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Why Not Heart Full Conversations...?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Dec 1, 2018.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    May be most of ladies gone through my situation. but just i am trying to check is there any tips which can solve my emotional pinches.

    I and my husband got married 7 yrs ago with formal arranged marriage. some how by that time i had my own reasons to marry him except love. but later days i started loving him. that point onwards my pinches of soul started. That is expectation( i knew, its very dangerous). Expecting romantic talk...expecting spending time...expecting as dancer partner....expecting as party mate...so on...but nothing got solved in reality.

    My husband is hard woking guy and will work with tension always, because he want to put his family and his life in safe mode always. I am happy for that. He had love on me. i am sure. but i am sure he is loving me because i am in his wife position but not because of its me.

    I hope ladies can understand the difference. Even though its not me, some one else in his wife position he will love, he will do his responsibility. finally a pakka designed indian husband who has brought up with values and responsibilities. Ok i am happy to have such protector.

    we have a toddler(5 yr) and an upcoming baby production going on in my tummy right now. All are these as per his life plans. i am just cooperating instead of resisting. I kept hold on my career for second kid project work. so now i had plenty of me time with big bump(7.5 month) which will not allow me to do any travels, and any other movement works. Since i am pregnant most of work is carried away by him. he is not allowing me to do take any of responsibilities. he is afraid of pre-delivery. because i am active girl, went on pre delivery for first time with my over activity.

    until now i diverted my mind a lot with job, freelance works so on...but some later night..my soul expecting some heartfull talks and spending time with my husband.
    But since he is busy , he always carrying with his own works all time. I can narrate his daily schedule...

    Mon-friday:
    7.30AM-9.30AM( get ready toddler for his school, dropping at school, journey to school in traffic. i am busy with making breakfast and snack for kid)
    9.30AM-10.30AM: exercise and getting ready for office
    10.30AM-9.30PM: office & journey together
    9.30PM- 10.30PM: spending with toddler(Not with me)
    10.30PM - 7.30AM: sleeping time along with kid(if he need sex, he will allot 15-20 min for me in between 10.30PM-11PM)

    Sat & Sun:
    10AM- 11AM: waking up and having lazy breakfast.
    11AM- 1PM: getting groceries, (not allowing for online shopping to save money)
    1PM-4PM: I should prepare some of his favorite veg/non veg item and he is spending with either TV/toodler.
    4PM-6PM: sleeping
    6PM-9PM: again movies time in TV/online. Spending with toddler again.going to temple..or barber shop
    9PM-11PM: news/dinner/TV

    most of weekend he is in REST(both body and mind. he is orthodox nature. so having some pooja works too at saturdays for every month)

    until 1 month ago i am too busy with freelance works. but my bump not allowing me to sit and hold laptop for long time. so i took break from 1 month. from that point onwards my impractical monkey soul started dominating on my practical mind .

    i requested him and even smoothly demanded 5 min personal spending time daily with me(with out TV, with out toddler, with out any other interruptions). but that 5 min time he is not getting/giving i don't know. but my soul want it desperately now(may be symptom of pregnancy mood swing). asking 5 min only not more than that to express love/to express my feelings/to express my tiny baby kicks on my belly/to discuss about my dream home/to discuss about my next career step(he is good mentor. since we both are in same IT felid)/ to discuss finance plans) heart fully

    we are living with his parents. so only our bed room is our privacy place. but now my kid not giving that privacy as well...on weekends. i tried lot of times to have 5-10 min spending time with my dear husband on weekend. but my husband shows laziness get out from TV /not intrested to have that 10 min personal time in bed room. even he comes very rarely immediately my toddler will run into room. i taught my kid lot of time about privacy rules. but since he is toddler he cares his needs only.

    seriously as a mother i shouldn't complaint, but true is my toddler is too much talkative. he is not allowing me and my husband to talk together at any moment. In car/ IN house/In temple/ In movie/ On bed/In hall. In walking...every where my kid is occupying my husband time. Its TRUE. he is not giving my husband time to me as well my husband also not trying to have personal time with me. Husband alo very intrest to have conversation with toddler but not with me.


    only during sex, he will praise my white skin and lusty talks. later after that 15 min, silent and sleepy. no more talks...no more conversations about other topics.

    Ladies am i wrong? how i can get 5 min of husband time to have heart full conversation which can satisfy my soul..which can get rid of my feelings burden? or am i need to make myself busy again to avoid my soul?
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    @Reesha
    That is Nicely expressed. Not many girls could do that.
    On a quick glance of the "new thread listings" I thought it was half full.
    [​IMG]Why Not Heart Full...
    Reesha posted 35 minutes ago

    When you feel like your life is empty of affection, or time for it, you can think of it like "half full" instead of "half empty".
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Who said marriages were perfect ? But Many women here would consider your husband to be perfect . He helps with the baby, groceries, is caring , responsible, intimacy seems fine etc etc. ( I could write more . The list is pretty long). Your glass is more than half full. Good luck with the pregnancy!
     
    silentlistener and GeetaKashyap like this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Count your blessings OP. You are so lucky to have a caring, loving and responsible husband. Many would love to have a dedicated husband like him. You are spoiling your happiness by thinking about the 1% missing. Be thankful for what you have and think how you can fill that 1% yourself instead of expectating him to take initiative.

    I can understand your need for emotional pampering during this time. Why you should wait for separate 5 minutes. Just do it. Sit near him, talk, touch hug, kiss and make him part of your journey through pregnancy whenever you get time or chance. Try to take your kid to sleep by 8.00 Pm. And find some time. Revisit your schedule and see if you can find time and space. Use whatever opportunity in your bed room.When one have kids, it's not that easy,. Let your kid be there, find ways to engage your kid and find time to talk to him.

    Try to understand his side too. He may be thinking that he doing in everything for you and kid. He may not understand the need to spend some extra time. As you are living with his parents, is it possible for you both to leave your kid and spend some time outside every weekend. Explore, suggest and incorporates whatever changes you want to do in a tactical way. Complaining and chasing him wont work very well. Be positive. When ever you feel sad think about what you have and be grateful. Things will improve for sure.

    Wishing you a happy pregnancy and delivery
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2018
  5. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @Reesha,

    You are married to a "good boy" who fulfills all his duties and earns all the Brownie points. He is a dream husband for most women struggling with irresponsible spouses, dealing with EMA, mamma's boys or even MCPs. When the basics are taken care of, he must either be satisfied with his work and wants to rest for the day or...he doesn't want to get into discussions with you that will surely upset his apple cart! When he perceives that the 'talk/time' with you will mean major changes from his side that may be uncomfortable to him, his parents or his plans, he will surely avoid it.

    If you have an amicable relationship with your mil, you may express your need to have some exclusive time with your hubby. Considering your current status, it may be easily fulfilled. Leave your child with them and go out with your hubby and spend some quality time with him. Avoid serious discussions. Let him be assured that spending time with you is harmless, stressfree and pleasurable. Once the basics are established, you may bring in your serious discussions into the picture. In this advanced stage of pregnancy focus more on having mental peace and physical well being.

    Living in a joint family setup has some advantages and also disadvantages. Advantages being shared responsibilities, guidance and help in child rearing etc. Disadvantages being rigid timetables, duties and responsibilities, lack of spontaneity in the expressions of love and freedom to do whatever or whenever you feel like doing anything and so on. Weigh your situation pragmatically. Prima facie, you seem to be in a good position so, try to tactfully push your agenda or implement your plans when the situation is conducive.

    All the best.
     
    Reesha likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to be blunt OP. But sometimes bitter medicines cure the most serious illness.
    You had your own reasons to marry him, and he must also had his own reasons for the same. But looks like both of you had entered into this wedlock for many reasons except love. Which I believe a very wrong thing to do.
    Entering into a life long committed relationship with someone you barely know without any love/emotions says it all.

    Now that, you have made up your mind, or something has sparked in you to fall for him. But there is no guarantee that your husband will feel the same spark or love to fall for you.
    For some couple, luckily they find their soul mate after marriage, but many lead a loveless, yet comfortable/peaceful marriage.
    Count on your blessings. For your decision to marry someone for the wrong reason, I would say you are one lucky woman. Because at least, you have a nice and responsible man as your husband.

    You can't force someone to love you. You can't force that spark and chemistry just like that. It has to happen naturally.
    Accept this, and focus on your life on something that you are blessed with. As someone said, instead of focusing on half empty, focus on half full. Good luck with your pregnancy.
     
  7. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- I do understand where you are coming from. We all need a connection intellectually and emotionally. However, some people , majority of them men, are not wired like that. Of course , there are some for whom you can tick that box too but let's not go into that. I liked the way @Amulet put it - a half full glass. And then as someone else pointed out, it's more than half full. It is indeed a more than half full glass. The schedule with the kids does get tight and more so with busy careers . Your husband doesn't seem to be a great talker but you can be the initiator and share your feelings . Don't feel bad if he is dismissive initially . Use a bit of reverse psychology . Reach out to him a bit every day . Whatever you are feeling at that moment . And then be mum some days .He might miss your conversation and come to you himself . He seems like a good man . I had read an article by a lady few years ago. Her husband wasn't much of a talker too. And she was a seeker of emotional intimacy. So she started calling him daily at his office at a fixed time , nothing long , just a short - what's up hubby? How's the day going so far ? Love you etc etc. She did this without fail for sometime . One day, she skipped the call . To her surprise, her
     
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  8. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Husband asked her why she didn't call as soon as he came back. He had been waiting for that call the entire day. Take a cue. Hugs !!
     
    satchitananda likes this.
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    She says she wants a husband who loves @Reesha, but instead she's got one who loves the mother of his children. A minutely nuanced requirement, but nonetheless a complaint.

    In arranged marriages, very good, nice boys, who are completely at a loss about romancing a girl, can still get married to a lusty, white-skinned one. And go on to a well-planned, comfortable life. If such boys are required to go out on their own, ask girls for dates, and go through the marriage proposal, meeting girl's parents etc..., and TALK to EVERYBODY to sell their case, they'd just give up on the whole thing, and remain unmarried. :cry::cry: Thank god for arranged marriages ! Such boys can be loving husbands, but the language of love they speak is very different.
    Thanks @Deborah for mentioning psychology.
    The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 book by Gary Chapman. It outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages": receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch.[2] Examples are given from his counseling practice, as well as questions to help determine one's own love languages.​
    The above excerpt is from the Wikipedia Entry.

    Let me not belabour the point, except to say that @Reesha 's dH is speaking in acts-of-service, accented with a couple of other languages (gift, touch), whereas Reesha is listening for words of affirmation.

    I am sure the book is still on sale. Likely a good reading while the baby kicks, and rearranges furniture in her room.
     
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  10. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    100% agree. The glass is more than three fourths full !
     
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