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Why Girl Career Is Always Secondary?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Oct 22, 2021.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ladies, i am hear to vent my feelings.

    last week i & my husband planned for road trip around 1800+ KM together in car for 1 week. We are having enough breaks & stays in middle as part of trip we covered my moms house & some of husband relatives and beaches. Kids enjoyed beaches & rides in an amusement park. Everything went well. Trip includes kids. So obviously kids got sick after returning from that long trip.

    Now my husband showing irritation on me like i am not caring much about immunity of kids, that why they became sick....i am like what sucks, its life after very long trip its usual kids will get tired & sick. thats very normal. on top of it weather changes also reason. He always sayig my earning is lower important than every ones health....that mean if any one got sick at family with their own reasons, i should be the reason because i am not caring their immunity. even himself as well... everything finally it relates to my career this is ine end

    other end...My brother is unemployed for last 2 months...he is busy with job search & staying in my house. literally i holded him in my house because my educated parents are having very illiterate emotions. they put lot of pressure on my brother for being unemployment..for earning low salary so on...finally what they want is not his happiness, HIS JOB, EARNING IS TOTALLY RELATED TO THEIR PRESTAGIOUS ISSUE AMONG THEIR COLLEGUES. My father had retirement after 3months. he is very depressive because my brother is unemployed & still he is not get selected from 2 months...He said, he may not celebrate his retirement function if my brother dont get employment by that time.....again it sucks me...i am earning best salary...

    if my brother career failure is reason to stop his function, why not my career success not to be reason for celebrate function...Because i am married, now, my success is not part of my father , again my career is secondary. He openly saying again even after my 10+ yr of career...still my job is optional even though i am earning triple salary then my brother. His salary is always important & life matter to him,Even my mother says same....

    No one is around me to feel happy about my career & success in those. every one will utilize, enjoy my salary flavors, luxury so on...but still mine is not much important & no need of respect & optional.
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I fully agree with you, H, parents, relatives, in-laws all acting as if woman's career not existing in anybody's life and it doesn't matter for them but using the benefits of educated, well-informed person around them and her earnings.

    They may not care about your career but it matters to all women. We learn, get inspired from each others experiences every day looking/listening to each other both career wise and personally how a woman managing all fronts. I am always grateful for who have done it all and we doing.
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    unfortunately, this maybe true in most double income households these days, Reesha. Earlier, women were home makers. Now we have broken barriers and have started equally contributing to the income of the household, to companies and to society in general. Yet, we still have to justify our need to work or to stay home. And those who have satisfying careers are still made to feel like it’s not a part of them but rather an option. On the flip side, a man finding gainful employment is mandatory. Like in your brother’s example. I feel that men who cannot for whatever reason don’t have it easy either.

    It’s so hard when your own parents don’t encourage you or take pride in your achievements. I think we need to start appreciating other women in our lives. I’ve realized that complimenting my girl friends for small things they’ve achieved has put a smile on their face. All we can do is find our tribe and hold each other up. I hope you have other people around you who build you up. Good luck and great job on the career successes. Hope many more comes your way.
     
  4. maalti

    maalti Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, life is full of challenges especially so for working women. We are looked down by our own kith and kin. It begins even before the child is born. Refer my blog The other side which explains the problems we face. Even in work front, women are not considered equal and are treated in a very nasty way. If we perform better, they somehow manage to spoil our name. I have never liked the bad jokes on working women especially on lady stenos and typists and the way they are projected in movies. But we should never give up. We should never be affected by the attitude of our family members because that's what they want. They just cannot tolerate our superiority in anything. Keep rocking.
    Regards
     
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  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Indian society is patriarchal, all perceive women as caregivers nurturers, no one thinks woman needs herself to nurture grown herself, most of the time married woman with kids are being asked "how are you managing, your mom/mil helps that's why you can work, your mom lives close by, your husband knows cooking, your dad picks kids " etc endless...
    No one thinks about the woman who gets by early just to get things done & most of the time she is healing her "INNER CHILD " which got smashed by the society.
    We are happy for you, you are working getting paid, it doesn't matter howmuch.
    Your earnings are from blood & sweat take pride.
    (Happened in mnc)
    Numerous times I have been demotived by male coworkers they called me aggressive, selfish only because I chose to work in a challenging technology while I was pregnant they openly told me your spoiling health, any way you'll go on maternity break you won't get promoted etc.
    But my American female coworker nominated me for employee of the year. Don't care about parents, brother they all disown us only your education job career money will be with you. Your kids will respect you who you are. Hugs
     
  6. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    Simple. A girl without a job will get married to a man in a job, vice versa never happen in our society
    So is this treatment. A woman can take a break citing maternity and childcare, allowing her husband to work. Vice versa never happen in our society. Even the wife wouldn't want her husband to stay at home for childcare. So is this difference.

    There is a strong expectation from the girls side before and after marriage that boy/husband should earn more than them or atleast earn a decent salary.

    It sounds sensible to avoid any celebration when someone is recovering from illness (your mother )and a child is unemployed.

    I am surprised how could a daughter feel this way at this point of time.

    Somewhere down in my heart, I feel this is only reel.
    Continue killing your boredom....
    Bye..
     
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  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel that our society is just judgemental towards women in general.

    When women work, people say their contribution doesn't matter- what matters is cooking and child care. But when a woman does cooking and childcare sincerely, she is reminded that she is a free loader who is not earning.

    The main issue is patriarchal society and how to make a woman feel inferior and useless no matter what.
    Second is the issue of unpaid work, women's contribution in childcare and cooking is so important, but it is not counted as work at alL And there is a link to the paid work , due to this link- it translates to glass ceiling and gender pay gap even for earning-women. Basically, lower status given to women's work- at home or outside is the root cause. That is due to lower status for women.

    We women stupidly think that somehow by changing ourself, by working harder, doing it all, we can get that validation but that will not come so easily.It will come gradually, as society becomes more progressive. So better to have patience and keep standing for your respect, than to become dejected.

    And not holding celebration at this time is also the wise thing, holding celebration when he is suffering will make him feel worse.



    That is absolutely true. It is women who get pregnant , not men. And it is women who breastfeed the child, and that takes minimum 2 years.

    If a woman has more than one child, it will take many years off her prime career years.
    Unfortunately, women's biological clock and career clock coincide.

    Maybe that's why . a man's job really matters in society more than a woman's.

    Also, somebody has to stay home and raise the children till they get to school at least, so the person who has already put her career on hold usually continues instead of the prime breadwinner. Unfortunately, in our society, rather than skills, a person's entire work history , resume, matter .So the person (the husband) who has not taken a break in career, has no career gaps, has experience in recent technologies/skills- decides to continue to be the prime bread winner. If he quits job now, and the wife starts, it will be a loss for both of them, as she has to sort of start from scratch, and he also loses all the goodwill he earned in last few years .

    The main issue is in the way the workplace is designed-

    bio clock coinciding with career clock,
    resume gap deters women from reentering workforce
    giving imp to career history than to skills
    etc

    These things make it very difficult for women to get back their career. So, husband's career is considered more imp.

    Also, I hope when we start valuing women's work at home, equally, as we value a man's job, these debates will cease.
    Women should not feel worthless just because they are not earning.
     
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  8. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Reesha, I feel you. I think only 10-20% women are lucky to have a thorough equal treatment by parents, husband n at place of work. Rest majority still struggling with dirty politics be it kitchen politics or work politics!.

    Over time I have developed mild aversion to my parents because of this mentality. Though I am grateful to them for raising me equal to my brother in terms of education, food, buying whatever I need etc.... They are part of same patriarchy system where they think no matter how much a girl is educated and earning well, she has to take care of kitchen n houeehold chores. My brother doesn't even lift his finger to even wash his own coffee cup. While I used to wash entire utensils myself on the days maid was on leave.
    When they wanted to find wife for my brother, their search was for a girl who works 9 to 5 or less so that she can come home cook and take care of my brother while he can work at whatever timings he needs to n get fresh cooked meals on his plate served in his room!.

    Post my marriage, same expectations were from my husband n inlaws.
    I had to fight and create my boundaries for first 2yrs of marriage which took a toll on my mental health but now I am at peace somewhat as my husband earns less than me and is not as ambitious as me keeps changing jobs...but he doesn't have ego that his wife is more successful at her career and earns better.
    He also shares equal household chores, even presses my feet when I am tired after a hectic day. He will wash dishes as I cook. Some days he will cook too if I cant have time or energy but his cooking is not good so I take that section most of the times.
    He does the cleaning of bathrooms, toilets and keeping trash out daily while I do the sweeping n mopping of house. I was pretty clear of my expectations from him n what he should expect from me. It wasn't easy to come to this stage though. Lot of fights, tears, sleepless nights, regrets etc had to be faced but I was determined to set my boundaries from day1 so now after 2yrs I am at this stage.

    Sometimes I feel like indian women are cursed to suffer even with all the education and empowerment still we have to fight for patriarchy.

    Still parents want their sons wives to baby sit their adult sons n do all housework plus go out work n give them money! Its worser than older gen.

    In matrimony sites, during my pre-wedding "groom search"..I came across many profiles of short dark men with round bellies putting the description for partner preference as "want fair, slim beautiful looking traditional girl". And many esp NRIs mention they want unemployed girls who dont work but take care of his parents n him n his house after marriage.

    The internal system of Patriarchy itself is to blame! We need to change it from our gen atleast so that our future kids gem dont suffer.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    True and this is not just Indian social expectations, it happens here too. my Dh Labor had rfe around 10 years back and his visa expired . he had to move to h4 on my dependent for 6 months. at that time we were changing to a new rental property. as part of background verification i had to give my pay stubs.

    the landlady noticed that dh did not give any pay stubs and bluntly asked him why he does not make any money and just sits at home. i was more angry that my dh but we avoided a confrontation. and she was not indian or close to any Asian culture either.
     
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  10. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    So There is no place in the world to make us equal with men.
     

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