Why Parents Gets Kids If Not Able To Manage Them

sanjuruby3 · Dec 30, 2020

I have been doing much better and avoiding to talk to my H and staying away ... but on/off things happen and i can not control myself from crying.

We had one kid and were kind of late but still we had another kid . We did not deserve it. My H is not able to change his habits and i feel my H was not able to take it from the beginning. I cried through whole pregnancy and fights and unsupported with our home like a bar, bottles everywhere, drinking/ TV with friend always over, older one always put in front of TV 3 hrs non stop.. and work and my ability to not able to stand. If I say 'no' to not being able to go anywhere to friends place etc, he will fight. I do not cook when his friends come, You never cook...
I see other men handling their family so well, family is priority. No matter how close others are, family is priority, always taking care of wife's needs first. Ok can not compare but this guy is useless and my older one stops us from fights.
He will go to market spend 500 $ right away on kids toys, and will decorate etc to show off but if kids needs milk or care ,he does not have any patience. Always his eyes and ears on phone 101%.
Now, our nanny refused and he took vacation, that i ll take care of kids. Does he ..no.
My role is still same as it was before he was on vacation.
Before morning starts, kids are in front of TV for full 2 hrs. Again at convenience, he will put them in front of TV. My 19 months old, sits in front of TV for 2 hr continuously.
I want to eat food peacefully ( with phone of course).., and i am working plus taking care of toddler but he wants to be downstairs. I leave him downstairs to play. I am going to put him in front of TV if you do not take him ...really.

My kids see that he is on phone all the time, while sleeping, when wake up, when in kitchen, when in toilet.
I cook with son in one hand or do laundary with him around pulling my leg or clothes out.. He does not even play with them. All he does is warm milk for them and give me to feed.
Time to feed him, he does not want it....i do not like him with that ugly face like constipated.
There are people i know not able to have kids or can not have another one....but this guy does not give any value.

Then he complains my room is always mess. No one comes to his room. My Son ofcourse throws everything on floor, i pick it up and again on floor. So he only sees things on floor. Does not see 100 times i picked those, and will fight. You never pick things from floor. Why do you come to my room
(Please do not preach me why we have different rooms. We started with 2nd kids and probably we will die like this now our relationship is at this stage. I do not long to be near him. Only for kids i am here)

I do not say anything to him when he shows off by spending $$$$ and be nice to outside people
or talks gaga about his family like they are king of old estate, as i know his reality. He plays very happily with other kids.
One day at friends house, i asked him to engage the little kids ( our toddler and friends ) because they were doing something. He was on phone again and friend's husband was yet to come home. Let them do what they want. Only if they cry, we should engage them.
What happens to spending time with kids or show them that father is not just for money.
I wish god will take away his ears which are anyways of no use at home. Is it too much too ask?
I

Hopikrishnan · Dec 30, 2020

Vasectomy. Although it wouldn't be as painful as you might want it to be, it isn't. However, it could still give you the pleasure of having done something FINAL. You have a lot of bargaining power to get him to do it, if not already done. Good luck.

Metamorphic · Dec 30, 2020

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

I wish god will take away his ears which are anyways of no use at home. Is it too much too ask?
Click to expand...

Wish something that benefits you coz sometimes ‘tathastu’ from above can surprise you... Guy without ears is more trouble & baggage ...

Needtobestrong · Dec 30, 2020

Feeling very sad to read your post...
Any way you can get a nanny? Since your husband is unreliable for child care...that 500 dollars can be spent on baby sitter rather than toys and unnecessary stuffs...
If daycares have opened and are safe pls consider..though the nanny option seems safer right now...
Will give you much needed sanity and peace of mind...
Pls don’t show your anger on kids, they are not responsible for your problems, you’re husband is...
You’re earning, cut down on other expenses and spend on hired help...
Much needed.

sanjuruby3 · Dec 31, 2020

I ask or tell him something.. 100 times. not even single response. Why..his ears are always plugged and conveniently ignores.
If I say something about women going on road, suddenly he will hear anything.
Few times, i tried same behaviour, ignoring him.. ( since its not my nature, it keeps bothering me...) but for him, i will keep asking him, he does not feel any compassion that i have been repeating myself about it..atleast have courtesy to acknowledge..say yes or no..or wait. My daughter is doing same now.

I remember that 'gulabi gang' movie of Madhuri Dixit. She is local women-run gangster and hates a villago rich men's boy who come from city and always have earphones even in some official meetings with her.
Ultimately when her patients runs out, and he does something untalkable, she cuts her ears. I feel same ..completely annoyed by his headsets.

Then his double attitude. His family in india does same.
His brother and brothers teenage son. Always on phone. 100% times. In india, H won't have that access to media/content, and moreover he wants to talk with family, parents. But brother/nephew are always there...its their home so they do not care, while we are on vacation. So he gets annoyed, how nephew is always on phone, does not lift his head up, or socialize. Hunnh.... . Chameleons are better than these men, atleast we know their nature.

Metamorphic · Dec 31, 2020

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

I ask or tell him something.. 100 times..... he does not feel any compassion that i have been repeating myself about it..atleast have courtesy to acknowledge..say yes or no..or wait.
Click to expand...

Have you tried silence @sanjuruby3 ?? I mean absolute silence..as if he is totally non-existent?

sanjuruby3 · Dec 31, 2020

yes all the time. Once in week we do that. then once we calm down, for 1-2 things will be normal and 5-6 day, cycle starts. My worry is my kids getting affected.

DDream · Dec 31, 2020

If he dont respond or pretend that he didn't hear, send the same ( one sentence at a time) to his phone( use whatsup so that you can see whether he checked it) . If he is using phone, he will definitely see it and can't deny it. He looks very self centered. He knows that you will do everything. So he is taking taking you for granted. If you can't manage hire nanny, if he resists ask him to take care if not go ahead with your plans.

GoneGirl · Dec 31, 2020

Please get a nanny, this would solve a lot of your day to day issues. ( I can’t stress this enough).

The bigger issues on hand are another story and may not be easy to solve, but at least this would leave you a bit rested and relaxed to think better. Working a full time job, taking care of two kids and all home chores singlehanded is not a joke. Take any help you can, even if it means having a nanny for a couple of hours everyday. It seems like asking your husband to chip in is not going to yield any response. I think your husband is desensitized to all your requests or fights, that he is not responding to you.. Give him a taste of his own medicine, hire a nanny,
Take a break, go to walks, order some food from outside and spend some quality time with your kids, don’t care about what he does or doesn’t do. You probably don’t need his help anyways, as you seem to be managing all by yourself.. with some extra help in hand you will realize that you can do it all and don’t need to constantly ask him to help out.

I have a nanny who helps out on all weekdays. She is careful as us in not socializing and avoiding unnecessary trips outside during this time.

Anbhu · Dec 31, 2020

Op good question. "Why Parents Gets Kids If Not Able To Manage Them". When ever I read your threads I do get a similar additional question too. "How a mother would not forsee what could be in store for her with this kind of husband and daughter if she has another kid". Even if it is to fix the attitude of the first kid, with this kind of non responsible taking husband you should have envisioned and validated if you were ready to manage all by yourself in case if your H don't help you. Please do not say he brainwashed you saying he will help you with taking care of both kids. People don't change overnight. Your inner conscience should have alerted you. So suck it up and try to manage with additional help for few years until they grow up little bit. If you could have had a supporting husband from the beginning, having second kid is ok. People in this forum advice ladies not to have even first kid when there are issues between couple until they solve to some extent. But you have a deep rooted issues with your husband's lazy, drinking, 24 hrs head phone, yelling at the kids, inviting friends attitude. So better you could have directed your energy and time on first kid to shape her.

Food for your though, you say your husband yell at your kids. Still your daughter is fond of your husband not you?
I personally think in this generation first kid's willing ness to accept a sibling is must to have a second kid, unless the first kid is very young to understand the concept of sibling. Thinking in our generation we fought with our siblings when we young but once we grew up we miss them may be correct for our generation. This post may not be of help for you, but may be an eye opener for those who are in your situation with one kid and thinking to plan for other.