Why do few couples living abroad have their kids taken care by parents or ILs?

Fudge: I wasnt resorting to name calling or using vulgar language so I fail to understand how its crude/rude. I was merely stating my opinion in a clear, concise albeit strong manner. I wonder why we Indians tend to skirt expressing our opinions! Maybe because we grow up not being able to question our elders politely.

 

I dont find anything wrong with the way DDC or curiousgal have expressed their opinions here.
Infact they are makin VERY VALID points here.

 

HEy Curios Gal,

I do have these thoughts coming to my Mind often.I have a 2 year old Kid and cant think of being away from HIm.

There are people who do it wantedly. One of my Hubbys COusin had done this. She had sent her son to her Parents in India. Infact the couples have a Decent Living there with own house and other luxuries in US . The only reason she had done that was she couldnt leave her Job . (There is absolutely no Financial Const). She couldnt leave her Job because she was more career oriented. But the Kid here has become so attached to the Grandparents that it doesnt even speak to his Mother. I dont think the kid would bond up with the Parents later.


But i have a Close friend of Mine who is away from her Kid. She has left her Kid with her Inlaws (In a Village) because she has continue with her JOb here. She cannot quit because she has debts to clear etc etc. I can understand how she misses her Son . She almost has tears on her eyes when she speaks about her Son. She is pleading every now and then to her Inlaws to come and stay along with her so that she can be with the Kid. But her Inlaws are reluctant to come and stay in City. How sad

See there are two extreme cases ...But i tell you the Bonding with Parents at the Tender Age is a MUST for the Parent -Child Relationship to Blossom.

Chhers,
Brahan:thumbsup

 

Curious, maybe I can answer you.

My colleague who sits next to me opted to send her toddler son back to her parent's place even in India:
1) Its a fad in their community.
2) Her own mother feels that the child is mal nourished by her daughter & SnIL and constantly falling ill in this climate.
3) Her daughter is hard pressed when servants run away and men in most of the society never move even a spoon. She deserves rest.
4) She can plan for next pregnancy in peace.
5) She's never happy with the way her MIL or daycare keeps her child.
6) mgr recently chalked out a career plan and project mgmt was a must to be a candidate for promo... he asked me I told him.. sorry am strictly here for 9-5 and we were discussing this on lunch table.. she said she's young and doesn't want to miss on this opportunity & with a child at home its difficult to manage a project in off working hrs.

Yes she misses the child on and off but feels secured that her mom is taking good care of her child while she's climbing the corporate ladder & getting some quality time with her husband. It all depends on what you saw in your growing up phase.. an acceptable norm is never a show stopper for you........ no matter how difficult it might be for others to digest.

 

Seriously, we had to send our daughter because we had to..

Yes, I am a parent who had to send my daughter to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region>.

NO mother would like to stay away from their kids.

But there are situations which each of us face and have to make such choices.

I am not here to explain or validate why we had to send our daughter.

I am here to say one thing, because few IL's are so curious on WHY?

I will really pray to GOD to create a situation where you HAVE to stay away from your kid.

I am sure then you will have clear picture on WHY.

Then you might realize what happens when a mother away from her kid feels when she reads such thread.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!!

 

Thanks curious gal for starting this thread.. I also have the same question in my mind from the last couple of years.. I used to wonder many times in the past that why parents are sending their children to grand parents..Then at one such moment, i got the answer...

For me, its becuase people have different priority..
want to keep their children with them, money, and career..some people like curious gal,
prefers to keep their children with them. Because they know the importance of parents in children's life. How the children need their parants while growing up. They are more responsible and sensitive to their children's needs. They want to be with their children at any cost.(that's why people are quiting their job or taking long leave, or not taking promotion because it require more time away from children.)
For some other people, though they love their children and want to stay with their children
their priorities are different. They want to do well in their job. Some wants to make money to lead a better life in future or want to make the future of the child secure or simply obsessed with money..etc...
I can't blame anyone who have taken a huge loan, or have large financial responsibilty..they can't quit their job for taking care for children. They don't like day cares either. They ends up in sending back their children to grand parents, thinking they will take care of them well...Still i have the question, Knowing their condition, why can't they wait..?
But i can't justify people who are financially settled and can live a decent life, sending their children away for the sake of money, career etc. If their priority is money or career, why can't they wait for having children till securing enough money or career sataus ? I think, for money people have x=x+1 equation...

I have seen people of all kinds..My FIL didnt take any promotion for the sake of my hubby and his brother.For the stablity of their education, to be with them on their growing years. He was a bank officer.On the other hand, my sister stayed with her grand-parents from the age of 3 to 9, since my mom can't take care both of us while working. My mom tried many maids with me and my sis and nothing worked out. Maids were only interesterd in chit-chatting with neighbours not in taking caring of babies..so she gave up..and the little one(me) was always sick..So she ended up sending my sis to my grand parents. She could have quit the job to look after us.. But their priority was different..
They have loans to pay back..and they both are from very poor family..so they needed money for children's education..future etc..My father also didnt take any promotion until we grown up..because promotion would require him to relocate..But by that time, we were well off financially. So promotion was not the priority then..

Whatever be the case, everyone should know how the children need their parents in their growing years...

 

I am not a mother yet but I still can understand how a mother feels to be away from her kid. I have always been there with my aunt(mom's sister) during her delivery and helped her with her 2 kids. Those kids are very dear to me and sometimes i feel they love me more than their mother. This was when their mother was right there with them during their growing years. However, that is not the point here.

My question is - Why are you guys wondering? How does it matter to you what parents of other kids do? It is a situation that has worked for the parents and the kids(may be) and that suits them perfectly. As long as they are in harmony with this arrangement, I cannot understand why other IL's (who have not sent their kids to their parents) keep wondering on how others could do that. While it is definitely appreciated that some of our IL's let their career take a backseat when they had a baby and stayed at home to take care of them, it is completely understandable that another mother cannot stay back home to take care of her kids. The reasons may be umpteen even when I think of it. They can vary from visa issues to marital issues. When to each their own, why does this behavior bother other IL's when it does not affect their marital life, their parents or even their kids. I am sure I might come across as a pretty rude person for saying this stuff. Most of the IL's advise that once you are married, even parents become extended family and it is husband, wife and kids that are immediate family and how no one should be interfering in their affairs. When own parents become extended family after marriage and should not interfere in family affairs, I now WONDER how it is ok for someone who is not even a part of the family to think how they could do this and that and pass on their comments. If I have perceived notions of other IL's as judgemental, let me clarify that it sounds judgemental to an extent when the issue does not bother anyone than the people in the situation itself and when the issue does not pertain to the nation as a whole, politics or any other life threatening situations. On a lighter vein, may be this should be in the chit chat forum instead so we could all gossip around it

I know a couple of friends who stayed at home to take care of their kids - one of them is Canadian PR, who gets ONE YEAR maternity leave. The other one has an EAD here in USA and the other one a US citizen. None of my friends on H1B could dare to quit the job with the fear of losing their status. I am on H1B myself and while I don't think I would send my kids to India when I have my own, I would neither quit my job lest I would lose my GC priority date which is like 3 years prior to my husband's that equals 30 years (slightly exaggerated) in REAL TIME to get our GC. I am only quoting a few examples that I can understand. However, I still feel there might be millions of reasons that might not make sense to us since we are not in the situations ourselves. So please ladies, lets feel bad if we could that the parents are not getting enough time to spend with their kids but NOT how they could do such stuff.

While there may be many people who do it just for the current fad, there might be many others who feel much sadder when compared to the rest of us to send their kids away from them. So, lets be compassionate, understand their pain and pray that they can be together asap without having to stay away from each other any longer. Albeit, I would like to add that I bet some of these people make their parents much happier by sending their kids over to the grand parents when they are retired and are missing their kin. I bet all the current grand parents would definitely make a very good set of parents(most of them) as they moulded us to be where we are today.

At the end of the day, a mother is a mother and none can equal her love for her children, no matter what they do. Amen.

sonali

 

Hi Curiousgal, I think the decision is every parents individual decision and no decision is right or wrong.

I have my kids with me and I am struggling a lot to keep up with my job and kids/family demands. My parents and inlaws are not young enough to take the responsibility of an infant and a toddler. But if I had the option, I would have not hesitated to send them to India. The main reason being the kids raised by Grandparents in India are far well manned than kids being raised by parents here in US. I personally have witnessed several such cases. When the kids are raised by grand parents in the initial years, not only are they not well behaved, polite and obidient but they do excel well in studies when they come here. (hats of to the education system in India)

I personally have a lot of respect for parents and grandparents for whom this plan works.