Why women are not comfortable with MILS?-a study report

mithila kannan · Aug 13, 2009

According to a news report from Melbourne[TOI dated August 11,2009]it is the age old power struggle that is behind MIL bashing.. According to Terri Apter,a psychologist and senior tutor in a college in UK, in his new book Wives are programmed to dislike their partners’ moms.Sometimes part of the problem is the conflict between the son and the mother which gets reflected in the relationship with the DIL.Apter has revealed after research that two thirds of women reported increase in stress levels as a result of friction with their MIL.Both MIL and DIL imagine that each was trying to undermine the other.Research reveals that this has more to do with female stereotypes rather than attitudes to attain supremacy in the household.As against 75% in the case of women 15% of men reported problems with their MILs.May be it may be similar to what happens in Rajinikant movie” Velaikaran”. The lower percentage in the case of males is because of better avoidance strategies by men.Quite often men diffuse the situation by telling motherinlaw jokes.

Women according to the study, cant keep a low profile particularly in respect of cooking,taking care of the babies,housekeeping etc.Her personal pride and esteem are involved in these activities and any interference or criticism can blow the fuse.DILs believe that MILs try to thrust their old fashioned ideas on them while MILs believe that DILs try to show off by rejecting time tested methods.

Let me give you a few case studies which will illustrate that the problems are really simple if only some one takes pains.to understand them..In a friend’s house , the problem can be simplified as”Salt and Tamarind” problem.If the proportion of these two ingredients in cooking was adjusted to suit the palate of the 80+ old lady, there was no problem.

My friend and his wife were called to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">USA</st1:country-region></st1lace> to help, as their DIL was expecting.This was their first visit to USA.After six months, they have returned, not all that happy with their stay. DIL complained about the deficiency in hygiene on the part of the old couple and interference by the MIL even in respect of the sleeping posture of the DIL and breast feeding of the child.MIL and FIL complained about the know all attitude of the DIL and excessive discussion on hygiene as after all the girl was brought up in kancheepuram, without public drainage system.After all the help and sitting cooped up at home in difficult weather, the old couple have not earned the gratitude of those who called them for help.A little understanding on both sides would have produced a much better relationship instead of spoiling the trip undertaken as a goodwill measure.

Old people[I am talking about middle class families] have raised their children under difficult circumstances.Zero wastage and reuse were their guiding principles in economizing their expenditure to enable provide good education to their children.An old lady used to open the fridge as soon as son and Dil left for office and found three days old curd in different cups,unused Amul butter packets,fruits of different vintage lying all over the fridge.When they all sat for dinner she used to loudly ask her DIL whether she could take the fruits lying in the fridge for a week..The son rushed to the fridge and took out all the items lying unused in the fridge.The ensuing melee was enough to create a rough weather at home.Why cant the DIL clear up the fridge periodically and ensure that nothing was wasted?.Why cant the MIL quietly call her DILand point out the wastage?Herein lies what perhaps what is referred to as the female stereotype.

Possessiveness on the part of the mother and not allowing a smooth transition of
Molly-coddling of the boy by his wife, results in heartburn.She takes it out in her own way at the appropriate time by referring to occasional indiscreet remarks,hygiene,secret talks with her daughters etc.This is what is perhaps meant by each trying to undermining the other.

Solution to the problem lies in patience,exercising restraint in choice of words and appreciation that every one has a role to play, will have a salutary influence in ensuring peace and tranquility at home.
POSTED BY LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

iyerviji · Aug 13, 2009

Dear LN Sir

I agree with what you have written. In some cases the mothers are very possessive of their sons which the daughter in laws dontlike it.
If mothers understand the dil's problems and adjust with them then life will be happy for both of them.

In modern world everything is different. Sometimes the mistake lies in the MIL and sometimes in the DIL. Some MILs are very understanding and adjust according to their DILs.

Modern couples want their children to be smart and their way of teaching them is different and sometimes they are very strict with their children which the grandparents are not able to bear when they see them shouting the children.

Some MILs try to find fault with whatever the DIL does. If they tell the DIl in a nice way she will also understand and give respect to what MIL says.

Sriniketan · Aug 13, 2009

Sir,
Thanks for sharing this news here, which is the 'ever-green' question, in everybody's mind.
Solution given at the end is very good, but the practicality lies in both the parties to implement it, right!

sriniketan

Jpatma · Aug 14, 2009

Sir,
This has been a perennial problem and you have given the solution too. I suppose the trend is changing a bit especially nowadays modern MIL prefers to stay away from DIL if possible and find it easier to keep the distance. I believe it is the acceptance of each other on "as it is" basis is important.A woman can accept a DH with different lifestyle but not able to accept MIL vice versa. The inbuilt fear for each other makes it worse. Nor friends and relatives makes it easy.(most often i notice friends tell horrid story of their MIL & make it appear that they were in concentration camp).
MILs too must remember not to impose their ideas (however good it may be) and let DIL run the show.
Sometimes i think if your relationship with DIL/MIL is not good because of previous birth unsolved issues between the two .
Jaya

BeeAmma · Aug 14, 2009

This is the age old indian problem. I have yet to see american women complain of their mils or vice versa. Do not know about other nationalities. The MIL- DIL squabble is a tradition in itself. Why do the girls mothers not have issues when they go to their daughters houses? Because 1. they are conditioned to let go of their daughters after marriage 2. both mother and daughter usually have a comfort zone so they are able to take libterties with each other. Now coming to the MIL-DIL dynamic the mils do not cut of the apron strings post marriage and they expected on the basis of tradition to be waited upon. On the dils part, we have the whole spectrum, absolutely subervient, to totally callous. You have all kind of permutation combinations. I think the problem is rooted in the social norms and expectations.

SriVidya75 · Aug 15, 2009

Solution to the problem lies in patience,exercising restraint in choice of words and appreciation that every one has a role to play, will have a salutary influence in ensuring peace and tranquility at home.

Wonderful words...infact every word is worth paying attention and live by..

DILs should understand where the inlaws are coming from (i.e their experience and family conditions), even if MIL tries to interfere I think by being more patient enough things will be solved (unless its an loud and abusive situation)

MILs have to understand that DIL is not a kid and she has her own way of handling things and let her do some trial and error and learn...because sometimes thats more fun and when the DILs err am sure they would come back to their MILs for help (as they already have seen how MILs were quite helpful in understanding DILs way of managing)

sln · Aug 15, 2009

Dear Viji,
Thanks for your FB.Patience is the biggest virtue in bridging a good relationship between MIL and DIL.Mil should understand the anxiety of the girl and DIL should give MIL time to hand over charge.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

sln · Aug 15, 2009

Dear Sriniketan,
This is an ever green question.Mutual respect and understanding of the space required by each will foster good relationship over a period of time.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

sln · Aug 15, 2009

Dear Jaya,
Aap bathayiye[unga ideavai solungo] is a good technique for ensuring a good relationship.Not imposing their methods and giving space for each other is a time tested mantra in such cases.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

sln · Aug 15, 2009

Dear BA,
What a beautiful analysis you have made-comfort zone is an important element in the relationship.Giving attention to every aspect that improves the comfort zone will be an excellent idea.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN