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Why Do Women Today Choose Conflict To Resolve Domestic Issues?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rosequeen, Mar 30, 2022.

  1. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I guess all this can be true if one chooses to gloss over the fact that many women of past generations just put on a happy face because they had few realistic options if their lives were unbearable.
     
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @rosequeen
    You appear to be a new member. In that case, welcome. I think this is a community of smart women which always has room for different points of view.

    I completely agree with you up to this point. In fact I daresay very very few people here also would disagree with what you have expressed above.

    I think this is where you and I begin to diverge our paths. How do you know this so -called current generation has not exhausted all the previous options before embarking on yelling, walking out or escalating the situation? I feel you are being a tad judgmental. I feel you have put it very simplistically, as if this is the first option these young women take. Often and there are many posts in this forum that I have seen over the last decade, the woman gives her husband and the marriage chance after chance, compromises and ignores many many things but there is no reciprocation, no understanding from the other side. What if the man refuses to as you so eloquently put it
    What if the man refuses to do that? Refuses to talk, listen, agree on changing behavior
    What advice would you give to those women? Mostly, I would say ~90%, such women only post here. They post really sad, heart-wrenching stories of the husband pigheadedly insisting 'my way or high way'. You can read the forum and see all the last ditch 'I tried everything and I can't think of how to fix this anymore so please help' kind of appeals.

    Umm, really? So now we have to attack the bold bad feminists? Western culture is the root of all evil, etc? Okay this is where you are entirely on your own, lady! Not sure where you got this info, but I would like to inform you that you are quite mistaken.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2022
  3. FE40

    FE40 Silver IL'ite

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    Most men expect their partner to be submissive. Most women are submissive as well... That's why there may be no conflict. Conflict occurs the moment a woman voices out. That is still not accepted by the greater society.
     
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    @rosequeen

    Yes, very true. This trick works wonderfully like a charm for me. Everytime my husband gets angry i have learnt to just keep quite for it to pass and he does the same. Later on we sit down and talk about the fight, we realise where we went wrong and try and correct it.

    But this works for me only because my husband is willing to listen to my point and i am willing to my husband's point.

    What if the guy just doesnt want to talk about or listen about his attitude? Take my sister for instance. No matter what happens the husband's words are final. She just meekly accepts it. Its been six years since her marriage and she still nods her head for everything and is ok with what he says. My BIL is a loner. He hates people be it his side relatives or my sister's side relatives. He expects my sister to follow the same. She stays in India, just 12 hours away from us and he refuses to send her to our house for more than 5 days. He has manhandled her, locked her out of the house in anger, taken their son away for a day apparantl to teach her a lesson....the list is endless.

    Even day before yesterday when she wanted to visit us, he didnt give a penny for her ticket both to and fro. He hates us going to her house and hates to come to our house also.

    We can't gift anything to my sister because he takes offense that he didn't receive any or takes offense thinking that we are judging him for not buying those things for her by himself - which is not the case at all. The icing on the cake is that my sister is the sole bread winner of the family.

    He works but he doesnt contribute a single penny towards the family. Even she does not have a clue as to what he earns or what he does with his earnings.

    I ask you now. Does this life seem good to you?

    We have pleaded my sister to walk away from her marriage but she doesn't. Unfortunately she is of the opinion that ...
    You tell me...is this a life? Can you call this a life? Is my sister supposed to suffer her entire life just to maintain a facade to the so called society.

    I am glad the current generation does that. My husband kept threatening me with the D word everytime in a fight. I kept feeling scared for that. It wasnt until i yelled back saying "to hell with you...i want that god damn divorce now"...did he realise how much he stood to loose if i stood up against him.

    Politeness doesnt work everytime. There are times you need to be polite and nod your head to put forth your point at a later time. And there are times when you have to rage and yell and shout just to make your point heard.

    I choose both the options depending on the situation.

    Nope. Not the ones who are sensible.

    No matter how clean the white wall is, 1 black dot catches your eye.
    No matter how sensible the rest of your post was, this one sentence negates everything!
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2022
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Nothing beats happy family. I agree!
    But being single or divorced is better than living in a sad or dysfunctional family. It is far far far better than being depressed, and worn out due to constant troubles in life.

    The trick of being silent when husband is angry is a universal trick that has been used by many women across the globe.

    My granny used this, but her arrogant husband took her silence for granted and abused her for life. Nothing changed except that she got used to constant fights, physical abuse, and torture in life.
    He did change after a point. But that time, my granny was numb and passed middle age.
    There was no love in their marriage. It was clearly a dysfunctional family. But my granny made it look like a perfect happy family to the world. Her children had a rosy childhood at the cost of their mother's sanity.
    Being a complete dependent on her spouse, she had no other ways to handle her problems. She sacrificed her life for her kids!

    My mom practiced the same tactic as well. She used to keep silence when dad is angry. This opened dad's eyes to think & act calmly. He was a great listener and he changed with time. Mom had a perfect marriage, and she believes her initial silence was the key that won dad's heart later.

    I was also taught to follow the same tactic by my parents. I did follow the same when my H was angry.
    A couple of years, and nothing changed. Because his anger was just a camouflage to cover up his parent's faults. He wanted me to keep silence despite of their wrong doings; hence threatened with extreme anger :(
    I waited silently for 2 years. Started reacting slowly in the next few years. But then, I understood our lives were sinking and it was the right time to react if I want to save it.
    I did have the financial independence to face the negative consequences of reaction, if any.
    Therefore I was able to take charge of my life with minimum damage.
    If I were in my mom's or grand mom's shoes, I would have died long back for what had happened to me.

    Silence or action does not depend on gender. Women or men, as adults should know when to react and how to handle their lives.
     
  6. FE40

    FE40 Silver IL'ite

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    It's very true. I chose this option, and I can strongly say now...... Being depressed is horrible..... I walked out and am at peace. Not just at peace, over the years the past is forgotten and am a very happy individual now.
     
  7. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    But u need to understand that there were issues that cannot be tolerated. Back then woman were treated as slaves or servants! They had to do all work and go through physical abuse. But now woman has freedom. They are able to gain respect!
     
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  8. Anbhu

    Anbhu Silver IL'ite

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    Madam, why did the older generation even stayed calm, noded head, reminded man. Didn't the men knew themself?. Why didn't the older generation just take the abuse and if he wants to slap left and right take that as well happily and move on and wait for the next time for him to abuse again.

    Had been the older to older to older to older ... generation women remained calm, sati would have been still in practice, Devadasi tradition would have been still in practice, our grandpa's generation tradition of same man marrying multiple sisters would have been still in practice. Do you think these all were eradicated just by remaining calm, noding head and gentle reminder to men.

    I am sure when movement for sati abolition was in its peak the older generation would have campaigned "Didn't we practice sati in our generation why this younger generation is creating so much ruckus?"

    The younger generation you mentioned are also brought up by the same older generation mentioned by you who remained calm. Unfortunately the older generation stopped teaching the younger generation to remain calm because the suffered older generation women do not want their children to go through the same.

    if the women were treated with respect in all generations, women would have stayed home happily, men would have worked at office peacefully and kid's would have spent their childhood happily and with only one earning member at each home cost of living also would have stated at bay.
     
  9. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    [QUOTE="Anbhu, post: 4254162,
    Had been the older to older to older to older ... generation women remained calm, sati would have been still in practice, Devadasi tradition would have been still in practice, our grandpa's generation tradition of same man marrying multiple sisters would have been still in practice. Do you think these all were eradicated just by remaining calm, noding head and gentle reminder to men.

    I am sure when movement for sati abolition was in its peak the older generation would have campaigned "Didn't we practice sati in our generation why this younger generation is creating so much ruckus?"
    [/QUOTE]

    Lets not get into history debate here and start falsely claiming that women's movement was responsible for Sati abolition or that older generation women were not allowed to work due to patriarchy. We already have enough argument in India about origins of Sati being to preserve womans dignity when Islamic rulers attacked India and our great Hindu warriors rising to defend the country.

    We need to thank our Indian army for all the protection being provided to women that we today don't talk about Sati. Feminists have contributed ZERO.

    Same thing with women being able to join the workforce, where would we all be without 'patriarchy inventions' like sanitary pads, diapers, gas stove, fridge etc that have made womens life 100 times easier? Do you know how difficult it was for older generation women to go out of the house during the period week?

    I can go on and on about history and all the things you have mentioned but will be long post. Its easy for women of this generation to whine and shout about how weak their 'great grandmothers were to allow sati' and 'how liberated we are to work' specially when this generation does not have to face Islamic invasions or worry about cutting wood to start a fire
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    We really don’t mind. Post away. I’d love to know more about how sati was abolished by following patriarchal norms. Please give us some historic insights. We shouldn’t lose the essence of history by not putting it down somewhere.


    “The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again.”

    - Robert Jordan
     
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