Why We Educate Ourselves

Dear hermitcrab,
Your parents have done their duty of providing you the education required to face the world and have got you married to a guy who they feel will make you happy. But if you are not happy then there should be some reason or dissatisfaction about your current situation.Are u unhappy that your parents made you study so much or unhappy to stay at home or unhappy with Dh? Instead of going negative about it.... why don't to try and find out the core problem and solutions which will make you happy.
Regards
Cliona

 

@hermitcrab
It is okay to feel the way you have described if you were independent earlier and SAHM role can be overwhelming. However, you see the education you received helps to identify the silver linings in the gloomy gray cloud. I am sure you will be able to figure out too. Believe in you, have a faith in you.

 

Nailed it! This is often discussed or used as a 'rant' between me and my sister. Why parents do what they do? Because they are clueless. We all are clueless someway or the other. Most people want to get accepted and run along with the system. Or do it because of societal and peer pressure. There are a lot of cultural influences to this issue too.
The options are changing however now. A few parents let their children choose their interests and careers. At-least I see a handful (including some in IL) who are willing to accept their children's choices in the future.

The motive behind your parents education could be many. But what did you gain from it?

I can think of many answers. My pick would be: education promotes lateral and divergent thinking. If you did not go through this process, will you still be asking these questions?
This came from education.

Buckle up! You can handle this!

 

Dear Hermitcrab, Blame it on Indian mentality. This is exactly what indians need to think about. You have questioned the very basic of Indian upbringing. In India we are taught to respect a person only if they are qualified. Firstly, an intelligent students parents are the most sought after people in the society. Secondly, in India an educated daughter is only a feather in the cap when they go hunting for a bridegroom within their caste. And all this just for having a secure life. I have seen so many educated families where their highly qualified daughters are paraded like cows in the bazar. Girls in India are never taught to take charge of their life or think independently. It is OK in India if the girl is milked for money by inlaws. Why cant Indian Parents understand that two people can get married just bcos they love each other.

 

Its basic right for everyone to get education. Your parents provided you what they thought was right at the point of time. They might have thought you could go and work being independent. This was 3 decades ago. Now You do not inculcate this to your daughters.
I do not see this is happening now a days. Sons and daughters are given equal education.
Yes for marriage education is one of the factor to get better match. I am not against it. As like they match kundalis , they are looking for compatibility in education also. how marriage works depends on spouses , education has nothing to do. Undecuated couples are also happy. But do not say that uneducated married woman is SAHM, they are working in some or other work to help the family running. We see our maids at home, helpers at office, vegetable sellers, flower sellers , they are uneducated but not SAHM.

If your SAHM , try to do a job and be independent . Its in your hands now.

If you had not studied anything can you tell what you had become.

 

Gone are the days where girls were taught to not to take charge of life. This was I can say 80's i,.e 3 decades ago.
Now parents are looking for grooms based on girl's wishes and likes of course within the limit. This is what I am observing in my relatives circle. If girls wants different than this, she has to take charge and fight for this. Nothing comes easy.

Not all love marriages are happy and vice versa, they have to work hard for the marriage to sustain.

 

I agree with most of what you say, @MNR However, girls are still being given mixed messages. They are first told they can be anything they want to be. Then once they are educated, they are pressurised to be "good" girls and get married so that the parents can happily say they've ticked all boxes ofwhat they are to do in the society. They are given a choice but it is so limited that it is more an illusion of choice. Once married, they are expected to bring pride to their FOO by "earning a good name" from husband and ILs. It's wrong to stand up for yourself. It's wrong to do your own thing. It's wrong to shun tradition. Suddenly they are told they are terrible by practical strangers because their rotis aren't round enough. It's very messed up.

I routinely tell my nubile cousins, to know their own minds. To figure out what they want from life instead of agreeing to get married at 22. I tell them age doesn't demand respect - they have to draw firm boundaries with others. Asking mean bullies to sod off fierce enough to keep them at bay is a skill they need to learn. Earning the name of a pleasant, traditional girl is NOT an achievement. Sure. They can be pleasant enough but not to meanies. (My 5 year old gets similar lectures and quite often I'm the meanie bearing the brunt of my own lessons.)

Boys in my family get a longer lecture about cutting off apron strings and manning up before they think of getting married. I'm not the most popular one with the older generation for supposedly corrupting these minds but I'm certain it must be done.

@hermitcrab we were academically brilliant. We weren't taught to be savvy enough to deal with the practicalities of life. That's a shame. However in this day and age, we can be what we want to be. (Pick up soft skills. Do courses. Pick up the passions from where we left them. Improve our self esteem. Work from home. Organise help. Stand up for ourselves.) We can encourage our daughters to do the same. We can teach our sons to be more respectful of women and not let them take us for granted as they probably see the older generation do. It is the empowered attitude we have that will help is sail through.

I gave my job up to be a SAHM - had my child quite late and all. I do miss the mental stimulation from work. I do feel frustrated at times about my life revolving around endlessly loading and unloading the dishwasher. However I do remember at those times to feel empowered. This was my choice. From being a subservient wife and DIL, I morphed into a fierce independent woman. I might not have much to show for my day in the bank but I try and nurse my mind, talents and hobbies now. It would take a large degree of adjustment and effort to go back to the workforce but in that time, I have shaped and moulded my child in her formative years. I take pride in that. I shamelessly boast to my husband if he is reticent with acknowledging my work...

I urge you to follow your passions whether it is lucrative or not. It will put you in a much better place.

 

MNR I disagree that the times have changed and that daughters are given free hand in taking decisions becos the parents think that it their right to everything. Agreed education has nothing to do with marriage then why insist on a highly educated/qualified girl.

 

Yeah not completely but this is progressing for good. This is in close family circle , our house and friend's circle.

The purpose of highly educated/qualified girl tag can be anything. If you see the cost of living now is high, If girl is educated, she can support financially if required , can take care of children in competitive world , also understanding.

If a girl wants to work, she has to put that as a priority in wish list.

This tag of higher education is not meant for girls only. for boys also. I can tell you in our family circle if a guy does not have a degree, it will be very difficult for him to get a bride.

Let's come to OP's problem,
If OP had that as a priority, she could have put that in front prospective groom, discussed and could have taken decision based on that.

Looks like OP has some problem in marriage and unable to work, she is putting blame just because she is educated ended up marrying her H. What if tables are turned, Her H is wonderful person and has everything in place allowed to work, she would not have put blame on her education right.

No one knows how the spouse would be , even in love marriages. Unfortunately she could not get the person of her liking. She has to work on the core problem