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Why the stars do you need to ask a question if you dont want an answer!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Spiderman1, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    My Dear Dear Dear Dearest Wife! Why!?:bang

    DW (smiling) comes and sits next to me

    Me smile back

    DW: Hey, shall we watch a movie, or do something else together.
    Me: All excited. Sure, sure why not? Great:cheers
    Getting ready to play movie etc..

    DW: Oh, quick thing before that. I wanted to talk about topic (exact topic detail not relevant to post here)...describes the thing, What do you think about it?

    Me: I see. Lets see. I go on and honestly and sincerely explain the pros, cons and what MY OPINION on that is.

    DW: *silence for a minute*<SILENCE>
    Then after silence,
    Well, I dont feel like watching the movie right now. I actually want to be passive and have some quiet time :bonk

    Me: What the <BLEEP>? You get me all interested, and just what happened? :rant

    DW: Well, I lost the "mood", so leave it.

    Me: :help

    DW: I think I'll just go sleep now.

    Me: :bonk


    Then lying all alone on the couch and logging on to Indus Ladies: Why the **** do you ask a question if you dont want an answer! :bang
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2010
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  2. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Even I do this Spidey...I will decide what the answer should be and then attack him with the question. When it doesn't match [Most of the times, he knows what I expect but he will give me a different answer which will irritate me], I will go silent. But he never gets irritated by my action. Instead he will enjoy my silence. At least that moment I maintain silence stoping my blah blah blah stories. :lol:

    I think this is coded in genes.....
     
  3. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    I think thats not what she did (Had an answer in mind, and wanted that out of me). I dont think this was that case. Or was it the case? Who knows yaar, these girls? *shaking my head*

    Way too sensitive some are, and I think she got that sensitive pang. I am usually very honest in explaining my stance on something but it can affect people if they are hyper-sensitive.

    In this case, I did try to answer carefully, but oh well, not enough to avoid triggering something I suppose!:hide:
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2010
  4. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Spiderman, I'm no relationship expert (more like a walking disaster), but I am a strongly opinionated person, and I also talk too much, as anyone who has read any of my posts will know. So, maybe this perspective can help you. I have had to LEARN to let other people have a say, instead of dominating conversations.

    It is possible, as you surmise, that your wife is more sensitive than you are. As such, she may need a little more time and space to express herself in the conversations you have. When she comes to you with a question like she did, it is possible she is not really interested in hearing your opinion right off the bat (even though she asked for it), but expressing something that's on her mind, or needing your help in thinking something through for herself.

    If this is the case, and instead of giving this to her, you immediately launch into a thorough 15-minute analysis of whatever topic she's raised, she may feel like you're not listening. I know, I know... if she wants an ear, why does she ask for a mouthful? Maybe it's just her way of easing into a conversation that is not really about what you think, but what she has to say.

    Now, depending on the kind of person she is, you could ask her (nicely!) in future, to be more specific about what she wants from you when she fixes her eye on you and asks that dreaded question, "Can we talk?". Or, if she is not the type to be as direct and self-aware as all that, you've got to steer the conversation safely to avoid falling over the cliff you describe in your post.

    The best thing to do when you suspect you're entering into a minefield is say something like, "Hmmm, that's an interesting question. What do you think?". That's a great test of the waters - if she snaps back, "I asked you for your opinion!", then by all means, go ahead and give a brief answer instead of an entire thesis.

    Then see where the conversation goes. If she is the one who needs to talk, you need to give her that space to marshall her thoughts and tell you what's on her mind. Be aware of non-verbal cues, tone of voice, emotional expressions, and all those other good things that tell us what a person really wants, and is thinking.

    Above all, remember that it is a conversation between spouses, not a presentation at work to get a promotion. Let her talk, too. Unless she's setting a trap for you and wants to know what you think so you can dig a hole for yourself. Then I have no help for you, my friend - you are cooked ;)
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2010
  5. Gooseberry

    Gooseberry Senior IL'ite

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    Spider, I don't know how relevant this is here but I used to hear my dad say that if someone asks you about your opinion on some topic, it simply means they want to tell their opinion and want you to give an ear to it. They really do not want you to express your honest opinion......:)

    As I read your post I remembered this. My dad had a good friend who would come to our house to meet dad. He was a good friend but really not a frequent visitor. Whenever he came dad sensed that he had something to tell so dad would just sit and listen. That man would pour out everything. He would go on and on talking, for an hour or two sometimes, with 2-3 cups of tea mom served and finally leave. Later, he would come with sweets and say
    "You advised me that day, and it really worked out well!, I am so happy to have a friend and well-wisher like you who gives me excellent suggestions".

    Spiderman, the truth is dad never suggested anything. All throughout the conversation dad's input would be Hmmmmm........, yeah, thats good, may be, right, right ,OK, fine..............:)

    And see that man thought dad actually sat down and advised him. All that dad did was to allow him to speak and he himself would come to a conclusion sorting out on his own through the course of his speaking out to dad.....:)
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2010
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Mithy, Ansuya and Gooseberry.
    It feels great when folks in IL care and take the time to help each other out.

    Ansuya is right - I talk a lot! My wife talks less (thats her nature). Based on Ansuya's suggestion, I had a chat with wifey this morning on what happened.

    She mentioned that neither did she want me to have an elaborate discussion nor did she want to talk about the topic a lot herself either last night. So, I asked her - why did you then ask me that question and solicit feedback? She said I just wanted to say I have concern about this topic, I just wanted to put it across - but I was tired (since it was end of the week), and so while I wanted to mention the topic, I neither wanted an elaborate discussion from you nor did I want to talk about it myself either. So the fact that she solicited my opinion was NOT really a solicitation/Question Hmmmmm!

    She said I misinterpreted it as she needed "immediate feedback" (she wanted to discuss later, and did NOT want immediate feedback) and I went on and on discussing pros/cons, alternatives etc. She was tired and it was going all over her head, and she could not assimilate what I'm saying.

    I said - Why couldn't you have gently interrupted me and said - I'm not able to listen right now, can we talk later?

    She said I was passionately explaining so she did not want to interrupt, but I could have "read her signals"...Arre yaar, I am not good at "reading all these signals" - the only signals I can read are the RED, YELLOW, GREEN at the Traffic Lights :) To me, if you say something I can understand better rather than "signal" me.:biglaugh

    So she did not interrupt, she let me go the whole gamut, and by the end of it she was tired, so she did not feel like doing the original activity :bonk of watching a movie or spending some "together time"

    HMMM....

    In future, we'll try to clarify whether she is seeking a discussion, or just wants to vent something, or just wants to "make a mention" of something but not discuss now etc...

    I think she herself does not know that too often :) which means I better start learning signals language.

    HEY - DO ANY OF YOU HAVE A WOMAN'S SIGNALS 101 TEXTBOOK?
    :hide:



    Again - Thank you Ansuya, Mithy and Gooseberry for cheering me up and giving me some tips.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    The good thing is we clarified it - at least for this instance on what happened - both of us are relieved of that, and we are fine now.

    But - I do want to understand better for the future. So, thread is still open :)
     
  8. Gooseberry

    Gooseberry Senior IL'ite

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    How many years is it you are married......spider?

    You say you cannot read signals but if it is long time since you are married then pretty much you guys must have gotten used to one another's moods by now......I think so. Right?

    I mean I can understand this situation for newly weds but in the course of time, over years, married couple tend to understand each other even without much words.....:)
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010
  9. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    We are married for several years, long enough where you'd think I'd have this worked out - but I need that signals 101 textbook :oops::oops::oops:
     
  10. Gooseberry

    Gooseberry Senior IL'ite

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    SORRY Spiderman......I think the best book is :bonk......hammer on your head daily twice.....morning and evening.!!!!!.........by your wife.
    I think I got to get in touch with your wife right away and gift her the hammer.....:biglaugh
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010

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