both in my rental car to her husband driving their car. I couldn't drive that epic route myself, and I ended up in the back seat while her husband talked loudly throughout. Was meeting this friend after twenty years. Sigh.

Anyway, I've put all these down to life's learning experiences. This is all with friends however. In your case, it was sibling. I think it was rude of them to invite you over and then both be unavailable for hours together. A very expensive experience when time is at a premium, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. And, you can't say much or even express disappointment as it will just make things worse.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. The thing is that when it comes to siblings, hope springs eternal in the human heart. We keep thinking in each trip that this time things will be different, but finally, nothing is different. : )

One more time, I reconnected with a childhood friend and was meeting her after 25 years. She got married very young, after intermediate. We planned to meet in a restaurant we used to go to in college. I was all emotional and sentimental looking forward to the meeting, how we would catch up, yada yada. How I would insist on paying the bill.

I am sitting at the restaurant, I arrived early. She walks in, and I see she brought her 23 or 24 yr old son along. It was a very awkward meal for me. I gathered she was very proud of her son, and his accomplishments, and wanted me to meet him, frankly put, she wanted to show off her son to her friend visiting from USA. I was gracious, and spoke with him, asked about his business etc, but it was a let down for me, counting travel time, it was 5-6 hrs of a day gone. I allowed him to be the man of the event and pay for the lunch. And dropped the plan of going to "our" ice cream shop and "our" bakery after lunch.

Sorry, taking over your thread with my experiences. : ) : ) : )