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Why do few couples living abroad have their kids taken care by parents or ILs?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by curiousgal, Jul 10, 2010.

  1. curiousgal

    curiousgal Bronze IL'ite

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    Seriously....why?

    I fail to get the point. I would really love to hear reasons as to why they do it.

    I'm a software engineer.....am currently on leave without pay for a year so that I could take care of my baby.
    My parents as well as my ILs both said that they would take care of my baby and that I could send him to India, but my hubby and I cannot even imagine our lives now without my darling baby!

    I believe that if you are not willing to take the responsibility of taking care of a child, dont have one until you are ready, no matter what society says. If you have one, you should be up for all the trials and tribulations and sacrifices that comes with it. Oh, btw, you will not feel you are sacrificing at all! It feels awesome to do anything that brings joy to your LO!

    I know of lot of my colleagues who've sent their babies to India, for some it's more than a year, their first b'days celebrated in India while parents are here in the US. What kind of life is that? I particularly know of a working couple who had a girl child. When that baby was 6 months old, she was sent to India and is now being taken care of by the girl's parents. It's now 1.5 yrs and the parents are still here while their child is in India. Do they even realize on how much they've missed? Watching your child grow is such a wonderful feeling......those milestones they reach...the joy when they crawl, walk....and that smile which lights up your days and nights.....OMG! They are missing so much!

    Please enlighten me as to what are the reasons why this is done....maybe I'll feel better to know that there are some genuine practical reasons for doing so.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
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  2. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Priya,
    Everyone will have their own reasons. It is better not to be judgemental. Ofcourse they know what they might be missing. They might be left with no choice or they might have felt it is a better choice to be under the direct care of their parents. We cannot automatically pass comments like 'what kind of life is that?'. The separated mom & dad will know the pain of separation better than you & me discussing it on online forums. Those parents would have taken this tough decision in the best interest of their children. Grandparents do make better parents too although they cannot substitute parents. Let us not hurt those parents' feelings. I know you did not mean to but just my concern as following posts may pass judgemental comments on those parents.
    Enjoy your motherhood and the time off! :thumbsup
     
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  3. soumya234

    soumya234 Platinum IL'ite

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    For most part, its financial reason to have a better life.Not just in US, even in India I have friends who leave their kids with IL or Mom since they have to work at a different place. But since within India, they get to meet their kids often.

    I really feel bad for a friend whose DH is in US for a project for more than a year,she is in India working in a city(Govt.job-so not easy to change jobs) and their 7-8 month old son is with her IL's in a different city.Even we had to be like that since my mom was working.So obviously choices.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
  4. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed. Though I have personally known a couple of cases where parents have been nothing but lazy/irresponsible, and have burdened grandparents big time for extended periods. On the otherhand, there were some genuine cases as well. So, very difficult to generalize without knowing the specifics clearly.
     
  5. curiousgal

    curiousgal Bronze IL'ite

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    Ok...I dont think I meant anything in a derogatory manner.

    When I said, "what kind of life is that?", I meant what kind of life is that being away from kids....meaning how tough it is.

    I do understand that in some cases it is purely because of financial reasons, but I've seen lot of cases where the couple is doing financially well (ofcourse, only based on how they've themselves projected their lifestyle to be and based on what they've shared with me) and still they do this.

    All said and done, it is their life and they have every right to do that.

    But you are right mstrue, I should not be passing judgemental remarks on these folks just because I am not in agreement with them.

    To each his own
     
  6. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

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    Curiousgal,

    I take that you are referring to hale and hearty parents who seem to belong to middle/upper middle class, making a decent living in India or abroad ,still take the fatal decision of leaving their kids with grandparents, where we are ruling out financial or health implications.The top three reasons that I can think of are

    Fear - Yes , fear of losing a life (if they are working) which is very reasonable.Many fear that they may not be able to make a comeback in career having a gap of few years.Hence though it is painful yet they decide to sacrifice the joy of parenting for a year at a cost not completely unworthy.

    Care- There are people out there especially first time parents who are greenhorns when it comes to nurturing new borns.They prefer to raise their kids with aid ( moms, grandmoms) who can guide them but the extreme scenario would be where they have to hand over the child if they are geographically apart.Even tougher to fathom and comprehend the reason but somewhere there is a tinge of validity.

    Stability - Yes the most important aspect of the ambience needed to raise a new born is a stable environment.With couples travelling , studying , work commitments , relocations it would be tough to lead a marital life lest a life of a parent.When the atmosphere in a house is not suitable to raise a young one in the best interests of the child , the parents again side the grandparents who are more than willing to quell their empty nest syndrome.Yes , yes I know why have a child but then things aren't always as they seem or look to be.Everyone has their own reasons for doing and as this thread is only meant to discuss the various reasons that the parents take this heartwrenching extreme step, I do not want to detour and discuss why have a kid.

    That is a very thoughtful discussion pulpit that you have created here in IL .Great stuff ! :thumbsup

    P.S: There is nothing derogatory or hurtful in what you have posted.We all understand your intention and curiosity:crazy behind it.It is a open discussion forum and feel free to post your views/opinions.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
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  7. DDC

    DDC Silver IL'ite

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    I second OP - if you cant be there for your child, dont have one until you can. I am not being judgemental, just calling a rat a rat. Unless you will be starving your child by (in the worst case)quitting your job there can be no excuse. In most cases money drives these decisions- not saying the parents are greedy, maybe bad money management, loans etc etc. Having the kid in a different city in India is different- its bad but not as bad as living 2 continents away & visiting once in 2 years. Next time the child will ask "who is this uncle & aunt?" Arent the GPs convinient long-term daycares ? What if the child doesnt want to come back?
    Having a baby just makes you a biological parent, being there for them makes you mom/dad. Enough said!
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
  8. fudge

    fudge Senior IL'ite

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    Hi curiousgirl, Interesting thread but quite a delicate one!!...I also personally feel mstrue is right. We cannot just say 'if you can't raise a kid don't have a kid' because for some people situation forces them to leave their kid in India. In your case you mentioned that you are on 1 year leave with no pay that is quite lucky and not everyone is that lucky with job. Its either you work or quit. Many parents don't want to leave their kid in daycare which is quite valid(again point of view differs) and for some they get pregnant again. When you are pregnant and with an active kid running around trust me its no Joke. I personally know many parents who left their kids with their Parents/Inlaws and how much they miss them and feel for it is unbearable. So with all due respect to the suffering parents away from their kids lets not just pass comments/statements.
     
  9. DDC

    DDC Silver IL'ite

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    Fudge:As one of the few people dissenting(or perhaps the only one) I had to clarify.
    Let me start off by saying Im not attacking you personally just cos Im quoting you. It defeats the purpose of this forum if we were to only post if we agreed with majority opinion. Not agreeing with someone doesnt automatically mean you are being judgemental.
    In OP's case she chooses to loose one year of pay that is her choice not luck. Being a parent means being responsible for your child not chucking that responsibility to the GP at first problem. We Indians send the kid to India cos we can. How come the single parents here struggle & manage & dont even think about sending their kids somehwere? Because that option is not available to them, so since the option is available to us, we choose to take the easy way out. I am talking here of normal single parents not druggies whose kids are raised by GPs.

    So the parents who send the child to India make a choice & should have the guts to say "ya we made a choice, it was gut wrenching but it was still our choice".
     
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  10. fudge

    fudge Senior IL'ite

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    Nope you got me wrong DDC. I do accept this is a public forum and everyone have their own views. I think how we express it also matters. What I meant was lets not pass comments like "don't have a kid if you can't take care of one". I am 100% sure there are so many moms out their in this forum who must have sent their kids to India. As this is a public forum I thought it would be better if we refrain from statements like those [For some reason when I read those words it was very crude..I don't know whether it's just me or others also felt it ]
     

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