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Why in-laws want to act like parents for our babies?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ottawagirl, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. ottawagirl

    ottawagirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    I will be having a baby this year..my in-laws from the first, they are expecting me to back off from being the 'mom'...they keep emphasizing on how they can take the kid away to India for 6 mons every year until she goes to school and they come here for 6 mons to take care of the kid..I am talking about the when the kid is born and she is couple of months old..They are also suggesting that if needed, they can put my kid through the school and take care in India and we can visit them when we want..I don't know what they are trying to pull..they have told this for more than 2-3 times, it hurts me..
    Everytime they say leave everything to me, u do ur office work and we will do this..Not once, I said my office work is important than my new born baby..For instance: they are planning on coming to my BIL's place and then to our place for couple of months..then they are planning on going back to my BIL's place so they can do sightseeing..from there to india for the 1st year bday..they saying when we go to BIL's place, we will take the kid along..they keep saying they don't need to take care of the baby and they will do everything..first of all, this is a lady who cannot let go of her 30yr old son..and during our wedding night, she wouldn't get up from the bed to let me in the room..she wanted alone time with my hubby on our wedding night and she cries everytime like crazy when she parts her kids in the airport..how come they talk about taking a baby frm its mother?
    And second of all, I had a rought past..never grew up under the shade of my parents as both were working and had other personal issues at that time..of course, my mom had wonderful in-laws too! I grew up with my aunts, uncles and my mom's parents. So I know personally how a kid would miss her mother/father and I am becoming insecure now that these people are trying to take my kid away from me..Because of my personal experience and what me and my mom went through..I am getting more affected by their talks...
    Everytime they say something like this, my DH laughs and lets it go..he doesn't let me talk as it would erupt to a fight..but seriuosly ladies, I have seen this lady before..she wants to take everyone else's role..in my wedding, she tried to interfere and do the customs which my mom was supposed to do..I think it's going to piss me off if she and FIL acts like parents and try this out on me..Still they are pissed about the fact that I have specified that my mom needs to be here for Delivery and I got a very sincere question from them asking what if something happens to your mom as she is not a very healthy person? This boils me up and hurts me bad..anyways ladies, let me know if you have in-laws who wants to steal away ur baby and ur parenting activity away from you..and just thoughts on how you handled them when they are right next to you getting on your nerves..I know I ranted a loooott..but didn't know where else to pour out these things..:drowning
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Say, NO. That's all there is to it. Like this...

    "Thanks, but I want to take care of the baby myself. I don't want him leaving me to go to India for 6 months, and when you guys are here, just relax and leave the 'mommy stuff' to me. He'll just be a small baby and he needs to be with mom. That's what me and '(insert hubby's name)' want and have decided on. But thanks anyways!"

    If your mil asks again, just say NO THANKS THATS NOT WHAT WE WANT!
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    OP, play the cards right, dont start with a " NO" on face if some one suggest, that is always possible.

    Try to see if there is any one in DH family who is senior other than his mom, however the way you describe she is intruding a lot, on bed talking to son on wedding night too much.....

    If you have some confidence then bring your White Knight, so that you are not alone v.s the gang of DH family, you will not win, even if they let baby live with you , they will cause other problems, if your DH is not siding you its going to become very tough and you will have no option but to divorce him, if he is bent upon taking the baby to India, is it because you can work and bring in Money ,otherwise you will have to resign since baby care is not easy and some people dont want day care for some years or never?
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    ottawagirl,

    Just give a ultimate to your husband that no matter what you are not sending your kid to india.If you can't manage then you will take break from your work.
    Guys ,at this point they are not really attached to new born and they will have no knowledge what baby really means.Once the baby born they will start attach to the new born.So don't worry at this point now but do tell your husband about it.When really start talking in your house be blunt.

    Does your BIL has kids?What is there situation?
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    How can they take the baby from mother, I dont want to generalise but just my observation, I have seen in South Indians esp AP people they will have their small kids go to India so that wifey can work, I have a neighbor from AP, who has 2 kids, one kid is 2 years old and baby 6 months old, his wife went to India after her mom visited her in US and now the wifey is coming back just with 2 year old and the baby will live at her mom place(the wifey does not work though, as she cant on h4)

    There are two more cases from AP I have known in close circles.

    A year back my mother was travelling to India , she met a old lady beside with a small baby in her hand, she asked who she is, she said its my daughters baby , they dont have time in US, they both work , so I am taking her with me to India....she was 3 months old baby. The parents did not even bother to take baby to India with them.

     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  6. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    my mother-in-law said the same thing when my son was born last year ... I'll take him to India and raise him to be the most wonderful human being in the world just like his father. I would get irritated and my dh would just laugh it off. i told her so many times he is my son and I will raise him but she continued to say it. finally she mentioned it in front of a guest that she wanted to take my son to india. I told her (in front of the guest) "well your daughter left her daughter at your house and you send her back because you said you could not take care of her. what makes you think you can take care of my son?" she was shell-shocked and stuttered and stammered and started coming up with excuses why she could take care of my son and not her daughters's daughter. but after that she neven mentioned wanting to take my son again ;-)
     
  7. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

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    Tell her to back off with her drama. And next time she talks such BS over the phone put it on speaker and later tell your hubby how it hurts you. Tell him, how would he feel if your parents say that they will take his baby away with them.

    Its good your Mom is going to be there for your delivery. Don't get upset by your stupid MIL saying silly things for your Mom. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy and delivery and enjoy your time with baby and hubby as a family so that he bonds well with the newborn.

    If they tell you that you just do your job and they will care for the baby, tell them you have already decided to resign for 2 years and don't want to work while your baby is young. And if required do resign and take a break to stop them from giving you any nonsense.

    You did not mention how your hubby takes his interfering Mom. If he does not support you stop looking for his support and take everything in your hands on how to deal with MIL. IF he is supportive, don't worry, he will not let his Mom cross the limits.

    Take good care.
     
  8. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dont worry things will change when you deliver baby. My MIL/Mom said the same thing they said once the baby is born they will take turn and take care of him. When I went to India last time I ended up doing all feeding/bathing all work for my son as they didnt have any energy to take care of him. They will say they will take care of him but even for diaper change they will call me. wait and see .
    with kids they need a lot of energy even we young people dont have that energy
     
  9. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Be firm and say a polite "NO", no point in torturing yourself. A baby belongs to his mother and with no one else, period. Tell you MIL that the baby needs to be with his mother and you are capable to take care of the kid. Start saying "No" politely and firmly every time she talks about taking the kid back. The more "NO"s she will hear, she will eventually get the idea that baby will stay with you.
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know weather it's just a trend in AP and not in other places, because I don't know any families from north.
    I beleive most of the times,men doesn't contribute enough to support wife and new born.That's women tend to feel this way sending new born to india becuase parents offer it.
    My husband changed lot now but when my elder daugther born,he used to call people every week end and he was not caring either for me nor for new born.That time ,I didn't even know how to handle the situation also.
    If the wife is not even working then it clearly shows she doens't have enough support from her husband.To raise small kids here we really need 4 hands.2 hands won't be enough even the women is house wife.So mostly people don't get other 2 hands.
     

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