Why do few couples living abroad have their kids taken care by parents or ILs?

curiousgal · Jul 12, 2010

Sonali,

I think you have very valid points here and I agree with you on whatever you said about leaving it to the parents to decide what and how they want to bring up their children. If it works out well for them, like you said, who are we to question their decision?

My sincere apologies to all those who got offended by this thread. I think we've discussed enough of this and if I could, I would close this thread.

To each their own!

Thanks everyone!

smileAlways · Jul 12, 2010

I am again wondering is there a rule in IL that we cannot discuss anything other than our own family issues, related to nation , politics etc.To me, the thread we are discussing is a current social phenomena whole over the world, in US, UK, Singapore and other countries among Indian people..As long as we are not pinpointing to a person or not passing personal comments, discussing a social issue is fine.While discussing anything, there will be always 2 sides ..It does not mean that only one side is right..Other side is wrong..People can justify their side..but please don't say that other side is insensitive..How many of you, who are compassionate to people who send their children to Grand parents, really thought of their children who are away from their parents..? I am not a person who is not thinking about those children as they are not my children..Hope everyone is agreeing this point "a mother is a mother and none can equal her love for her children"..Also please remember that nobody can replace mother's love(according to me Father's too), even if they are grand parents...

If a husband is beating his wife brutally and if the wife is suffering silently,
Do you think, as long as its their family issue,is it right to do that?..
I am not trying to say that sending kids to grand parents is wrong..I just want to know
if we can comment only when the issue is directly affecting us.

Sabitha_K · Jul 13, 2010

Chill ladies , let us call it a truce.

Everyone feels so strong about this subject that one is taking defensive position even when there is no battle going on.

Let us all understand that there is no premeditated attack on parents who send their kids to India.OP is curious to know the reasons why someone would send one's kid to India.General survey , inquisiteness ,whatever ? If you had a reason or can think of a reason please state it.

Archu, we all understand and empathize your situation and you have might had VALID reasons which you need not discuss in a public forum to justify your stance.To dig into someone's personal live and introspect their decision making capability is the least intention of anyone here.So please do not take anything personally, after all this is just a online discussion forum not any law-making legislature where one needs to vociferously fight.I hope you understand ( of course, knowing the sensible and sweet person in you :thumbsup)

Ladies, please curb your emotions , they are running really high when the only expectation is for the participation to run high.

Oh my, I just made my first post in parenting forum and lo and behold , what do I see when I come back to check responses.Censorship , criticism and closing down of the thread.:drowning:spin:spin

Can we be more civil and present our views in a amicable manner ?

Curiousgal, everyone has put some time and effort in presenting their views here , closing down of the thread would just showcase that we can't discuss sensibly some sensitive topics.Is that what we bunch of ladies here symbolize ? When you strike a delicate chord be prepared to receive wide spectrum of responses.Don't give up so easily when the situation is still reparable.

So ladies, can we stick to the topic and just discuss as someone rightly pointed out - the reasons behind the gripping phenomenon now parents face abroad.

All the best :thumbsup

curiousgal · Jul 13, 2010

Sabitha,

THe only reason why I thought we could stop discussing this is because lot of the ppl here were taking offense to it. Lot of them seemed to take it personally....and being a new member here, I didnt want to strike the wrong chord (which I unintentionally seem to have done already!)

Sabitha_K · Jul 13, 2010

Relax, curiousgalChillout!.There is no superiority associated with seniority here in IL .

By the way you didn't comment on my post http://www.indusladies.com/forums/m...36-why-do-few-couples-living.html#post1305748

Do these reasons seem teeny-weeny bit valid :hide:.Lets just steer the thread for what you have created to discuss.

curiousgal · Jul 13, 2010

Seniors ragging/intimidating juniors...lol!
Anyways, getting back to what this thread was created for and your response thereof, here is my take on it:

Fear: Trust me, every now and then, I myself do think about this...about how life has changed after my baby was born. I was never a career-oriented woman who wanted to grow up the organizational ladder. All that I ever wanted was a job for survival. I have sisters who are way too career-oriented, so yeah, I agree with you, this could be one reason why couples choose their kids to be brought up by GP

Care: How I would myself love to have someone else guide me through how to bring up my baby? I do very strongly rely on my friends who have children, talk to my family back home in India and surf the internet for any ideas that might help me bring up my child in a better manner. Infact I know of my offsite counterpart who though in India, was far away from her parents and inlaws and hence had to have a nanny at home. But a cpl of months later, she was worried, because her kid seemed to be picking up the accent and the language of the nanny. In a few cases you hear of nannies swearing and the kids picking up on the same!

I also know of another friend here in the US, who was in the same project as me, she quit her job finally.....when her son was almost a year old. Why? Because her son failed to recognize her. She used to work long hours here as well (wud reach home only by midnight when her son was fast asleep) and her kid was being taken care of by her inlaws. Whenever my friend would take the baby in her arms, her baby would cry. She cudnt bear this any longer and decided to quit and spend some time with her baby. So, there are pros and cons of doing this.

Stability: I strongly believe that kids raised in a stable environment grow up to be confident individuals and become level-headed. In my case in particular, yes, am at home, but one day will get back to work.....so with the hectic schedules, am really concerned as to how this is gonna impact my child. I'm very seriously contemplating moving to a completely different job profile just to ensure that I get to spend more time with my child since being in the software industry is so demanding and so hectic! I've always been very particular that parents should take time to spend with their children.

Sabitha_K · Jul 13, 2010

Attagirl , thats the spirit ! :thumbsup

I see a lot of genuine concern in your post about the parenting and the influence of it on kids in their formative years.

I really liked your point on care where sometimes there needs to be a transition period when it is time to ween them from the grandparents and make them adapt to parents now.

Yes, there is a growing trend to chose careers which offer work-life balance after having kids and I have seen a lot of people make this move.

Also , I think the lifestyle of new generation has significantly changed which eases them to deal with this by occupying in work or keeping themselves busy.

Spiderman1 · Jul 13, 2010

There is no reason to close this thread. We should be able to discuss sensitive topics in IL without getting bloomers in a bunch!

I noticed similar thing happing in Rel forum where people get defensive when sensitive topics are discussed. These discussions are GENERAL and not abt specific individuals!

If some are hypersensitive, and want to stay out of the discussion, by all means exercise your choice to refrain from the thread. But if members were to petition to close down all sensitive topics, then we will be discussing Mega Serials on TV :bonk (well, there is a forum for that, where *that* is considered a 'sensitive' topic probably if you trade opinions )

Chillout! and let the discussions continue!

Aadhusmom · Jul 13, 2010

As a Mod, I dont think this thread needs to be closed as long as discussion is kept general - the way it is now - without specific targeting of individuals. I will only request posters to not take everything discussed in a public forum personally - you know your situation best after all and no one is judging anyone here.

Vanathi.

ShilpaMa · Jul 13, 2010

Curious,
It all depends on an individual patience levels and their ability to deal with a child.... if I have to spend 24 hrs at home with 2 warring toddlers, I'certainly drive everyone nuts. Sat & Sun are more than sufficient for me to bang my head..........

the question you asked:
Why do few couples living abroad have their kids taken care by parents or ILs?
can be similar to
Why do few working couples have their kids taken care by nanny or daycare?

hehehehehe.. its a matter of level/ perception we're talking from

My MIL posts the reframed question for me... altho am sure if I'd left my job and stayed at home she wud have found another question from following.
I feel the child can cry for 10-15 mins and its a good exercise for his or her lungs and need not fulfill each of their demands or fantasy.
Kids should eat healthy food at regular intervals and not allowed to do forced vomitting & their tantraums should not be borne to a level where you feed them ONLY glucose biscuits for next 8-10 yrs of their life till they agree to eat pizzas, samosa & pepsi cola.
Also I feel the need to instantly change my clothes and other draperies that get spoiled if a child vomits/ pees or poops as its in best interest of the child or the other child to live in a clean environment.

Yes I agree she can sit for hrs in dirty sarees as she inherently loves dirt and her feet are as dirty as close to black by the end of day & leaves all other household work if a child cries... she feels thats just the right way to be a Mother.... again to each their own ways.. however to whatever namecalling she does to me for my above acts, I simply pass them through the other ear cos she can never think from my angle and perspective. I get tired of single processing and feel a sense of achievement with little returns from multiple tasks than just raising a BABY.