Will I ever belong to them???

Priya35 · Feb 17, 2010

Hello all:
I am a Hindu woman married for 10yrs to a Muslim man. We have 2 lovely kids.

I met my dh at my friend's place. We were both in college then and were in our 20s. It was kind of love at first sight for both of us. We met often went out together. After about a year or so we revealed to our parents . Hell broke loose at his place. My parents were upset too but did not create major problem as we promised them that we will finish our studies and become independent before marriage. Everything went well and we got married as per our promise.

Our wedding pictures are a proof of their anger and frustration on their son's decision. Wedding was according to their customs. My parents arranged a reception for our relatives. Before marriage, DH said it is impossible for me to live with his folks since our thinking never match. He told his parents that we will live separately though in the same city. That came as a shock to them. My PILs actually wanted to speak to me before marriage about their son's behaviour....:bonk

I went to their place and you know what they asked me " Did you not get anyone from YOUR people that you are behind our son"?
I opened my mouth to say something but dh jumped in and diffused the whole thing. But I had to say my side too. I told " What if my parents ask the same thing to your son", How will you feel?"

In our wedding, they changed my name for their rituals. I did not like it but dh told me to have patience. I told them I do not want to be called by that name even though they may use that name for any rituals. Even when kids were born, they performed some ceremonies according to their customs.
I told dh that I wish to give Hindu name to one child atleast and he agreed. But, PILs call him with a muslim name. I don't care, neither does dh. He calls by hindu name.
My parents pitch in to help if needed but PILs said they will be willing to stand by us in need if and only if I live with them under the same roof. I cannot do that now. Reason being, there are so many.
Lifestyle, food and customs. Now, I follow my customs when it comes to festivals and dh does not mind at all. He is actually not overly orthodox as his parents. I cannot simply give up all this.

I am a guest in their house even after a decade. I am thankful and happy that dh is always there to support me. His policy is just ignore and do your way. I know how much he fought for us to live separately. I never had to live with them from the day 1 of our marriage.
My BIL and cosister(Muslim) live with them. I have a SIL who is much older and lives in another city. They are very nice to my cosister, not that they ill-treat me but will I ever be treated as one among them??? May be if I agree to their demands of living with them, but the very thought suffocates me. I simply cannot adjust my lifestyle. Dh and I work full time and we help each other in daily chores. My PILs believe in pure male domination. I may or may not be allowed to work if I live with them. And moreover, even the slightest help that dh does will be taken as being under my control. I know the minuses but somewhere in my heart I want to be belonged to them.

Sometimes, I have this dilemma in my mind. I want to belong to them but at the same time do my way of doing things. Will it be possible or should I let go this thought??? They are not bad people, either. Am I craving for attention from them?? Don't know!

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

No, I don't think you will ever 'belong' to them. I think the way things have been going for the past 10 years is how it will continue to go. But really, I think you should feel lucky to have such an understanding husband. I think if right now you were living with them, you'd not have this feeling of wanting to belong, rather you'd probably be going "Argh!!! Get me outta here!" It's kind of human nature to want what we can't have, or to imagine that the grass is greener on the other side. Really Priya, you've dodged a bullet by not living with his parents.

The problem they have with you, is that you are you. In order for them to fully accept you, you will have to turn back the hands of time and petition God to have you born into a Muslim family. You will also have to change your desire to want things 'your way', since from what you've said, they want things done 'their way'. And even if you managed to do all that, still you'd probably be expected to live with them. Can you handle all that? Yeah you could.... but probably only for a little while. Eventually you would break down and hate yourself for turning into a stranger you don't even recognize.

We are brought up thinking life is to be lived ONE way, and any deviation from the script is a horrible mistake. But reality is, there are only a few of us out there who have grown up in a perfect childhood, married into a perfect family with perfect man, worked a perfect job, had perfect children, and died at the age of 99 at home, warm and peaceful in our cozy beds. Reality is, life is nothing like we see it in the movies or read in books. As soon as you let go of these man made expectations, you will be able to realize the GOD GIVEN GIFTS you have right in front of you. You've got a wonderful hubby, the man of YOUR choice, who supports you and stands by you no matter what. You've got cute kids... one of which you said has the name of your choice, even though it was probably a completely different choice than hubby would have picked. And, you've got your own house to make a home. Girl, you are so blessed. :thumbsup

You mentioned one thing in your post... about being a guest in your inlaws home. Yeah, your hubby is a guest in his parents house too. Just like you are a guest in your folks home now too. Why? Because you two have your own home now!! When you are tired at work or out shopping or whatever, and your feet hurt and you just want to sink into the couch and chill.... where do you imagine that happening? Your inlaws house or YOUR house? Yeah, you picture doing that in YOUR house.... your HOME! So where's the problem of being a guest in your inlaws home? Is there something wrong in being a guest?

All you can do Priya, is what you've been doing. You've accomdated his culture, he's accomdated yours. You're doing the best you can. Continue to be nice and pleasent to his parents and rest at ease knowing you have done your part. Whether they want to reciprocate your kindness is in their hands. One lesson I learned the hard way with my inlaws... no matter how nice we are to them, no matter how perfect the rest of the world thinks we are... if our inlaws don't like us, only they can change that in their heart, not us.

Good luck Priya, best wishes for many happy years ahead.

Foundlove · Feb 17, 2010

After reading your post I think that your DH and you have carved out a perfect balance in your marriage. Kudos to both of you :thumbsup.

I have at least 1 friend who is in a similar situation but is miserable.My advice would be please be happy with what you have.Grass is always greener on the other side...it will b e very hard to adjust to all that you have said.

You have a cordial relationship with your ILs and thats good enough..do not complicate your life.

My friend is miserable with all the imposed traditions..

Good Luck and take care.

rosegirl · Feb 17, 2010

I am not sure what your problem here is. I love the way your life is setup..

1.Husband is affectionate and understanding
2.Husband helps around the house
3.In laws at a distance and husband is totally ok with that
4.You are a guest at inlaws place and not a member (Which is an advantage as far as I am concerned)

You need to let go of this craving to be part of their family. You, your dh and 2 kids are your family. So dont complicate your life. JMO.

lotusgirl · Feb 17, 2010

well its not everyone who can have their cake and eat it too..
You have a good thing working out for your family.. ie you DH & kids....
yes it would be nice for ils also to consider you part of their family.. But then how many people in the world are broadminded enough to accept wholeheartedly a person who has totally different views as one of their own? their own son isnt part of their close family now right? Atleast you are part of the family as guest.. be happy..
You didnt mention how your DH is treated by your Parents, but i guess from the tone of your post, hes treated as 1 of the family and as much important as you are in that family? You are lucky you have atleast 1 families support in your life.. that itself is a great thing in such a mixed marriage..
As long as you want your way of doing & believing things to continue, dont expect to be a part of that family wholly. I do understand this wish of yours, believe me, but the best option is what you have as of now..

Priya35 · Feb 17, 2010

Thanks Asuitablegirl, foundlove and rosegirl.

Asuitablegirl: You are right! I think I am imagining grass is greener on the other side.

Foundlove: Even I cannot put up with their traditions...no offense but I have seen it all. Should consider myself lucky to get dh different from their family in his thinking.

Rosegirl; I have absolutely no problems. It is just that sometimes I think I can never be one among them no matter what unless I give in to their demands of living with them, which I can never do.

Actually, this thought keeps coming to my mind each time there is some function on dh's side. When I say I am treated like a 'guest' I mean and 'Outsider'. They have not been able to accept me as a part of their family. I can clearly see how they are with cosister and how they are with me.
It is not that I am very sad over this because I know and was prepared what I would get by marrying my husband. With the huge differences I can understand their emotions too. But why can't they let go off the past??

For e.g, whenever there is some function I am sidelined so well, I can make out the difference. Even though I want to help out with somethings, dh or I ,are never consulted. We come to know of anything happening in inlaws house like any other relative, sometimes some relatives from his side know well before us. It makes me feel we are being left out.

One time they needed extra money for my MIL's knee surgery, we never knew even that she was going in for surgery till I met dh's cousin near kid's school. It pained me. I told dh and he called and asked and again through dh's uncle we came to know that they opted for less cost hospital because of finances. That hospital did not have much facilities. Even BIL was reluctant to take money from dh and he himself could not afford that much. It really hurt me and I talked to FIL. I asked him why he did not even inform us, he said he did not want to disturb us on this. I felt hurt and expressed this to him. I remember him in a very sad but firm tone saying he cannot just take money from us. And look at that stubborness, they never took our help and had the surgery in that low grade hospital. Dh says offering help is all we can do, taking or not taking is their choice...so you don't feel sad for that.

Sometimes when my kids are extra naughty, they are not asked to stop even by grandparents. I have never restricted them when it comes to my kids. I feel they have equal rights as my parents too. But NO, they will not take that liberty. Somehow, I feel they are not able to accept me, even after seeing our happy married life for a decade now.
Is loving their son my fault, OR not embracing their religion OR not being born in their religion???

God! I need a place to vent out and thanks that I found this site.
I think I should stop here and be happy with what I have.....a blessed life till now.
Please tell me if I am wrong somewhere.

Sujimallige · Feb 17, 2010

Dear priya,

Mine is an arranged marriage,my in laws were the ones who liked me and came home with a proposal.We belong to the same religion,caste and even the sub caste.But even after all this I also have the same million dollar question "Will I ever belong to them".I am treated as the number 1 enemy and the treatment is so hostile from day 1.I really dont know the reason and how much ever i think i am clueless.
Sorry,just thought of sharing.Your post moved me a lot.
But same as you,i have a wonderful husband who stands by me always and takes care of me and more than anything loves me dearly.
So let us count our blessings and move on with our lives hoping that maybe some day..

suji

Priya35 · Feb 18, 2010

Thanks Lotus.

My parents were also clearly not happy with this marriage and on top of it, our wedding was according to their customs. My parents were very upset. They did not want to have according to our customs because they were angry I accepted it to happen their way first. We had a grand reception and my people squeezed in some customs/rituals in that just to keep themselves happy that we did it our way too.

After that dh was though not taken entirely as part of my family but anything important going on is informed to us and when there is an event dh is also allowed to participate freely. Actually, he takes part more actively in my birth family than his because they have kind of shut him off.
As a son in law, you know there is not much involvement in the wife's family so that way also he does not feel that grudge against him.

My parents kind of let go at least partially.....I can say seeing their behavior after my kids were born.

kainaath · Feb 18, 2010

hi priya....
im a muslim gal, and understand the situation u are in.
the problem is not with u being a hindu married to a muslim,but its ur pils who are narrow minded. i know how it workd in the muslim clan, the daugther in laws (dils) are are suppose to be more of a house maid than a member of the family. i guess ur co sil would be the same.
i dont understand as to why you so concerned abt not being accepted or belonging to pils?
remember u belong to ur husband who is so understanding towards u and ur children, helps and understands all ur problems and situations.
dont ruin what u already have in order to achieve things tat is a distant dream.
njoy ur life and your family.....
take care.

Priya35 · Feb 18, 2010

Suji, quite surprising that even though you are SAME EVERYTHING as your inlaws but they cannot accept you.
Good we have hubbies who love us too much.

At home, where I keep idols of gods, I kept a copy of their scriptures too. Not that I read them regularly but dh and I want to bring up kids in a way they tolerate both parents religions. Inlaws came (I can count on my fingers how many times they have been to our place) and saw this but still were not happy. When dh showed them how I put they asked him " Are you reading, or is it just to show us?"

Dh hardly read before marriage or even now. They know him very well but asked him that q? because I was around.