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Why are Sons treated unfairly and like ATM machines?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Grihani, Sep 18, 2014.

  1. RADIODOC679

    RADIODOC679 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op!
    Exactly my 2 cents.Same situation in my mom's house-My dad was emotinally blackmailed into leaving his good job & taking care of unmarried sister.he totally neglected us in the bargain-Thankfully with God's grace somehow we came up in life-Mom's life was screwed.Till now these ra picchakaris(night beggars) my 2 aunts have always some or the other complaints-Both have mutliple houses in each metro-Both have(God knows how ) loving, well earning hubbies,no Inlaw troubles,Globe trotting every month.& still cheated us of our rightful share in the property-Never gave me/my brother even 5paisa worth chocolate or bought anything for my mom& dad .But demand like mad during every festival!!!!Even when my dad was sick& hospitalised
    -not once did those 2 rakshasis call& enquire-forget visiting,My mom practically was an ayah for their pregnancies,abortions,deliveries,& also hysterectomies.Until alive my father's mom extracted every single rupee form my dad saying this or that-never gave a single rupee as house expenses though she was getting 1lac rupees per month as interest alone!!!Even after my marriage my fate is the same-THANKFULLY I HAVE NO SIL(chose one carefully having no real sisters)but MIL treats son like ATM-going abroad- iwant this phone etc...Ever since he is jobless,she does'nt call-She's scared we might latch onto her & suck her money out(its the truth -she let the cat out of her bag)
    When i saw this post my blood literally boiled& clotted also-There is no justice !!!Or justice is always denied!!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
  2. Richi1987

    Richi1987 New IL'ite

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    hey

    I am from a north Indian family & a very well raised girl with the full freedom & with all the best facilities. the things which you are talking about is with my in laws too.. Although i am blessed with the best husband who loves me a lot but in understanding all these things he is very naive. His mother treats him so bad aur sometimes just talk with chaashni just for her benefits. my DH is working from 6 years now but he has not saved any money for himself, given all the money to his parents in the name of his education loan, sister's education loan, for the sister's wedding & to his parent's for buying a new property & he is not allowed to ask anything about the money. she talks in a very bad manner with him & always curse him unnecessarily.

    From the day 1 i entered in the house i tried to accept them but they always behaved like a bad IL's. they failed all my attempts of accepting them as a family. she keeps on talking bad things about my family. she dont like if i talk or spend time with my family. my mil & sil are like devils in house. they keep on planning conspiracy's against me. My DH sees & understands everything but he always makes me try to understand that i have to forget & forgive them & accept them like this only. They won't change. My MIL has double standards something else for her daughter & for me.
    If she says something or do something its her daughter & if i says or do the same thing i am a very bad outside girl. i am trying to treat them as my family but they are pushing me away. she uses such bad words for me & my family even for his son too. i am raised in a very different environment so i get over emotional on all those things. My MIL makes sure that my DH maintains a lot of distance with my family. My MIL is not a family person & she has never respected any relation in her life & she is trying on me also to break all my relations with my family.

    Being a mother of 2 daughters she can't understand the pain of her DIL & the family. She is so arrogant.
    Y can't she understand such simple things. Y can't she respect her son & admit me as her daughter.

     
  3. Richi1987

    Richi1987 New IL'ite

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    hey

    I am from a north Indian family & a very well raised girl with the full freedom & with all the best facilities. the things which you are talking about is with my in laws too.. Although i am blessed with the best husband who loves me a lot but in understanding all these things he is very naive. His mother treats him so bad aur sometimes just talk with chaashni just for her benefits. my DH is working from 6 years now but he has not saved any money for himself, given all the money to his parents in the name of his education loan, sister's education loan, for the sister's wedding & to his parent's for buying a new property & he is not allowed to ask anything about the money. she talks in a very bad manner with him & always curse him unnecessarily.

    From the day 1 i entered in the house i tried to accept them but they always behaved like a bad IL's. they failed all my attempts of accepting them as a family. she keeps on talking bad things about my family. she dont like if i talk or spend time with my family. my mil & sil are like devils in house. they keep on planning conspiracy's against me. My DH sees & understands everything but he always makes me try to understand that i have to forget & forgive them & accept them like this only. They won't change. My MIL has double standards something else for her daughter & for me.
    If she says something or do something its her daughter & if i says or do the same thing i am a very bad outside girl. i am trying to treat them as my family but they are pushing me away. she uses such bad words for me & my family even for his son too. i am raised in a very different environment so i get over emotional on all those things. My MIL makes sure that my DH maintains a lot of distance with my family. My MIL is not a family person & she has never respected any relation in her life & she is trying on me also to break all my relations with my family.

    Being a mother of 2 daughters she can't understand the pain of her DIL & the family. She is so arrogant.
    Y can't she understand such simple things. Y can't she respect her son & admit me as her daughter.

     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Money can spoil the most precious relationships, including that of parent and child. Parents might have some reasons for behaving like that. Maybe insecurity or fear of who will take care of them in very old age.

    This illtreatment happens for both sons and daughters. We might only notice one kind in our friends and relatives circle though there are examples of both kinds.

    If a grown up person is not able to recognize that he or she is being illtreated and taken advantage of, then it is partly his/her fault also. No one can take continued advantage of you without your permission.

    If you are married to such a person, then, the question arises - did you know this aspect of his/her personality before marriage? If no, why not? How a person handles money, and what are his/her general opinions and attitudes to money is a matter to look into before getting married.
     
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  5. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, it is the insecurity but its also true that in our society a boy is desired only as "Budhape ka sahara", it is taken for granted that he takes the burden of looking after them regardless. I have no problems with that, I am of the opinion that both sons and daughters are responsible for their own parents, not just sons.

    The ill treatment ( money wise) is less towards daughters only because they are brought up as 'Paraya dhan', as responsible towards only their in-laws ..

    I agree, that is why I say the mind is conditioned especially for sons....the minute the son complains, you know how he is labeled...

    NO I did not, it was an arranged marriage. And I was too young to understand or even think about these aspects of life or marriage. I am completely for the responsibility of our parents, their comforts important to us, their health, retirement expenses our responsibilty but.....the way we are taken for granted, the bias, the self centeredness of family is what makes me angry and depressed. My husband gets emotionally blackmailed about this, I try very hard but its very stressful .

    There are many ladies who seem to have the same problems, I am sure they can empathize with me.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You were old enough to get married but too young to understand the basics of compatibility? Even if that was the case, did your parents look into it? Maybe they did and had some idea of the family situation, but found some qualities in the boy that overshadowed the unfavorable financial family dynamics.

    If this nature of your husband was a surprise to all, then, not enough due diligence was done when checking his and family's background and lifestyle.
     
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  7. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Madam, what are you trying to say here? That I should have no complaints just because I willingly or my parents willingly entered into this marriage?
    Do you think one can know about all aspects of a person unless one starts living with them or with the family?? You seem to tell me stop complaining and get along because you have entered into it knowingly or unknowingly. Fine, I have....so, I should just shut up and not think a bit about my life with my husband or my financial future.

    Thank you, great solution, this is what society tells us women..get along or get out if you cannot bend down to the whims and fancies of the in-laws.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I am trying to say that some introspection is needed into the issue - starting with the title itself. The sons are not poor victims of so-called unfair treatment from parents. They are grown adults, with wife and children, who are willingly party to the shenanigans from their parents.

    No, you can complain all you like. But, don't expect all to agree blindly. The husband's job is to provide for the wife and kids, and take care of their basic and other needs and keep their financial future in mind. Beyond that, what he does with the money he earns is mostly up to him. Sorry, but that is how it works in real life if he is the sole breadwinner.

    If the woman is also earning money, she has say over the money she makes. In the Indian family scenario, she can even insist on saving 100% of it for the future and not contribute to the family expenses.

    If the woman is not earning money, then, unfortunately, she has less or no say in what the husband does with the money after providing for wife, kids' basic needs.

    I am not society. I would suggest to the women that they become financially independent, and THEN, work out a system with the husband that both of them agree with. Whatever each makes, a percentage of it he or she can spend as she likes, including giving to parents.

    Here is a great thread on a related topic: http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/183936-every-woman-needs-have-her.html
     
  9. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks, I get told the same by my in-laws too, that I have no say in money matters, he earns so he can spend like he wants on anybody, and since I am being fed, clothed etc I should not complain. In turn, I am the cook, cleaner, nanny, elderly care provider, driver etc etc to all of them. No pay there, just pure service for being fed and clothed. Eternally thankful :)
     
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  10. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,Sorry to deviate from the original issue..
    But Rihana ,can you please please give me tips to convince/persuade/pressurise or even force a lady to become financially independent?Even if not totally,partial contribution will also do..My SIL just sits on her sofa,watches TV whole day,doesn't lift a finger even to take a glass of water-needs all kinds of luxuries in life and though she is educated,she doesn't work.Created a big issue when I tried to motivate her.If she starts earning/working-atleast she'll understand how difficult it is to earn money and maybe she'll become a wise spender,mend her extravagant ways and not suck our blodd day and night..
    Please tell me how can I convince her
     

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