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Why don't MILs understand a DIL?"

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Ria2006, Apr 18, 2008.

  1. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello folks,

    This is on public demand. Since I sided with In-laws and debated from their side, I stand guilty to stand from DIL 's side and explain it too. Bow My pleasure!

    Lets hear from MILs and DILs both , what they forsee the reasons for this lack of understanding from MIL. I can quote some.

    - They are at grey stage of life where becoming rigid comes as easy as getting tired.

    - They are facing an "empty nest" syndrome where they have to convince themselves everyday why despite of their best upbringing and goodwill their son is not staying with her.

    - They attach a slew of responsibility to the mental icon called "DIL". For them, she should everything goodness personified and no faults.

    - DIL's existence reduces their son's availability to her.

    - Very often the expectations starts from day one of entry of DIL, much before she has even understood the quantum of chnage happened in her life.

    I tried my best to find possible reasons. But as some said, until I face it I may not have caught up the right nerve. With God's grace I have a wonderful MIL with whom I share perfect equation. So I may have missed some pointers. Please add your wisdom.

    Ria
     
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  2. Kodavati

    Kodavati Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Why don't MIL's understand a DIL?"

    Hi,

    A very interesting topic.
    MIL's purpose is to bring a daughter to their just so that she can do everything for her son. In my case my MIL wanted me to take care of her son and would say ask him to excercise and etc.. In the beginning i did not understand and would do the same to my husband(started giving him more veggies etc.) while he was a more non veg guy
    and we both ended up fighting and then my MIL says it is my fault.
    Why the hell should i take the blams for trying to do something good.
    In spite of being a women they want us to work 24/7 while their sons are a couch potato.
    HATE THEM !!!!
     
  3. Sheetha

    Sheetha New IL'ite

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    You are right Ria,

    I really agree with you. As you have perfect in laws, you are not the right person to start a thread which is the "other-side-of-the-coin-thread" for the "Backbiting DIL" thread.
    In the "Backbiting" thread you critisized all DILs for not doing enough to adjust with In Laws. In this thread you are justifying the behaviour of In Laws. Both threads are basically the same.

    I really dont think you need to start a separate thread to see the other side of the coin. Just let the women from aorund the world pour their hearts out at Indus Ladies about the abuses they face, like they have been doing for all these years. All these threads will automatically be the "other-side-of-the-coin" to your "Backbiting DILs" thread.
     
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Oops...

    Ria.. I guess you need to sprinkle some humor and fun here and there.. May be put a note that its just a discussion and not brand naming???

    I understand that both sides might feel hurt[ atleast the genuine ones] :-( :-( and I guess thats not good now is it...

    Sheetha, Ria has opened this thread which is the other side of backbiting Big LaughBig Laughon my request.. We cannot blame only one side of the coin.. I personally feel both the women have their own fair amount of involvement...

    May be the thread name is mis leading.. it should have been Have MILs become DIL backbiting club?
    right?
     
  5. vidyasriram

    vidyasriram Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ria,

    You are again talking from MIL's point, let me tell you in your previous reply you compared a child and our efforts to make him/her study. With the child we can mend them by trying few times. In-laws being seasoned as you mention have very immature behaviour, If they are not mentally ready to accept a DIL they should keep their sons along with them.
    DIl makes their son's availability less, I don't agree with that because he balances both the side but with in-laws they expect that all the time son sits with them even though they would not have expected that before his marriage.
    I have been through this situation for 7 years and nothing changed until my MIl passed away. They were trying to create problems between us. Since my husband knew me, he would never blame me for anything. They have insulted my parents many times, I have tolerated everything and had always been nice to them doing everything they wanted me to but their behavior never changed. Some people are incorrigible they will never change no matter how good you are to them. Period..........

    -Vidya
     
  6. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    hi Ria, i think that all of these il's issues are so individual, thats why this is such a hot topic. In MY case, my mil has less time with her son, but she want me to replace her in the family....she wants me to learn all of the family tradtions, keeping of house, cooking etc from her...i can understand up to a point, but sometimes, its just too much! I am my own person, with my set of experiences, i have tried many times to FIT in with my il's but i feel that isn;t enough for them...their behavior remains the same. Tradtionally the dil was expected to take on a specific role, but times are changing, some il;s need to change too. Ria, i am not only speaking as a DIL, but i also have a bhabi, who i love and respect unconditionally, i didn;t expect this from day one, but we have a great relationship because we earned it. I whole heartedly believe that to get repect you must earn it, and thats with any relationship....i agree with you that alot of dil's complain about their il's, i am definatley one of them..for me, i would rather talk to my friends rather than my husb, it better for my marriage, also when i complain to my friends they give me suggestions, so these complaints are really problems that i would like resolved (hopefully)...my friends have helped me thru alot of these complaints, and if it weren;t for them, then today i would have ALOt more regrets then i do, and i would keep making the same mistakes again and again...just my two cents worth, about ME....sash:bowdown:bowdown
     
  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    ok, Ria. whatever you are saying is right, it is a girl's responsibility to adjust in the new home and blah blah blah so why a MIL who expects everything from her DILs cries hoarse when same thing happens to her own daughter. Why can't a MIL understand that her daughter is also somebody's DIL and her DIL somebody's daughter. Why does she wishes the best for her daughter while finds it ok to torture her DILs.
     
  8. happywoman

    happywoman Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ria,

    Glad that you changed the title of the "backbiting" thread. Now the thread title goes somewhat in sync with the subject matter.

    In this new thread, again you start with an opening note in favour of MILs. I dont understand what you want to convey.:idea


    Well.....let me leave it here.
     
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    HappyWoman, Monita, Sashie, vidyasriram, Nandshyam,Kodavati And Sheetha

    Thanks for reading the thread and adding your wisdom. I have no message in this post. It was just couple of folks requesting the other side of the coin thread. Hence if you find that my reasons look lame compared to actual reasons MILs have to harrass DILs. Feel free to add them. I may lack experience in this context.

    Ria
     
  10. saheli08

    saheli08 New IL'ite

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    I totally agree with you Sashie and monita. Why do they have so much expectations from us and MIL are always loking for faults. And when it comes to their own daughters then there is different set of rules altogether.
    times are changing, and they should be able to understand it too. Instead of banging our heads against the wall and trying to work out everything with MIL, its better to understand what kind of person she is and at the same time maintain some distance so that both she and us can get along our lives. I think when we become too much invested in any relationship, we tend to get hurt more and it turns sour. So the best I think is do our duty , but at the same time maintain your identity, priorities and self esteem. Sometimes we tend to lose ourselves in the process and become someone we really aren't because of the situation, and I fear that.

    live and let live!!
     

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