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Why do some men get married?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by flicka, Jan 26, 2010.

  1. flicka

    flicka New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am new to this forum and I have read a lot of posts to get an idea about how to deal with marriage. But cant figure this out:

    I have been married for less than 2 years. I come from a nuclear family where I am close to my parents and siblings but all of us have enough freedom and talk may be once or twice a week with each other. On the other hand my husband is also from nuclear family but he is very close to his sister and cant do anything that his father wont accept. I feel he is an independent person (since we live by ourselves in a different state) but he doesnt really have an independent mind. He has to talk to his father and sister (not brother) every day without fail. I felt really odd in the beginning and told him so but he said that thats how he is and he will not change. So I thought ok, a habit that I have to adjust with all my life.

    My husband is a nice man, helps me with daily chores, helps me in rearranging the house as per my ideas. However he can never admit or feel that a husband and wife share a special relation. The relation that we have goes beyond what he shares with his sister or any other member of his family. For him, the 2 of us dont make a family. I have to be a part of his already existing family.

    I find that so odd to believe. Why do people get married when they dont even want to give their wives the priority that they are entitled to? He is so extra attached to his family, no matter if we are on a vacation or not, he has to call and give a lot of updates about me and him. I just dont understand this. He is an grown up man but dont want to show that side of his to his family. :idontgetit:

    We have had a lot of trouble between our families during our marriage and I have had a lot of arguments with him after staying together but now I cant take it any more. I try to over look such child like things but they keep bugging me. I wonder since we have such different opinion about how to lead married life, should I call it quits?

    Sorry for the long post but will really appreciate some advices.

    Thanks,
    Flicka
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    You asked 2 questions, why do men get married, and what YOU should do... Here's answer to the first...

    I think some men get married for love, others for social pressure, parent pressure, age worries...

    Here's my thoughts. Hope I'm not offending anyone....

    I believe in husband wife relationship, there are mainly two types of love, or so I have observed in my short life.

    1) passionate romantic love. The kind you feel when you fall in love and can't stop thinking of that person and desire and love them most in this world. Sometimes it transitions into type 2 completely, other times it becomes a combo of 1 AND 2 at same time (best case scenario), other times it fizzles out completely and relationship dies (worst case).

    2) steady, sensible love. Usually comes out of a sense of duty or responsibility or just spending a lot of time together. Not all consuming, not distracting... usually this love lasts a long time because it's based on respect and committment to the husband/wife relationship. However, it's often not a deep love like you get in the passionate type 1 mentioned above.

    I feel in love marriages (and by that I mean more than just "and one day my coworker spontaneously proposed to me")... I mean like, truely falling in love, dating, etc, then you will experience the type 1.

    But in arranged marriages, you get more of the type 2 love. SOMETIMES though the type 1 love sets in AFTER marriage for an arranged marriage couple. But from what I have seen, there seems to be a lot of the type 2 in arranged marriages. And one of the key characteristics of that... is it's not 'crazy in love' or anything like that... it's not the type of love people live and die for.... or stand up against parents for. The love is more driven by a sense of duty towards spouse than love towards spouse.

    Like, normally I would not turn my back on my family for anyone in the world. But when I 'fell in love' with my dh, I left my house completely to marry him and they didn't talk to me for almost a year. But I didn't care... because I was 'madly' in love with him. And when his parents tried to tell him to send me back to my mom's house... he told them to go to hell! Normally for any cousin or relative, we would have never told our parents that... but because we were crazily (maybe deranged :crazy) in love, we were willing to act foolish and irrational. Don't know if those are the right words, but maybe you get the jist of what I'm saying?

    But in arranged marriages, I think they're entered into more calmly and rationally, and there might not be that initial passion to fuel strong shows of loyalty towards spouse. And hence, wife and parents are easily placed on the same level, or wife at lower level, but often not FIRST.

    I'm really not trying to slam arranged marriages. I'm just saying that I feel they're a gamble in that, sometimes the passionate love doesn't happen. FOR EXAMPLE: I have met many nice boys in my life. Probably half of them I could have married and been in a 'happy' and 'loving' relationship with because they were kind had good personality and stable job. But NONE of them I felt passionatly for.... until I met my husband. And that's how I knew that he was the one... because I felt for him something I never felt before. And what he told me is, when he had an arranged marriage before, he felt a lot of respect and obligation towards the 'marriage' but was not particularly in love with the 'person' he married. In fact with his 1st marriage he was under whelmed and thought marriage was way over rated. But he says when he met me, he finally had 'that loving feeling' and all of a sudden nobody had to FORCE him into marriage, he started fantacizing about it and started wanting it from his heart.... and that's what made him realize that THIS is how it should feel. When that strong love sets in, it's really hard for the world (i.e. PARENTS) to come in between.

    Definitely you can enter into an arranged marriage and the love might be AWESOME, like the strongest type 1 love ever.... but that is totally dependent on the individual couples chemistry. Not on horoscope, not on parents approval, not on age of couple or education... but totally on the couple's CHEMISTRY.

    Here's answer to second...

    Flicka... you yourself said your husband is a nice man. You say he is an independent man. And that only problem is he informs his family a little too much. My honest opinion is.... it's crazy of you to think of divorcing him for such small reasons. He sounds like a great guy with a few minor annoying features. Probably you have some annoying features too. But bottom line is, you admit you've got a good guy... but are willing to split just because he doesn't openly talk about a 'special' relationship with you??? Are you a mind reader to know what he feels about you? I think probably he values and loves you very much since he treats you so well. Also, he has chosen to live independently from his parents, but in same house as YOU.... doesn't that say something about his priorities? If he felt his family was more special than you, he would be there with them. But instead he is here with you, being your hubby, and you are finding fault with small things of his. I think... you are looking under a microscope and hence seeing fault in him.

    I mean really, can you elaborate more? Is all your anxiety caused by the phone calls? That seems like a really small reason to consider divorce, unless there is more to the story....

    But please realize, love marriage... arranged marriage... passionate love... platonic love... this is a MARRIAGE you're talking about and it's serious business. So don't think that breaking it is like breaking your appointment to have nails done or hair cut. I don't know how you entered the marriage... but I know in this day and age, pretty much nobody is forced to marry with gun pointed at their head. YOU made those vows, YOU made promises to God and husband... and if you weren't ready to honor those vows to best of your ability, you shouldn't have made them. If there is physical abuse, torture, deep sadness and anger in your relationship... then maybe consider what is best for you. But divorce over small differences? That just doesn't seem right to me. If I have understood you wrong, by all means, please elaborate more. Hope this gigantic response of mine helped. :bonk
     
  3. flicka

    flicka New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for feedback and as you have correctly pointed out that its silly to divorce over such small issues. Well, there is definitely more than what I have written

    I met my husband through internet dating. He was in US and I was back in India. When I was looking for guys, I knew I wanted to first talk to the guy myself and if we click then tell my family to take the matters ahead. My husband approach was how it is typically in an arranged marriage where he preferred to make the decision along with his parents.

    We met once and I liked him and we kept on chatting. We had chatted for a couple of months, everything seemed find then and because of US Visa and immigration formalities, he suggested that we have a court marriage and that traditional Indian marriage can be done later. We had this in a central place where only my sis with her family and his friends were present. At the court marriage, he had suggested to exchange rings and then later at night with the dinner that he threw to celebrate the occasion with friends and sis with her family, they were giving tips like they wud to any couple and asked us to share an ice cream.

    When he went back and showed the video to his father, the fil said that we have exchanged rings (like an engagement), got married and shared dinner (like at reception) and was really angry with him. He said you have done everything and since my sister was there she supported us which was wrong and that we should apologize. My family is quite forward and they didnt look at it like this way. There was a lot of miscommunication and arguments between families and it was a mess. Anyways, as a result we never got the hindu marriage. My husband promised to me that we will do it on our 1st anniversary and I came here to US with our parents consent. We are approaching 2nd anniversary and the hindu marriage is no where in sight. He simply said sorry before 1st anniversary.

    I was already hurt by the whole marriage thing and then there was this extra closeness with family in the initial days. Moreover, I was all alone here with husband w/o any of my family and used to be depressed. We fought a lot and i said things about his family which really irked him. Once it went to this extent that he hit me. I packed my bags and was ready to leave. He begged me to stay, agreed to go with me to a marriage counselor and to work on the marriage with full efforts. Things seem to be coming on track until recently when we went to meet his family. I didnt like the way he and his sister were dying to spend time with each other (she is married, he also has a younger brother but she is not so attached with him) and I told him so. He said I am being immature.

    However, since that trip I have been getting a very unsettling feeling and I spoke to my husband how I feel that husband and wife should share a special relation and that everything doesnt have to be communicated back to families. He said he doesnt see any reason why should our relation be any special than what he shares with his family and there have been times when i have shared things about us with my family.

    I always believed in the 1st type of love that you have mentioned and I am quite disappointed that in this marriage I will be getting 2nd type of love. I very strongly feel if you are not living with the right person you are just wasting your life and thus considering the extreme step.

    After all this, do you still think it will be wise for me to give this marriage a chance, be patient and try to think that one day he will understand what i am telling him.
     
  4. ballet

    ballet New IL'ite

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    Hi flicka, Read your post. Sorry, that you are not happy with your married life. You are just married for 2 yrs, so there is more in the years ahead of you. Why are you thinking about walking out, instead of thinking how to make it work?. And what guarentees you that you'll find the passionate love when you walk out of this marriage.

    To have a good healthy marriage, its needs commitment, love and work. You have to make it work. Work I mean, try to understand each others feelings, when to give up something or when to hold on to something and never let go, when to apologise etc. In this case I would say you have to hold on to ur man, ur husband. He's a good man (u said), providing for you and His family which most of us women don't like it in the equal level.

    When we get married whether its arranged or love, we all come from 2 different families with different ways of doing things and talk about different emotional feelings. You have the fundamental thing which has to be there in a marriage. LOVE. And he loves you. All you want is the passionate love which asuitable girl was talking about. And you know , you will get it from him. Give it some more time. There are so many ideas from other posts how to get you husband's attention in a good way, which I'm not going to repeat. And yes he did not keep his promise. but we all have flaws.

    In the early years of marriage both husband and wife are striving to figure out if we've found the right person or not. Believe me I once thought why in the world I got married to my husband. I spoke thousand words and he spoke one word. But the bottom line, he loved me and I loved him. There we other things as in-laws stuff and so on. We both had to learn to communicate in each others love language first. And that brought more trust, and we've come a long way today with the passionate love for each other.So yes give it time, learn to communicate, and NEVER think of the D word, unless the worse scenarios stated by asuitable girl. Good luck.
     
  5. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    What are you trying to tell him ? That he needs to be more expressive or consider you different from his family ?

    First of all, you do not compare relatiionships. Period. You dont compare a Parent-kid relationship to a husband-wife relationship. It is wrong. Simply because they are different. You and he are no matter A FAMILY.. even if he fails to see it or understand it. So, dont break your head over convincing him.

    About his sister and he being close. I feel you are taking it too far, because you feel weird. Dont. Their relationship is nowhere close to what you share with him and vice-versa. You can never be your husband's sister .. isnt ? They were born in the smae family and grew up together. Just because he isnt close to his brother doesnt mean, his closeness to his sister is weird. Dont object or mind it.

    About he reporting everything to his family. Well.. that is how he has been must be. Let us say, you were close to your mommy, and talked to her everyday ( it isnt unusual ) , your hubby picked up a quarrel with you and tells you to stop being childish.. Would you feel he is talking sense ? NO. You would think, he is being unreasonable and should probably mind his own business. Why would you want to change your way of handling things simply because he disapproves of them.. isnt ? Now, just because you dont talk everyday to your parents / siblings doesnt mean, he is not right by doing so everyday.

    When you have a baby.. and you become a threesome.. he will know, he has stepped into his dad's shoes in someone else'e life. That you neednt tell him.. he will grow into it. :)

    When on vacations, the time he calls his parents, you pick that time to call yours and your friends. Simple. Spend the rest of the time together. Dont make a mess out of the issue.

    If he doesnt show his grown-up side to his parents / siblings, maybe it is because he doesnt have to. They know. Why do you insist ? As far as he is giving you the respect and love you deserve and are entitled to as a wife, leave the rest as it is. Dont over indulge in the way, he has to lead his life. Accept him the way he is and make sure, you hold your dignity high as a wife. Dont play all the roles and mess it up.

    Best Luck ! :thumbsup
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    flicka,

    Each marraige has some good things and bad things.You never get 100% what you want.Always some issues.Don't you have any issues in your family?Don't you have any problems in office?

    So you need to give them sometime and both of you understand each other and eventually if you don't like something then your husband will try to see a point.But you don't get everything what you want from day 1.You need to make some changes to your life and he will make some adjustments to his life and both can lead a happy life.

    I have 2 daugthers.I constalty tell them both needs to be there for each other and take care of each othere.Motehr wanted to see all the kids happily and live togther.So that's has been habit for him from his childhood.How come wife can change his old time thing.

    It's rellay upto you.No one can tell you anything.It's easy to break the relations but it's hard to win someone's love.

    ALl the best.
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Flicka, I guess we all pass thru a very low phase & probably this is one of them.. maybe for me too... its v difficult for many guys to understand that 2s a company & anymore is a crowd.

    I also share a relationship where my DH narrates every happening of day with his family & they keep suggesting him what to do next.. he doesn't need or talk to me for anything & always with a grumpy face. They've convinced them whtever they think & suggest thats best.

    I fractured my toe & he calls his mom that he's in a busy office schedule.. wht to do.. she suggests him tell her to call her mom... when she herself at a prior incident had suggested him that my parents come to my help in exchange of money... without even asking me how I feel .. how mch is pain.. if I can manage or no.. what change will he need if there's no additional help... tells him not to assist in anything.. not to hold any child.... Next morn his mom calls up to know who's booked tickets for my mom & then DH updates his mom that its not yet booked & further analysis.

    Yes we're living under one roof & he & many tell me too that this is a sign of giving some importance to you over his family, however too much of information sharing esp with a person who doesn't have a positive attitude is a killer which many cant understand...

    I simply take it by day & consider myself better than those who live in a loveless marriage under same roof with pathetic IN Laws where the lady is also wondering WHY!!
     
  8. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Hi...
    i think you are simply mixing issues and over reacting to the matter.... I know that some times this kind of close between Dh and his family is bugging and also gives a feeling of insecurity but learn to over come it. I think this is your main problem... about you not having a hindu marriage... does it really matter??? why rake up old issues and spoil it all in life.. learn to let go...
    my DH speaks to his mom and before that his dad (he passed away last year) everyday in the night at 10p.m incase he doesn't call by 10:15p.m there is panic and she calls... yes i do get irritated sometimes then i check myself... as I can imagine when my son returns from school and doesn't call i get worried so same way she also waits for his call... we need to understand this and accept it and move on... it takes a lot of effort but it will be worthwhile at the end of the day.
    look he is not stopping you from communicating with your folks so why are you getting in his way... some families are like that ... they communicate more .. you expect our Dh to change all of a sudden!!
    there is nothing in your post which suggests that you have any such problems due to which you need to divorce.. these are petty matters and start looking at the complete picture....
    Also though all of us desire type 1 passionate love we often land up with type 2.. but thats ok as long as there is LOVE...
     
  9. flicka

    flicka New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much ladies, you all are so wise !! :hatsoff I am really glad that I posted my concerns here and got some positive feedback to make me realize that I have to grow up and overlook some unnecessary things. By concentrating more on the two of us rather than others, I will be able to lead a much happier life.

    When I was thinking of calling it quits, it was not because I think I will be happier with somebody else but just that Marriage is so much of a hard work or a responsibility or a bag of emotions (at least that's the feeling I have been getting) that it will be easier to live by myself like I was doing before I got married. But as you have made me realize that its upto me to take it in my stride or make a mountain of a mole so I will give this marriage an honest try. And will save your advices so that next time I am feeling down, I can go thru them again and get the right perspective. :thumbsup

    Thank you again :)
     

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