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Why do DH's always bring wife's parents into aruguments?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nk1, Apr 30, 2011.

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  1. Apr 30, 2011 #1
    nk1

    nk1 New IL'ite

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    Hi All

    I am a regular visitor for this site. I wanted ask all the IL's whether their DH brings the wife's parents into the discussion whenever they have an argument?

    I have already stated in my earlier posts that my DH abuses me and my family a lot. After so many arguments he has stopped beating me but, he abusement is still the same. I have put on 5kg of weight after my marraige and keeps questioning me about that daily. In fact he was 85kg at the time of our marriage and is now 130 kg. He doesn't maintain good relationship with my parents but whenever we have an arguments he brings their topic inbetween and abuses them very badly. He rang my father and questioned him several times about my weight the question goes like this "why has ur daughter put on 5 kg of weight after marriage and why doesn't the wedding saree blouse fit her now"?

    won't a girl's body change after the wedding? If u have read in my previous posts you would know that he doesn't allow me to speak to his parents or visit them whenever i go to india? He has not visited his parents since 4 years. His abusement is becoming worst. My parents are also suffering a lot because of his behaviour.

    He doesn't speak anything about SED which is XXX, excersie and diet. Those three are the only topics to him. He is a gem of a person for all his friends but he is not the same person to me.

    My parents have done whatever they have demanded for during the wedding, infact he doesn't have sisters but we were forced to give adapaduchu katnam to his brothers daughter who is treated like a daughter of the house and she even gives the arathi to my inlaws like a daughter. she is just 15yrs.
    I never discussed all these topics with him because i know no dh would tolerated anything against his parents but why should a wife tolerate all the abusement against her parents.

    He kept threatning me about D since 2 years and also emailed about this to his family members. I do not have any contacts with his family members. I was forbidden since the begining. I asked my parents to stop contacting them as they were being humiliated every time.He wants me to earn money and he will enjoy life as a house husband.

    Is it my fate to get married to such a guy who doesn't know how to respect a wife. Thank god i don't have kids. Please give suggestions.
     
    nk1, Apr 30, 2011
    nk1, Apr 30, 2011
    #1
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  2. Apr 30, 2011 #2
    billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Find a job and walk out on him.
     
    billybob, Apr 30, 2011
    billybob, Apr 30, 2011
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  3. Apr 30, 2011 #3
    SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its easier to beat down wife with words....just by draggingher parents into the conversation/argument...because they are the weak point for any child...and if someone talks crap about them...any kid would get emotional and upset and angry...and if someone wants to see you that way...thats how they get it...by dragging parents into fights. just because they cant win argument in other ways.

    Next thing..whats wrong in you working and standing up for yourself?? Whats your idea behind living with this guy?
    Are you planning to go the old way of having kids with him to ensure the marriage is alive and he learns his lesson?

    Start hunting for a job
    Ask him to stay at home
    Give him his own medicine.
    If he doesnt agree and still is making your life hell...better walk out before you have a kid and forever buried under this nonsense.
     
    SriVidya75, Apr 30, 2011
    SriVidya75, Apr 30, 2011
    #3
  4. Apr 30, 2011 #4
    puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP

    I dont see any reason to stay with him....
    Just look for a job as others said, go away and live your life in a better way....
    No need to stick to a person who asks about wife's blouse to her father....
     
    puspita, Apr 30, 2011
    puspita, Apr 30, 2011
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  5. May 1, 2011 #5
    Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    No one's going to give you a Nobel Peace Prize if you continue living in your so-called marriage! Get a job and get the hell away from that guy as fast as possible!
     
    Umlaut, May 1, 2011
    Umlaut, May 1, 2011
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  6. May 1, 2011 #6
    satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Something does not seem right with this guy. He seems to be having some psychiatric problem, if he gets abusive about your parents, doesn't talk to his own family, keeps merrily putting on weight and asks your parents about 5 kgs which you have put on after marriage. He needs urgent psychiatric treatment.

    I don't know if you can convince him to see one. Reading your details, I doubt very much so. You say he used to beat you too. Why are you with this guy in the first place?

    Just get the hell out of his house, find yourself a job and start life afresh. Next time he uses the "D" word, tell him he can gladly have it and it is your privilege to give it to him. You certainly owe it to yourself to lead a happier life.
     
    satchitananda, May 1, 2011
    satchitananda, May 1, 2011
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  7. May 3, 2011 #7
    babycorn

    babycorn Silver IL'ite

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    Please get out of this life.Why is he discussing your weight with your parents?Why is going to them like a small kid?It is the high time you get out of this guy.
     
    babycorn, May 3, 2011
    babycorn, May 3, 2011
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  8. May 3, 2011 #8
    nk1

    nk1 New IL'ite

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    Hi All

    Thanks for the replies. I know that i have stand for myself. I am in a full time temporary job since 2 years. My DH earns 5x of my salary so it is difficult to pay all the bills if i am working alone.

    I am also doing my higher studies here and also take care of the household work. He doesn't help me in any work.The only thing he does is sitting for hours together in front of the laptop. He is very short tempered person who does not want to listen to anyone. Initially i thought it is only with me he behaves like that but when i visited his family once with him i knew he behaves in the same way with them.

    @satchitananda

    i know there is something wrong going with him, i tried to convince him to take to a psychiartist or a marriage counsellor but he is not allowing me to speak anything. He just keeps on abusing me and my parents. My mom has become a bed-ridden patient because of his abusement.

    He is the only one who earns lot of money in his family and everyone has taken huge amount of money (in crores) from him and when he questioned about it every one is denying it. I knew about this from a third party as he doesn't share anything with me.

    I also want to know if a man is impotent does he behave like this. I googled on the net but could not get the exact answer. He is having fertility problems.

    He was a very good guy in the initial years for 3 years. He used to speak nicely with my parents. There is change in his behaviour since last two years. I am trying to find out what is the exact cause for his change.

    I don't want to regret in future that i didn't try my level best to change him. I am very confused.

    My parents are very supportive to me and i can also stand up for myself by getting a permanent job.
     
    nk1, May 3, 2011
    nk1, May 3, 2011
    #8
  9. May 3, 2011 #9
    SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Good thought....but what is level best as per you?? how many years???

    I dont mean to say that you have to rush...but sometimes you have to take a stock at what happened in the past...and see how your future is gonna be...you are scared to even talk to this guy and you are talking about he might have fertility issues...and incase lets think if he had such issues...will he be ready to go for treatment? will he be ready to talk it out in the open?

    As far as bills are concerned etc, you can live in a PG accomodation or share a room /apt and manage incase if you have to come out of his house...

    Sure...try your level best..but remember where is the enough point!!!! And for you to know that..the moment you open your mouth...your husband will show his true self...and you keep taking it in the name of trying to keep up the marriage and trying level best.

    Put down your foot. TEll him openly that these are your issues....he has to talk/discuss..and if he starts arguing/fighting/name calling..step away..and then think and decide....

    You can really work on marriage and make improvements....when both spouses are ready discuss and accept each others mistakes and promise to make improvements and work towards it...and if only one is doing the above...and the other feels they are god and they wont and cant make any mistakes and they are perfect...how do you plan to talk to such a person???
     
    SriVidya75, May 3, 2011
    SriVidya75, May 3, 2011
    #9
  10. May 3, 2011 #10
    Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    nk1 your story is just sooooo similar to mine :-( !!
    You wont be able to earn well unless you have a technical background or a degree from US....for that you have to be focused on your studies...

    Please convert your program to full time....and drop the household chores..let him ramble and rant if he wants to...but just leave it....let the laundry be...!...and make food for yourself..or order from outside...assert to him your assignments are more imprtant than doing his dirty dishes !.If you need to study at night/morning ...and then if it means you wont be able to make his breakfats then let it be!!....

    I did the same...and I felt some guilt too..(because we women feel so conditioned to be our husband's maids)....but since its converting into good grades for me..it all seems to make sense!!

    Do it and you'll feel good!!!! When he complains/taunts....dont feel guilty ....just let him feel frustrated...its not your problem!!....Trust me I am doing it..and I have learnt to enjoy my life which was tragic/abused once upon a time!...
     
    Reflection123, May 3, 2011
    Reflection123, May 3, 2011
    #10
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