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Why I Believe That Grand Parents Aren't Baby Sitters?

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Myliltwincesses, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I think grandparents need to be a little understanding too...they can gently make it clear if not ready to commit to child care either if they are not ready or of they have health issues making them unable to do so...and grandparents wanting to enjoy retired life should make it equally enjoyable for their sons and DILs and let them live their life as they please...many of my relatives want to enjoy post retirement life, so live separately from their married children..visiting them occasionally. Available for help for emergencies...so children in turn have their privacy and freedom to have their choice of lifestyle and make their own arrangements for child care...its really tough for DILs living in joint family under same roof with in laws wanting to enjoy post retirement life.. I.e cooking 3 fresh meals a day for them, managing child along with chores on their own without help and no privacy as well...doing seva for them along with demands of parenting.. if grand parents dont want to offer support they also shouldn't burden married children too much financially to send them money because either DIL is a home maker so single income...else if DIL working they are already paying heavily out of their pocket for daycare and nanny expenses...they cannot take unlimited leaves everytime in laws fall sick as they need leaves to take care of kid...certain things they need to take learn to take care of themselves and also call upon married children only for emergencies...and be non interfering in the parenting styles followed by their children increasing grand kids and avoid criticism and offer advice when required...
     
  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with you @Myliltwincesses. This is what I believe in and why I took a break in my career when I had kids.
    Most parents in the western world manage their kids on their own. All my non Indian friends have had their parents helping them only for a week once the baby was born and then the new parents are on their own. If they can do it , some of us should be able to manage as well. Of course, it needs a financially and emotionally supportive spouse. In the Indian context , a supportive spouse is a big luxury. So it would not be right on my part to judge parents that need help from grandparents.
     
  3. Myliltwincesses

    Myliltwincesses Silver IL'ite

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    You are right.. They should be willing and should not feel that it's difficult taking care of kids...
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  4. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    The only difference between human beings and other animals , birds....especially in our culture is to take care of the parents whey they become old.But slowly when both the young couples are engaged in materialistic pursuits, even taking care of children is a question mark, expecting already tired older gen.,resorting to nannies, creches etc.what to speak of caring for the older people, who after spending time and energy to bring up children, become weak and drained mentally (though deceptively looking healthy)? Of course when they are around they can help out with whatever they can do, to contribute to the running of the house.
     
  5. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    Why kids are only parent's responsibility when son and DIL stay with their in-laws? To me Young parents can be made responsible for everything to their kids if they live in neutral family. Otherwise the senior GPs living with them should pitchin as and when needed to support their son&Dil or daughter&Dil,(though not financially atleast in childcare and other chores) who in turn are supporting them.

    As for OP, you can create a thread asking for do and don't to raise twins without much help from elder parents. Experienced parents may provide suggestion. Hope that helps you.
    We cannot force someone who are not willing to help us and off course no Dil will expect very aged in-laws or sick in-laws to babysit their kids. What if both get sick, it becomes a double trouble and all blame on the Dil who asked for help. You know your husband and in-laws best, decide accordingly
     
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:I have a different take on the views heretofore.

    2. Information and certain established healthy practises, handed down from ages through grand parents to their grand children at their impressionable age which left them with indelible imprints. Generation to generation grand children nurtured to many good habits at a young age stood instrumental in their later years for bringing out outstanding achievements.

    3. Majority of grand parents like mothers are tending to their grand children out of their pure love and involuntary in nature.

    4. But I could be wrong with this view in the context of modern world where upbringing sought to be done to suit the material prosperity in later years.

    Thanks and Regards.

    GOD- if matha pitha are Guru Deivam then matha pithas’ parents be GURU DEIVAM.
     
    Myliltwincesses likes this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I totally agree with this, and accept your entire post in general. Just that, I have my own observations here, and this opinion is just mine and not intended to hurt anyone.

    1. Raising kids should be the responsibility of the parents, not just the mothers alone.
    2. In joint families or any other set-ups where parents are no longer a guests, but a part of the family, the entire responsibility of the household falls on all. Perhaps on the proportionate basis. So, the willing grandparent(s) who stay with their children may want to lend their shoulder to help with grand kids. Not a crime.
    3. Both parents and PILs are grand-parents to the kids. Either side of the elders could take up this care-taker role depending on their willingness.
    4. There are grand parents who genuinely wanted to look after their grand kids. Giving them needful support (eg: a maid, a nanny etc for kid's work) could ease their work and mind.
    3. It should be (just like anything else) a win-win for both.

    For instance:-
    I am the primary bread winner, so taking a break from my career to look after the kids (like many mothers do), could cause severe damage to our family.
    Though house husband sounds a great term for the west, it is yet to be a popular term here in Asia. So, expecting my H to stay at home to look after the kids (unless he is willing) isn't gonna help my marriage or family.
    Reliable day cares or nannies or a reliable security system to follow up/monitor with the nannies while leaving young kids is still a nightmare in some parts of the world. We can't blindly apply western ideologies everywhere.
    So, the only dependable option for many working mothers like me, is to rely on elderly family members' help with their young kids.

    Unlike in the west, many elders (widowed parents, single elderly people) in our society yearn to spend their times with children and grand children. Even many researches show that grand parents tend to live long, with minimal health complications if they spend quality time with their children and grand children.

    Though my PILs love their grand-kids, they are very much occupied with their day to day lives and chores. So, expecting them to leave everything behind to look after our kids may not work.

    On the other hand, my widowed mom loves to spend her times with her grand kids. She is more concerned about their physical and emotional well being, and has a big heart to extend her hands to help them.

    Like, many young parents I & H too feel immense relief by knowing our kids are in the most safest hands when my mother moved in with us.

    A few $ from our pocket is making this journey a win-win for both.
    Yes, hiring helps such as a nanny or baby sitter or a maid to look after the kids and home, while letting the elderly grand parent in charge of the kid would make it perfect for all.
    No tension on the kid's physical and emotional well being for the parents. Needless to take any risks with the kids.
    No tension or physical work for the elderly grand parents. Needless to lose on their time or energy with young kids.

    As they say it takes a village to raise kids, at least I practice the same.
    I & my H, together with both sets of grand parents, my mother's brother, a couple of old/reliable neighbors, a domestic helper, a driver, a home-teacher, and my co-sis on a daily basis involve in raising those extremely lucky 2 kids of ours.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
  8. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    "Why kids are only parent's responsibility when son and DIL stay with their in-laws? "...
    .Only and only parents are responsible, since dils, more so if they are educated more and has a job too....these days don't trust the capabilities of the elders in everything, esp. in child rearing. And if they are possessive they don't like the g.kids getting too close to the g.parents.Under such circumstances g.parents are in a dilemma as to how far they can go/do, but to do whatever dil expects...so where does the question of responsibility come?
     
  9. Myliltwincesses

    Myliltwincesses Silver IL'ite

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    I accept kids are only parents responsibility..

    But,S grandparents and elders judge or blame young moms for everything..They have their own thoughts regarding child care and they compel DILs to fully follow them.
    At times, it's complete opposite to what a paediatrician says..This results in arguments and misunderstandings..
    I feel it's unfair to blame DILs for everything..I am sorry, but I have to write this - When are we going to stop saying that as DILs are educated and have jobs, they go against Grandparents?? It seems to be so opinionated.
    As a parent, she has full rights on baby care..Methods differ from grandparents and young moms.. It's better not to compel anything.
    A grandparent had already crossed the journey in which they are parents..So, it's good if they allow next generation also to be parents.No one can be a perfect parent..But, as time passes, they learn..
     
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  10. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    'When are we going to stop saying that as DILs are educated and have jobs, they go against Grandparents?? It seems to be so opinionated.' Yes this is my opinion formed seeing the situations all around and going by what you have written, many seem to be having it.All said and done giving respect to age and experience and understanding youngsters and getting along with them amicably has gone down so much both ways.
     
    sindmani and Myliltwincesses like this.

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