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Why can't I stop loving him, missing him,after all he did to me..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by goldenfairy, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. goldenfairy

    goldenfairy New IL'ite

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    My husband and I are now separated for 4 months, cause of domestic violence, cheating, back-stabbing, threatening, mass attack (11-15 members)on me and my mom-dad,by his relatives, and him being emotionally,physically,economically abusive, as I've describe the whole thing in my earlier post.

    I have been married for about 1 years before we separated. During this 1 year I was underestimated, used to put me down in whatever i do and always talked about me to his family behind my back, made feel im not worthy, made me feel bad about my body, verbally abused and was told i cant take a joke and yet I miss him,and not the bad things he did-why is this happening to me? I miss him so much.
    It was like,me seeing him and him only for the whole (1) year, cause I was isolated in US. He never introduced me to people or friends. So it was like just He and me for 345 days (precisely saying). My world was spinning around him. Caring, cooking, doing stuffs for him to make him happy,wakin up in the morning preparin breakfast/lunch for him, pressing his clothes..etc. Waiting for him till evening so that when he returns from work we can have dinner together. (and end up fighting, cause he won't talk to me after returning from work)

    Why I am I still missing him? It's very becoming hard for me to deal with this and I am spending at least 3-4 night a week crying to sleep. I don't understand why do I still love this man so much. He never cared for me.
     
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  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    It is a confusion most people have when they come out of a relationship...it is not that you miss him...it is that you grieve for the loss of your dreams of which he was an integral part. It is disappointment.
     
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  3. bubblygal

    bubblygal Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    A big hug to you!I havent read your earlier posts but from this post itself i can say you have gone through a lot!From what you say your dh just confined you to him and you had a tough life being emotionally dependant on him!
    Now that you are way from him physically emotionally still you mind wanders towards him!I would say sit down calm down and try to think about what has happened to youu, how you have changed for the better or for the worst!I think you are still emotionally dependant on him hence its depressing for you!Get up girl look around find people who make you happy, your parents, friends!Be with people who can make you happy dont sit alone move out make friends be with loads of people always that way you dnt get time to think about your dh !See to it that you are busy doing something,what the point thinking about someone who doesnt care for you?Its easier said than done, but you have to take your first step, take it and then life will unfold better things!
    All the best!
     
  4. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    because you are a good person, and people like you deserve to be loved back, not people like him. So you must collect yourself and pull yourself out of it---because you need to make some space in your heart, so that someone who really deserves your love can enter into it, who can love you with all his heart and also be loved by you.

    by the way....get your ex husband arrested...that should be the priority--and also start making plans to settle your life separate from him.
     
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  5. Maddy2087

    Maddy2087 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    First of all a very big hug to you. I relate to you very well because i have seen the same days in my life. I know what you are going through and you are still saying that you miss him a lot. It happens because you are still showing the victims syndrome which will gradually erase if you start analyzing logically . Please listen to me.. just don't act emotional but think with brain.This heart will confuse you to the core and might also compel you to go back to him which is not good because he might use this chance to treat you worse than what you have already undergone. Ask these questions to yourself every second every minute :

    1)Do i deserve such a behavior from my husband ?
    2)Whats my purpose in life ?
    3)Does a presence of abuser in my life mean more than the presence of loving parents?
    4)How will i feel if he abuses me in front of my children(if you plan to go back to him) ?
    5)what values will your kids receive in such a toxic environment ?
    6)Are you so weak to not manage this life without an uncaring,brutal,beastly human being.
    7)Do you really see any love and affection in his eyes ?

    Please start erasing thoughts from your heart that you are missing him because i know your mind will keep bringing the truth in front of you that you will never be happy with him. Don fall for illusions because the truth is he is a worthless and thankless person. Buck up girl. You are beautiful in whatever way god has made you and you don need an abuser to make you feel worthy of yourself. Life is too short and you have many good things to see in life. You have a bright future . Stop crying because your tears are giving him courage to trouble you more. Its time to fight back act smart and teach this beast a lesson and if you want to know what i have undergone and done you may read my story.

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/213689-bad-marriage-but-life-still.html

    Because in such a phase one tends to seek peace only with people who have walked on the same shoes. You are a good person and only good things will happen with you from now on. Be courageous and see how wonderful things come to you automatically. Erase him like a bad dream(I know its difficult but not impossible). My best wishes with you always :)

    Hugsss to you again . You are a brave girl. Dont worry.
     
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  6. RadiantFlower

    RadiantFlower Platinum IL'ite

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    Please seek immediate counselling from a professional - it's natural to suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) after everything that he must have put you through.

    *hugs*
     
  7. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with teacher! Talk to people who've come out of bad relationships (in real life). I know people who left jobs on breaking-up, struggled to cope with the loss of the loved one, spiralled out of control in love, pained by the lose of that love only to realize what was it all worth at the end. It pains but not to the extent that kills you of regret later for letting your life slip in front of you. Seriously ...network, talk, open up, meet people, discuss, and realize what you got is something that many are dying to have - age, parents on your side, chance to still survive and above all beautiful life ahead !!

    You are not believing what you are seeing but seeing what you believe in! Get a grip of reality before it is too late. Good luck!
     
  8. KilaliAnju

    KilaliAnju Guest

    stockholm syndrome..... google that please.... i think it will explain you some of your feelings (you lived like a hostage! and you are having sympathy and feelings for him, please please please please get out of it and dont think u are not normal, it IS a normal psychological reaction in form of a surviving technique!!!)

    I agree with the others that talking to a councellor would be good idea in your case and might be very very helpfull to get over it, there are self-help and support groups for victims of domestic violence.. there you can talk to others who have been through similar torture.
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Give yourself time and you will forget him and remember just the atrocities inflicted on you.
    One is not equipped to switch on and off at whim, you stayed with him and gave him your 100% .Generally the question one asks is why me?
    There is also the feeling of insecurity and doubts about the future, grief.
    Start some physical activity , so that you are tired enough to fall asleep as soon as you hit the bed.
    Talking about your experience is also healing.
    You can pray , read self help books , be active instead of curling up with your grief.
    Men generally do not experience this intense sadness as they carry on their routine while the wife is uprooted from her marital home.
    See a counselor if possible .
    Take care.
     
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  10. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    You are confused between love and your fear to face the society alone.You just need him for the sake of society.And you are dependent on this abusive room-mate because you are used to the abuses now , emotionally dependent on him and feel that he should be the one for you.You feel leaving him will make your life empty and the society will abuse you.You are just scared.Wake up ,girl!If there is love you would not have cribbed in a open forum.
     

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