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Will I ever belong to them???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Priya35, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,

    From your post, I feel that ur DH is a very loving, responsible and a matured man. He shud be the one to think of all tis. U can only relate to ur in-laws thru ur DH. Without ur dh, u mean nothing to them and vice-versa.

    I guess ur DH understands that he cannot change his parent's attitude and so he does nt try to.. So, enjoy wit ur DH and kids and dont worry abt other things. There are so many women, who are sandwiched between husband and in-laws and they suffer a life of hell everyday. But u r lucky to have a husband who is not expecting you to change for his parents. Isint it a grt thing?

    Cheers,
    Aruna
     
  2. Priya35

    Priya35 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Kainaath, I understand what you are saying. I know I need to count my blessings. Sometimes, I just feel that I am left out.
     
  3. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Priya,

    I shared my experience here to make you feel better by telling that even though everything matches people face the same.

    Gud that you are trying to involve their customs too so that kids can learn both.Hopefully some day they will soften their stand for you.

    suji
     
  4. Priya35

    Priya35 New IL'ite

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    Yes aruna, my dh knows very well his parents will never change and I cannot live with them. He never even gave it a try. Even before marriage, he used to say we will live separately. He always says he believes in living life each one their way. He never insisted I do something accdg to their customs and I never force on him somethings. Infact, I can say he allows me to be who I was and am.
    For the wedding rituals, name change, when I grumbled he said calmly just let this go and this will be the last time. Let it happen now. And yeah that is great he stood by his word.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya,

    This may not be what you want to hear, but here goes:
    Will you ever belong to them as per your definition of belonging? No.

    You think you got married according to their customs and yours were only minimally performed at the reception, so you should get some credit for that. They might be looking at it as a temporary compromise you made for the sake of getting married. To add to it, there is the typical upper hand of the boy's side - if it comes to a choice having to be made, the boy's side customs get followed more often than not, even in marriages where the boy and girl are from the same religion.

    Islam allows for men to marry a woman from other religion as long as the woman converts to Islam. This, I have read, in fact earns the man some punya of having convered a non-believer to a believer in Islam. You haven't formally converted, another reason your in-laws still think of you as an outsider. You keep their scriptures next to your pooja area, that is nice. But it is unrealistic to expect that to get you any brownie points. Generally, men are not that religious, and it is up to the women to follow rituals and customs and keep festivals/culture alive in a house - which according to them is not happening in their son's house.

    By and large, in India (apart for some areas that follow a matriarchal system) the girl enters the boy's household and becomes part of his family (whether or not they live together). It is hence easier for the girl's side to give their approval for a marriage outside the religion/community. The girl's parents think that it makes our daughter happy, so lets say yes. The boy's side, on the other hand, is the one that receives a new person in their family. Now, don't get mad, dear, this is how I think it is, unfair as it sounds.

    The biggest point they must be holding against you is that you don't live with them. While this might have been a good decision for you and your husband to take, in the eyes of your in-laws it cost them the opportunity to live with their son.

    Your desire to belong to them and be considered as someone they will turn to for help is understandable, but, unfortunately, it is not going to happen. I would say, the status quo is natural and thinking from your in-laws point of view and their age, it is to be expected.

    If you haven't already, you can perhaps try to work on building a deeper relationship with your in-laws on an individual (one-on-one) and direct (not through husband) basis - with MIL, co-sister and so on. Meaning, think a bit - how can I connect better with MIL? But honestly, if it hasn't happened in 10 years, it ain't gonna happen now.

    Like many have said in posts before, this not belonging happens in many marriages, if that is of any comfort to you.

    -Rihana
     
  6. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    Its sad that they do not realize they have a DIL who WANTS to integrate with the family. Well, its their problem.
    You know, you can only take the horse to the water but cannot make it drink. I think you need to let go and be happy and content with your family - husband and kids..
    :)
    Good Luck! :thumbsup
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya I had an arranged marriage with both parent's consent in same religion, caste, subcaste etc etc... still I dont belong to them :biglaugh!!!! According to them also if I live with them in their house then they MIGHT consider me a family member.. however am not dying to be in a gas chamber to be called a NAZI descendent:crazy........

    I really wonder why people get scared of different religion, caste etc when within the same community we end up with same or bigger struggles!!!
     
  8. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Priya... just thought I'll share this..
    I'm a parsi zoarashtrian married to a bengali hindu... lets skip the fuss before marriage on both sides but for my FIL who stood by us...

    --we had a registered marriage and a hindu marriage...
    ---I make sure my son follows all hindu festivals and also parsi ones...
    -- I perform all the necessary poojas like saraswathi/ lakhshmi etc..
    -- I'm not a very religious or temple going person but started going to please MIL
    --- I stayed for total of 5 years in 16 years of marriage with them with frequent visits for ------ more than 6 weeks duration when my son was a baby
    ---- I sent my son alone to visit his grand parents when from 5 years old
    --- My son has a hindu name as I didn't want conflicts
    --- I have learnt to speak bengali before my marriage

    Inspite of that my MIL has been :drowning:rant... can't say the words B*****H to me..
    she often tells me " what do you know about us???"and I know more about hinduism than her definately!!!...
    So moral of story...no matter what you do don't seek for acceptance as they have preconceived notion of "you will never belong"
    I never did the above to get acceptance but for my love for my DH and just bcoz I wanted to do it....
    you have your family (DH & KIDS) why do you seek acceptance from else where?
    K
    P.S My FIL was a lovely man and all the rest of the family do care for me!!
     
  9. Priya35

    Priya35 New IL'ite

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    I did it to make dh happy, not for anything else. When we were ready to get married, I told dh there is huge difference between us considering religion so why not go for registered marriage. He said his parents will never forgive him for the rest of his life and so lets listen to them on this matter, after that I can handle the rest. My parents started saying once you given in, forever you will be giving in. But I had that faith in my dh. I could understand his desperation. I love him more because he stood by his word after that. One time they had an argument, I was there but kept my mouth shut, and dh said if we wanted we could have registered marriage but the reason she followed our customs for marriage was to become part of our family.


    After the above heated argument, FIL asked me to convert if I am really interested to join their family. Dh said NO. If you guys can take her as she is then fine otherwise I do not need that from her. He told PILs, don't you realize how big a sacrifice that would be asking from her?
    If you ask me I don't know what I would have done without dh's support. May be I would have given in for my love towards my husband / May be not for the fear of facing parents wrath........I cannot even imagine what I would have done. Thank GOD my dh saved me from making that decision.


    Cosister told me so many times how PILs have felt sad that their son has been distanced from them which even in their wildest of dreams have never ever imagined. Also, I do not eat meat since I am brought up like that, my parents being veg. I have learned some recipes from MIL only for dh. He never insisted though, but is happy I can make few of his favorites. I know MIL is happy inside because cosister told me that MIL keeps telling FIL 'that girl makes our son happy, she is not bad'. :thumbsup



    :exactly:


    Shilpama, I am sorry to say this but your situation brings comfort to me seeing the huge difference in our marriage and I am still wanting to be one among them. Am I asking for too much!! Yeah, Sure I am.
    Good luck your side!! :thumbsup

    You are lucky to have such an open minded FIL.
    My PIL asked me you do not know anything about our religion, our way of life, do you think you will be happy living with our son. I said to love my husband and live with him I only need to know him and not anything else. My MIL said don't you think you have betrayed your parents, your religion. My answer was NO.
    Actually, before marriage it was still hurting with PIL asking me 'Did you not get anyone from YOUR people, that you are after our son'?
    I answered them by asking "what if your son is asked the same by my parents?'

    Though I talked back to them, but on my way home, I cried my heart out. Dh was with me and gave me so much support and comfort. At that time, seeing his parents attitude towards me, I thought I can never get married to this man. I am happy to get this man as my husband and cannot ask for more.

    Thanks to all who responded!!!
     
  10. Priya35

    Priya35 New IL'ite

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    Rihana, I forgot to tell you on this. My PILs celebrate their festivals in a very grand way. We go and attend and I have seen that they like it too with all their sons with them during that time. I have also felt how cleverly I am side lined among all the DILs. Dh also observed that. My BILs, SIL are friendly to me, relatives are also nice but I mean, I cannot explain every detail but somehow they avoid me in certain things. One Cosister also feels that PILs should not be that sticklers, but she dare not express that to them. I understand her situation too. My PILs are more bothered about society than their own feelings towards me. May be as you said if I get converted then they may include me. But, that is not going to happen anyway. So I guess, I need to stop here. I may be asking for too much.
    My husband and I want our kids to learn both customs and that is exactly why I keep their scriptures not to please PILs or others but because of our joint decision to bring kids up that way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2010

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