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Why are Sons treated unfairly and like ATM machines?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Grihani, Sep 18, 2014.

  1. kvinde

    kvinde Senior IL'ite

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    My MIL treated my DH the same way for over a decade now although she has no daughter but one more son. Even after marriage my DH was emotionally blackmailed and all his earnings were manipulated by his parents and brother. Even a slight delay in sending them money would result in lots of emails (no phone calls as they are stingy when it comes to making ISD calls). My DH was literally under pressure. He had to pay EMIs for the independent house they are staying in, plus the house tax and a whooping amount of monthly house expenditure. Not a single penny was demanded from my brother in law as he is a younger one. He is younger just by a year. Once we had such a huge financial crisis that my husband had to literally plead my brother in law to give him sometime to wire transfer the money but that jack ass said "Itna hi problem hain toh Shadi Kyun Kiya? Aur teri biwi ko ab tak naukri kyun nahin mila?". They think living abroad is a cakewalk. They think that we are rich crorepati so giving them few lakhs a month will not make a hole in our pocket. It was also a time when I was afraid of talking to them on phone as they always used to ask me whether I got the job or not so that they'll get extra money. Not once they enquired about their son or my health or the challenges we are facing in an alien land. Slowly I stopped talking to them.

    My DH broke down and I was helpless. I felt like thrashing those people for treating him inhumanly like an ATM machine. We had to break our savings account and give them the money. And every year when we went home the greedy MIL used to demand gold and nag me to give some money to my brother in law as he is taking care of them. Later she openly started asking my husband to provide extra money to my brother in law. We didn't gave him extra as we already financing them beyond our capacity. Otherwise with all those money we would have purchased two more properties. Her greediness simply drained my DH to loose his trust in motherly love. He was emotionally shaken...my FIL, though a nice man, manipulated all my DH's earnings under the pressure of his other son and wife.

    Despite our huge financial contribution when we used to visit home we were not allow to enter kitchen or cook or even wash our own clothes. All due to my MIL's obsessive, compulsive disorder. There was a time when my FIL and BIL used to wash my under garments. I wasn't aware of it. I was under the impression that the maid is doing all that. But one fine day I caught them drying it and folding it. When I told my DH he was helpless and asked me to turn blind eyes. For me it was a huge violation of privacy. So I started washing myself. Later this faggot BIL used to enter our bedroom in our absence and fold all our clothes and undergarments. When I confronted him through my husband he didn't get it. He made it a huge thing...despite our repeated warnings he kept doing it. Finally we started locking our bedroom door while going out. He became so damn angry that every day he started breaking one part of the lock. He is unstoppable when it comes to creating trouble for us. Finally we went and brought a new lock and this time warned him firmly and sternly that if he breaks this new lock then he and his mother will be kicked out of this house. Finally our patience level hit the rock bottom and we found our voice or rather my DH found his voice with my support. This reality check was needed for my in laws. But this also made my insecure BIL to sell my FIL's property without our knowledge and put those money in his bank. Never ever saw a greedy person like him. Despite all these, my DH treats him fairly and shower him with gifts on his birthdays. And this guy on the contrary never even wished us on our birthdays or anniversaries which usually fall during our visit to India. Not once he gave us any gift. My DH somestimes shows that he is angry with his brother but he continues to have a soft corner for him. I wish he truly kicks him out of that home some day soon! He has kept him there because of my ailing FIL.

    In all these the best part is my MIL passed away a few months ago. The terror was put to silent by the nature. Although I felt bad but I must confess that I'm secretly euphoric that she has gone. I can't forget that how much chaos and troubles she had created in our lives. And my faith in God was restored. Nature has it's way of balancing. So all those ladies and gentlemen who are undergoing similiar crisis just hang in on there. The dawn will come in soon :)

    PS I'm so sorry for this long post as well as deviating from the real topic a bit. Just felt like pouring out.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Shweta, I am taking your question at face value. No, you cannot force another person to become financially independent.

    What a woman can do is become financially independent herself. Once she is bringing in money, or has the ability to bring it in, and can start doing so at short notice, she and her opinions on all matters including finances are taken more seriously. This is not fair, but it is how it is often in real life.

    What the woman can do is have say over her earnings. Once husband knows she can walk away from the marriage, he will take her opinion seriously. Then, she can work on making him see that he is giving too much to his parents. Then, there are other methods like tying up money in investments, having less dispensable money lying around.

    Like it or not - that is how it often is. If a woman is earning, she has more say in the family finances. Is it fair? No. It is like how at work the employees working from home have a disadvantage. They might be contributing as much, if not more as the employees who are physically present at work, but the work-from-home ones get passed up for good projects, promotions and get lower raises.

    And listing all that the woman does at home is not of much use. That same is accomplished by families where both man and woman work.

    Dealing with a lazy SIL and getting others to recognize her laziness is difficult if one is oneself not earning. Not fair, I agree.
     
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  3. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana dear for taking out time..
    Each and every word you wrote is nothing but true..
    I guess its my destiny.Have tried to convince her in all possible ways but no use.
    Even took her to my office a couple of times so that she gets motivated seeing how much respect one gets there..But noshakehead

    I left job for some months when I was taking care of my newborn and I missed the paycheque and also the feeling of confidence and empowerment..
    Even when I am earning,its difficult to make them understand..
    Wish I can ever make her understand..
    thanks again
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2014
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  4. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    By the way I am earning if you thought otherwise:thumbsup:Bow:
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Shweta,
    Your SIL and MIL are no doubt at fault for being so greedy. Unfortunately they have been enabled by your DH (and his brother, if I remember right). If they had put their foot down from the get-go, things may have been much different. They did not do any favors to your SIL since she has not made an effort to become independent, and you are paying the price for this.
    A lot of women with kids get divorced and move on with their lives, supporting themselves without financial assistance.
    It is still not too late to put a limit on all this, but the people supplying the funds for this lavish lifestyle will have to take that step.
     
  6. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Interesting thread! So am i to infer that sons get all the faux love from their parents for all the money they want from their sons??!! thinkingsmiley
     
  7. Subhadra13

    Subhadra13 New IL'ite

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    This article reflects the societal attitude in many families. I have seen this happen in many families in South India. It's not clear who is the author of this but the points are clearly brought out. I would like to add few points in this context. Such men often ask their sisters to get out of their lives after both the parents die. Becoz they r doing all that to their sister not for her sake (or becoz that act of helping is morally correct or duty) but not to hurt his parents. Why is the daughter taking such unfair advantage ? The parents have to tell her clearly n set the limits. There is a clear mismatch of goals in the family. The goals of the parents have to be aligned with their son n his family becoz the son is providing n staying with them. What is the daughter's husband doing? Is it not his duty to take care of the needs of his wife n kids. After all, during marriage,vows r taken by the husband to take care of his wife n kids (certainly no such commitment is made as part of marriage by the brother of the Bride). It's not clear if the son has got any children in this article. There r families were the mother n sister brainwash the son/brother not to have children as he might start focussing on wife n children. If the man doesn't focus on his wife n children now then when his parents r gone n when he grows old who will take care of him? Will the man's sister's children to whom he is providing now will take care? ???. No, they will not, they will suddenly remember that they have a father. For spending money they remember their maternal uncle. (History vouches for this fact in families). Taking care of parents doesn't mean NOT caring for the future of his wife n children. If he cannot secure the future of his own self, wife n kids then he should not have married at the first place. Now that he got married better he realizes his duty toward his wife n children.


    This attitude of parents is making many sons not to take care of them. It's not difficult to take care of the comforts of two old persons. But the taking are of accessories -- that is sisters of the father n his own sisters n the respective families for decades is the difficult part.


    Even if the DIL is earning n is financially independent, she has no say, even her money will also be used for spending by the parent in laws on religious ceremonies, festivals, and on their daughter's family.


    Checking the background before marriage is difficult because they will present as if the Daughter n her family r staying separately.


    Even when the son is going through a financial crisis they don't care.


    Tradition has prescribed certain duties to be done by the son of the house towards his sister which r pretty much limited---in Hindus, once a daughter is married she is invited by her to one festival in the first year of marriage, during Ashaad month the daughter goes n stays with her parents in the first year of marriage; the daughter's first baby delivery n naming ceremony happen at the parents house sometimes the second also n the expenses r borne by the daughter's father or brother, when the daughter gets her children married then a set of new clothes r given by the maternal uncle, when the parent in laws die , during the ceremony clothes r given by maternal family of the DIL, when the husband dies the daughter is brought home for a couple of days n sent back with new clothes. Apart, from these not many demands r placed by religion or tradition.


    Some solutions:
    1) Turn a deaf year to their Demands don't give, if u don't have, tell them if u get money on loan then the creditors will come n sit in the home, they may threaten to do harm to the old people in the house or they may harm the son's children or Sister in laws children.
    2)Tell the husband, Be your sister's brother but don't try to do what rightfully your sister's husband should be doing. Plz understand the difference between brother n husband. Don't behave as if ur the father of ur sister's children.
    3) Why do ur sister n her children think of u while asking for money n when we ask for any money or help they remember husband n father respectively.
    4) make ur husband to focus on his children's needs instead of on others. Tell him ur children are ur future not ur Sister's children.
    5) Remind ur husband that religious duty towards sister is limited there is no need to give in to all demands of her through the parents.
    6)Tell ur in laws we kept this money for your medical emergency, now u have taken it for ur daughter, so no money for your need. May be u can ask ur daughter for money when u require.
    7)Leave ur parent in laws in the care of ur sister in law for few days without giving much money may be they will see true colors of ur SIL
    8)If ur parent in laws write a Will to give a share of property to ur sis in law then ask them very politely n subtly if they r planning to go n stay with SIL in their last days.
    9)Don't give the property to ur SIL after the death of the parent in laws, keep the bills of huge expenses u incurred on ur in laws, in case ur SIL wants to go to court , if elders in the community ask u can say u looked after them so the property is urs.
    10)start creating rift between ur husband n his parents very subtly, when ever they ask for money show them that ur husband is very much troubled, or he had to forego something which he wanted to buy. Say if the loan cannot be paid then he may be put in prison. Say that ur husband feels that his parents don't care for him as much as they care for their daughter, show to ur husband the difference ur in laws show in treating his children n his sister's children etc






     
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Partiality in any form is wrong be it men or women, hopefully today's parents will avoid these kind of selfish/exploitative attitude.
     
  9. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Sons are not only ATM machines but a default care taker in their old age, my husband was born nearly 8 years after his older sister, the other sister is almost 12 years older than him, so when he was born his parents were relieved that their old age is totally secured. He was pampered by his parents and siblings to such an extent that he emotionally felt that his family is ultimate even greater than God, his oldest sister even sponsored his higher education which he eventually returned while he was earning but that help she did had an deep impact on him, which she cleverly used for her benefit, all were a family except me, I was not accepted and never involved in anything let it be whether buying a furniture for the house or investing on a property. FIL would cleverly invest in insurance and other mutual funds for which my husband use to pay huge EMI's but the nominees will also include his daughters, and DH thought he was only doing his duty, for your information both the ladies are well settled no in laws and living in neutral families, when I was newly married both my SIL's had school going kids in-spite of being busy in their lives they use to control my Dh through phone calls, but never even called their parents to their place not even for a short stay, as its the Sons responsibility.
     
  10. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are buffalos treated as milk machines?... because they are bred for that reason...so they are thus fed, coaxed and milked.

    Any person can achieve this with another person(with any gender)...if one makes sure the other is innocent/ stupid enuf. Sounds harsh?... but hey this is the 'unconditional love' that we know of!

    PS:Having kids means God has given us yet another tremendous oppurtunity to give and receive experience unconditional love...many of us here do understand it and I am hoping all this ignorance of coaxing kids to love and take care cropping out of insecurity will change....To see genuine love and care without calculating future perks (parents) and without guilt or need of validation ( kids)will be refreshing... The Joy!
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2019
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