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Why should we forget our parents after marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sailoo81, Dec 3, 2007.

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  1. sailoo81

    sailoo81 New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am a new member to this site.
    Recently I was having an argument with my husband regarding this topic.
    He says that girls, after marriage shud not have any responsibility towards her parents.
    I feel his opinion is completely wrong, and was arguing with him, but in vain, he was not
    accepting this.

    I am married for 2 years, and my husband loves me so much, and takes care of me very well. I don't even have any problems with in-laws.
    But the only problem is that, my husband and in-laws think that I should not take the responsibility of my parents, which I feel is incorrect.

    I come from a middle-class family, and my parents suffered a lot in raising us(me and my brother).
    They gave us education in the best school and gave us all we wanted. And for that, they have sacrificed a lot
    in their life. Luckily, both me and my brother(younger) got jobs as soon as we finished our studies.
    And I got married as soon as I joined my job, and my brother also stays with me now.
    My brother sends most of his salary to my parents, as my parents have many loans with banks which needs to be cleared. I also want to send money to my parents, but my husband does not agree for it.
    Ofcourse, I send money to my parents without my husband's knowledge. He does not monitor my bank accounts.
    But I don't want to do this without his knowledge. I want to send money openly, but if I tell him, he will argue with me saying that girls should not have responsibility after marriage, and even parents should not expect anything from girls after marriage. My parents do not expect anything, but I feel it's my duty to help them.

    My husband is good and he loves me so much. Actually, it's not his mistake that he is thinking like this. He is brought up in such an environment. My husband has 2 sisters, both are married long back. You will be shocked to hear that my sis-in-law will not even call us. They give a missed call whenever they want to talk to us, and we only should call them back. My husband and in-laws tell that we should give to daughters, but do not expect anything from them. My in-laws go to their house only for functions, and that they do not stay more that a day or two with them. My parents come to stay with me twice a year, and stays for 15 days each time. My m-i-l used to tell that my parents should not come like that and stay with me, but my husband always supports me in that matter. So, now she stopped telling like that.

    My only problem with my husband is that he tells that I should not have any responsibility towards my parents. I tried telling him that my parents suffered a lot for raising us and all, but he does not listen to me. Whenever I have this argument with myhusband, I feel very sad.

    I can't tell this to anyone, so am posting my problem here. Hope to get some suggestions from other members of this group.

    -Sailu
     
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  2. rakshantha

    rakshantha New IL'ite

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    hi sailoo

    Read ur post and I could relate to u. Not only me but many of the ladies out here will feel the same. I somehow dont understand that why husbands have this idea towards the wives parents. They feel that once they have married a girl she should forget her parents and accept his parents as hers. But I would say that what u r doing is correct according to me. U c some people just dont understand. So u dont feel guilty about giving ur parents money without his knowledge. Its ur money and u r giving it ur parents. If u start arguiing with ur husband it will end a fight. SO no use fighting. Just be carefull thats all. I just hope and pray that the husbands who have such feelings should change.

    regards
    rakshantha
     
  3. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sailu,

    Sorry for saying this,your husband belongs to the last century.I too have a FIL who thinks like him but luckily,my husband does not support his dad's views.

    You cannot change his views since it seems to have been embedded in him,handed down over generations in his family.All this you have mentioned,my FIL told me after my marriage seven yrs back when I was working.I just took it thru' one ear and out thru' the other and continued helping/supporting my parents. Even today,I support my parents although I am not working and if someone tells me something about that,they will surely get to hear an earful from me.:queen

    Tell your husband clearly that you will support your parents,come what may.
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sailoo,

    I would say that both husband and wife are guilty of such attitudes. Wives do not like it if their spouses financially support their parents and husbands don't like it if their wives financially support their parents. This friction is caused because of too much attachment with money.

    Kavya.


     
  5. sailoo81

    sailoo81 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies!!!
    Dear Rakshanta, what you said is true. Many of us are suffering with this problem.
    I don't understand why these ppl behave like this. Our parents raised us the same way they are brought up. Then, why should we not share the responsibility towards our parents. I am not understanding how to change...Infact, I understood that I cannot change his opinion in this regard.
    Thanks for supporting me.

    Dear Sunitha, Thanks for understanding my feelings. Yes, I understood that I cannot change my husband. He is brought up in such an environment. My in-laws follow the same with their daughters also. And infact, my s-i-l's also follow them, they will always try to get something from my in-laws and us, but not even think to help my in-laws if they have any problem.
    You are really lucky to have a husband who understands you.

    Dear Kavya, what u said is also true. But I never object my husband sending money to his parents. Infact, my husband once in a while forgets to send money to his parents. Then I only remind him to send money to his parents. I have never differentiated between his parents and my parents. Because I have seen how my parents suffered in raising us. I know that it's our responsiblity tolook after them in their old age. So, I never object him in helping his parents.
    Infact, his parents are much closer to me than him, and they discuss each and every matter to me.

    - Sailu.
     
  6. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    hi Sailoo, My husb and i have similar disagreements. He comes from a very old fashioned family, where daughter leaves their own family completely after marriage. In today's world that doens't work anymore, but these people do not understand. my sil (husb sis) is so involved in her own family, yet when i do the same thing, i am bad, So now i just do the BEST i can, i realize i can;t please everyone even il's ALL the time. good luck!
     
  7. sailoo81

    sailoo81 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sashie,

    Thanks for your reply!
    I think many of us are suffering from the same problem.
    Even my husband has come from an old fashioned family. I'm not knowing how to make these ppl understand that the situation is completely different in today's world.
    My in-laws treat their daughters the same way. They never expect anything from them, nor they stay at their houses.
    Anyways, I'm doing the best I can do to my parents.
    Understood that we can't change these ppl, except hoping that these ppl change in future.

    -Sailu.
     
  8. rajirocks

    rajirocks New IL'ite

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    Hi Sailu,

    I would tell just one thing - Be Practical.

    Of course, it is not fair on your husband's part to say that a girl should forget her parents after marriage. But that view seems to be his negative point.

    It is better not to argue further on this matter with him (I am not saying you should accept his view) and just leave it at just that. Because I am sure your convictions are
    1. Support your parents
    2. Have a happy relationship with your husband

    If this point is the one that causes friction in your relationship just try to compromise by not arguing for I don't think it will change his mind, it may just become a sore point in your relationship. At the same time you could continue to help your parents, but be careful.

    And accept the fact that you've got many good things in lyour personal ife, along with a very few bad ones.
     
  9. rajirocks

    rajirocks New IL'ite

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    Sailu, One more thing. Just read the thread on 'Compromise Vs Conviction'. That thread was a part inspiration in writing this reply
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Moderator: Old thread revisited
     
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