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Why My Husband Is Acting Like This .pl Help Me Which Is Spoiling My Happiness

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rose03, Dec 15, 2016.

  1. Rose03

    Rose03 Junior IL'ite

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    why my husband acts like this, my daughter went to india ( shes toddler). my husband was speaking everyday when the daughter was at his place since his mother cant take care , went to mom place he has not talk to my daughter for 10 to 15 days. i keep telling him she asks for daddy always whenever i speak to her he says ok.. in fact last time when i was doing Vchat with her he was at home she was calling daddy, when i said do u wanna talk , he has not freshen up he will talk later and we had fight later.

    whenever we flight he records my conversation.. i am quite short temper ( control untill the some point) i cant see his unfair things which he does always.. i shout at him.. to be honest initially he used to be very abusive , these days he knows i get shorttemper and i shout at him , he will reply very smoothly, later i got to kow that he records everytime. he records all the fights.. if i start recording , i did it once ( saying i will record ) his voice tone got changed and started crying saying "why are u spoiling my life" what an act..

    does it mean I am fool or being so innocent ...

    Pl. find my previous thread here I Am Loosing My Confidence And Everythign Since My Marriage

    his family never treated me his member ( as i have already discussed here in the past ) , in other-way they never treat their son in law or daughter in law ( though they come from affluent families) as their family member like they make a photo frame with out including their DIL ( they include only son and daughter) . when they make calls they have no sanskar of asking about DIL ( how is she) . i feel so bad about all these.. his sister gave a photo frame ( which includes his parents my daughter and him ) to him while traveling back from india. does not he get a though what my wife feels ( my wife , me and baby staying ) how does she feel ? should i take this photo along with me ? should i keep it in display cabinet in front ( that was quit big photo frame)

    after it was sent , for 3 days i kept quiet . finally he placed on display cabinet. i got angry and yelled at him . then was felling very bad called my mom . my mom also scolded me infront him if they dont respect , u have ur respect and if they ask u whenever they call thats ok are you not ok ? if they dont include u in photo frame . thats fine ignore it .. my husband recorded that conversation also silently..


    he always wish to secure and safeguard his family members. in fact when he says family even now he says my family and my wife ( am at the end always) . when he asks for girls things he says my sisters and my daughter ( wife is not in the picture at all ) why he behaves like that..

    I am more educated than him .. today he has made property and has got a name in the soceity just because of me. I am earning and working hard . i have to take care of the home , kid ( her education , teaching, taking her out) and my work . have no time for myself. he will out of town for 20 days. hardly 10 days a month he will be in town . 10 days he will be busy in his work ..
    when i ask him what responsibilities you are taking he says when come back from business trip i will see if there are any taps spoiled and try to handy man work.. is the husband only for handyman work ?
    i told him many times i am finindig it difficult to be alone and manage baby and her things and at home .. i feel like going out with u spend time with u .now i feel why people go for extra marital affairs.. understand .. he says u r having this problem because of ur job change the job ..he says he likes traveling .

    whomever i meet friends, they will pity on me, after marriage i am still young ( its been 4 yrs since i got married) , I am a software manager ambitious and charming girl. how can you leave alone , dont you get bored if ur husband keep traveling ..


    in fact till now i do not know his salary also .he lies.. he spends for his sister and her family they are all later 30's nearing to 40 and extended family members..

    i am in the need of affectionate and love ... i never had blissful marriage since the beginning .. for him his family is first we have educational differences.. i feel he is not matured enough to understand if say ( he is 6 yrs elder to me)

    pl suggest me any online counseling .
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    While you seek counselling i do think that not much change or improvement in your happiness is possible until there is joint marital counselling. I could advise you with cliched lines such as "your happiness is in your hands" etc and suggest tactful means to manage the neglect. But that is not a real solution. In order for either the situation to change or for you to come to terms with it and develop coping mechanisms you both would need to engage in active dialogue and listening (critical).

    You may initiate a conversation with him to talk at length about your grievances. If there is no empathy or meaningful exchanage from his side you could request him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor.

    Ultimately ppl change only when they have to or want to change. You need to assess how much you can put up with this. Women in such situations, depending on their tolerance levels, either consider giving the man an ultimatum or if the stakes are high, learn to navigate such situatons by accepting what cannot be changed in the interest of the larger good.

    If you choose the 2nd option, You could consider simple tactical options that will reduce your pain. Can you put away such photos out of sight ? Maybe do less for him and go less out of your way to do things for him. Reduce your visits & interactions with your inlaws place or anybody for that matter who hurt your feelings. Just focus on doing what makes you happy. Dont fight with him or force him when he isnt the kind of parent you want him to be because you only seem to be losing your peace of mind. He isnt a great husband..accept it. Pick your battles so that you will have less tension to deal with. At the very minimum if he is responsible when he is with the child & stays involved in the child's life overall, try to obsess less if he isnt as affectionate with the child as you would like him to be.

    In summary I suggest having an open conversation with him, get a dialogue going. And at the same time adopt some practical measures to reduce your disappointments. Some people pay attention to a problem when their partner talks to them about it. Others realize only when there is some change in the partner's interaction with them i.e there is a change in the relationship dynamic as a result of the partner's actions to cope with the issue (note - not fighting or crying). Try both options either together or seperately.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2016
  3. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @Rose03 ..sending hugs and love to you.You are not alone, I can relate your situation .my partner used to keep quite whenever I talk to him or ask him something .finally I used to loose my temper then I start shouting end of the conversation ,I am "short tempered" ,"angry"etc etc .

    When we are in angry mood we can't control our emotions and we miss the point what we are suppose to discuss .

    You cannot change people you can change only you.This is some of the steps I have taken in such scenario .
    1)Whenever I realised I am sad I write diary (which is password protected app) I write all my feelings let it be sad or angryness .I feel much relaxed then.
    2)Then I deviate myself from the situation.i watch a comedy show or something.
    3)Once I have peace of mind I talk to him. I keep my self 10 minutes to talk and " to the point" .
    If we keep on blabbering they consider like here "she goes again"!!! Slowly he started listening to what I am saying .

    Your husband is recording all your fight .which means it can be used against you as a proof.

    Is it possible to get any of your parents here to your place and keep baby with you?.
    Make yourself financially strong so you can take your own decisions if needed.
     
  4. songbird46

    songbird46 Gold IL'ite

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    "whenever we flight he records my conversation.. i am quite short temper ( control untill the some point) i cant see his unfair things which he does always.. i shout at him.. to be honest initially he used to be very abusive , these days he knows i get shorttemper and i shout at him , he will reply very smoothly, later i got to kow that he records everytime. he records all the fights.. if i start recording , i did it once ( saying i will record ) his voice tone got changed and started crying saying "why are u spoiling my life" what an act.. "
    OP, this a huge red flag. Be alert. He's going to use your conversations against you. This is not normal in husband-wife conversations. When you threaten to record him he pretends he is the weak one. He excludes you from everything - this is not a good sign. Don't be naive anymore, don't be fooled by anything. Don't threaten him, calm yourself and find ways to safeguard yourself. Shouting at him won't change things. Be smarter.
     
    coolgal123 and madras2018 like this.
  5. Rose03

    Rose03 Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks girls for your responses. Its been more than a week ww both stay in home my daughter away to india for a vacatiom yet we both did not speak to each other . In fact i tried speaking as i feeling very lonely .after they are men who has large ego and mentally strrong.
    Then i realized by nature am very sensitive and talktive . Never experienced this in my life like not talking to people at home.
    Yes this makes the girl stronger.. started reading books gaining confidence soon i blossom and blossom...
     
  6. Rose03

    Rose03 Junior IL'ite

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    Yes he has the habbit of pretending to ppl that he is very gud guy. I was one such fool beleived that and got married.he recorded every time for the last years and keeps checking my mobile and email (by hacking .) To check if there any msgs sent to my sibblings avout him and his family. I wonder he should have used this tricks in his work to climb up in his career ladder .

    Never mind. Cant change the past . Only thing in our is present .. lets be strong.
     
  7. SRK123

    SRK123 Silver IL'ite

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    is he planning anything ? why is he recording conversations? thats completely looks very dangerous to me..
     
  8. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    why he keeps on recording everything?? do you know the reason???
     
  9. Vaniquest

    Vaniquest Silver IL'ite

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    OP,

    • If he is not willing to speak with your daughter when she stays at your parents home, let go. Don't fight and nag. Father and daughter bonding is not going to crash because of this.
    • Why is he recording conversation and why do you allow it? Anyway you need to control your temper not just for him but for your own goodness. Read anger management books and find few techniques that can work for you. Your temper issue needs to be taken care of.
    • Let the photo frame incident go. Don't make your life miserable because someone not chose to include you in a tiny frame. It doesn't deserve your attention. You need to develop thick skin to handle issues with in-laws.
    • Why can't you go out and enjoy life by yourself. The more you ask your DH to spend time with you, the more he is going to ignore you. Drop the expectations, take your bag and go out. And don't take your friends pity seriously.
    • Why he is not disclosing his salary? Is he afraid that you won't let him to spend for his family? You have the right to know. Also don't interfere in what he does with his family as long as it is unreasonable.
    • Finally from your post, it looks like your DH lacks trust (not disclosing salary, recording.. Etc) on you. Try to see why it is.
     
  10. athma

    athma Senior IL'ite

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    omg.. i too experienced the same and still experiencing sometimes. As others said, dont raise ur voice. He acts smart. If u can find out he s acting, then outsiders too can find out. so he cant act good to everyone for every time. he has inferiority complex. Dont threaten him.
    Cant you get ur family support. He s so so insecure. he feels safe and protected only by his family.

    You cant change his days of stay . Only he needs to wish to stay. He use that as ur weakness or escapism. Does not look committed. There is no way to control. His family brought him up as emotionally closed off. Even if you try to speak with his friends, hope he would just nod his head to friends as good boy and continue to do the same to you.
    Even if u bring him to councilor, he ll act like he s a good boy and u r abusing him, but u can try. He looks like difficult person.

    What you can do is,
    1. Lessen ur anger. Will n ot help you.
    2. Speak wisely. Firm and bold.
    3. Secure ur finance and dont accept any abuse physical or emotional.
    4. Just try to be submissive (like u know everything dear, u give good suggestion dear etc) to get the pulse.

    You cant be so open dear towards these type of persons. You just need a pattern to handle this person. so You should do few changes within you on trial and error basis.
    Try and the transformation will be really good for you and your family.
     

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