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Why are Sons treated unfairly and like ATM machines?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Grihani, Sep 18, 2014.

  1. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Reposting from blog for your feedback.

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    We often talk about girls being treated badly in Indian society but in my experience I have seen a number of boys (and men) who are manipulated and misused more so by their own family members for selfish reasons.

    They are raised and brainwashed from childhood to be faithful to their parents and be their as providers and nothing else. The education, the extra-care they give to boys is only in this hope, and the rules set for his wife, the DIL, is just an extension of this mentality. They fear the son will stop providing them and their family (read as daughters and her family) and hence start controlling his thoughts and his life from childhood.

    I do not know if this is a south-Indian mentality, but I have rarely seen any discrimination when bringing up girls, in fact they are loved and cared for a lot more than boys and it continues to a larger extent even after they are married. It is the boys who are restricted, controlled and disciplined a lot more. The parents do not mind having N number of daughters as long as they have one son as ‘Budhape ka sahara’.

    In my in-laws family, all the discrimination you talk about is only for the Son. My husband, the son is just the provider whose job is to have a constant supply of funds regardless of what it is for. It is so ‘normal’ an expectation it does not matter to them how the son provides as long as the parents, the daughter and her family are kept happy. My husband & I have had our share of financial troubles, some which the family is aware of, but nothing has mattered to them, they talk in a supportive manner when it suits them but their expectations from us continues at other times, this despite my in-laws being financially secure. No questions can be asked when they feel the ‘need’.

    I do not understand why this is rarely talked about in our society. It is so very unfair. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives? Doesn’t his wife and kids have the first right to his earnings? Aren’t they the first priority?

    Along with this, there is always a fear in these parents that the son might care for his wife’s family similarly. Hence all the ‘jamai‘ kind of attitude is taught to the sons, my husband is manipulated and has always been kept away from getting close to my parents. I am always blamed for showing ‘extra-care & love’ to my parents instead of my in-laws.

    The daughter, my sister-in-law on the other hand rules the roost, still demands whatever she wants from her parents, and the person who has to meet these demands is their son. My husband refuses to deny that in the fear of ‘hurting’ his family. He has been brainwashed into believing that the only reason he has to even earn is to make their lives comfortable and happy. His family does not stop reminding me & my husband how we need to save for their medical expenses in the future, and how the daughter has to be cared for, provided for and given her due share in property even after they are gone. There is no such similar caring and concern shown for their son and daughter-in-law.

    My husband has been there for them financially for over two decades, denying himself of acquiring any property of his own, always considering his family house as his own, his family’s needs as the major priority and now there is talks of giving away part of the little property to the daughter because it is her ‘right by law’. My in-laws emotionally blackmailed us against acquiring anything on our own, and I now realize it is because they feared the son will move separate and not be there during their last days.

    Why are Sons treated like ATM machines? They are expected to give away all their savings as ‘duty’ and parents have no hesitation taking it from them, but when it comes to giving the son anything in any little form it is seen as a big deal? My sis-in-law has always been given anything she demands after marriage from clothes, to house hold items to jewelry to everything that she thinks is of need but even an occasional saree given to me is always mentioned like a favor done though it was bought with my husband’s earnings!

    I am very disturbed about denying me & my husband the right to property even though we are the sole-providers to this family and will be there till the end. But I have no voice in this whole matter though it is my life that will be affected. I am made to feel like ‘a not well-raised girl’ who interferes in the family affairs and a typical daughter-in-law who prevents their daughter from getting her due share.

    Sorry about the ranting, am just frustrated to see the unfair discrimination, where the husband and I have no say in any household matters except be seen as a constant source of never diminishing funds .

    I consider myself a fair, non-judgmental, co-operative person but I am disgusted and disappointed with how manipulative, self-centered this world is.



     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
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  2. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree, it is very unfair on boys.

    Girls are loved and cherished till the day they are married and sometimes even after that, but poor boys have to be on themselves as soon as they finish college.

    I felt the difference when I was in my final year of college.

    We girls were also preparing for our entrance exams etc, but in a relaxed manner. Whereas for the guys, you could easily sense their pressure, they were really feeling the heat of it.

    It is something which is ingrained in our minds from ages, and it will take some time to change.

    Just the way a DIL is seen as someone who should always serve the family and keep everyone happy, the same way a boy is expected to provide financially for the family's needs.

    A girl is treasured and cherished in her mother's home, and made to work at her in law's place, while a man is expected to earn for his parents and treated like a king at his in laws place.

    So I guess it adds up to the same thing.
     
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  3. Saisakthi

    Saisakthi IL Hall of Fame

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    Sister Grihani,

    :welcome to IL family, Yes it is Exactly True, SAIRAM
     
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  4. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I so badly wanted to reply to this post. Yes, I have a lady like this at my home... My MIL. She always thought of her son ( my DH) as an ATM machine. She always has her set of unreasonable and impractical demands ready with her which she believes her son is bound to fulfil. Just 2 mths back when we went native, she asked my husband to buy a plot for her in a plush area and build a two storey house for her so that she can give one floor on rent and come and stay with us whenever she wants..she need not worry abt the security of the house. My PIL already have a house of their own built by my FIL. When my husband suggested we will sell off the existing house and buy a new one ( he offered to buy a plot with this money since in the said area the cost of plots are quite high- it's in the mid of a city) and DH agreed to bear all the expenses of building a house, she clearly said "NO".. that house is for my grandchildren ( my SIL has 2 sons). When my DH said then I cant afford one as of now, she's saying you dont lie, i know you have lot of money.. In the same way, i have always seen she is partial to her daughter. She will always say: my poor daughter..she and her DH are struggling so much in an unknown place ( shes in dubai). Leave all this but what hurt me and DH the most is another event. My SIL bought a house for herself at native. My MIL was very thrilled and happy abt it. My DH always wanted to get settled at native after retirement. He has always been nostalgic abt hid native.. When he shared his thoughts with his mother she immediately said " Let an inheritor come for all that you already have, then think about future investments" ( since we dont have a child yet after 7yrs of marriage) . This left a deep wound in mine and my DH's heart. Although he wont express publicly, he was very hurt and from that day until today he maintains we will live and die here only and never settle at native. I felt sooo bad for him.. what if we never have a child in this birth?? Dont we have a right to life a decent life the way we want to?? If we dont have children, does that mean we have to live and die on the streets??
    I feel very sorry sometimes for my DH.. poor soul...

    Hope now you know such ladies exist.. who only care for their daughters and only treat their sons as ATM machines..
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
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  5. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    OP you just wrote my feelings..My heart feels so much the same..
    Wish I could share this,repost this or make the people read this who treat us like ATMs.
    It holds so much truth..
    Please send the link to your blog..I would love to read it..
     
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  6. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    My mil is one step ahead, she adopted two of her nieces because she only has two sons and always wanted to have a daughter so now she adopted two of them. All the family property went to them one was married off spending a lot of money. She expects us too bear the other girls wedding expenses. Both the girls are super mean always talking bad about me and my co sis. With all the emotional drama my mil does, She could have actually earned a lot of fame in Bollywood.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
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  7. dhivya rangarajan

    dhivya rangarajan Bronze IL'ite

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    This is so true! and so rarely talked about.. May be because of getting branded as the 'separator' of DH from his mom or as the "breaker of families' thinkingsmiley
     
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  8. anu1122

    anu1122 New IL'ite

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    Before marriage my PIL used my husband as ATM machine and he used to send whole salary to his father.When we got married he had only few thousands in his bank account and one point he needed some money in his bank account to show.In that time he went and asked his father but he was not ready to give even a penny.


    After this incident my husband only sends 1000-1500 every year and now they know they can't get any big amount from him. now they don't care even if we don't call them for weeks and they are not ready to spend few rupees to call my DH .They don't call my DH to wish on his birthday, they just give miss call. I never seen any money minded parents like my PIL.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
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  9. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    I think my mil is your pils lost sister or relative.
     
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  10. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    I might sound different from previous opinion but till now what I had seen (in my family , relatives or friends, I would say all from central India (MP and UP). I never saw if Sons's are treated like ATMs (this I came to know through IL only). I am the only daughter and only DIL in my family. Honestly, once I started earning I never expected any thing from my brothers or parents however whenever I go my SIL (brother's wife) will force me to do expensive shopping (gift) but I never did. But yes, if they buy anything for me I never said 'no' whether I liked it or not. I never heard my parents to ask my brothers for money though my mother give everyone (SILs, their kids and brother) some money for all festivals. This is trend what my mother followed from our childhood. Now instead of me she give to my SILs. Even for my marriage, my father gave equal money to my SILs to buy dress for them and kids. The one thing my brothers do is getting train ticket for my parents when they go for vacation (even sometime me and DH book ticket for them) or my parents visit them once in a 2 months so they take care of all the expenses (again my dad go farmers market everything so he buy vegetable). I never saw my aunt (father's sister) demanding any thing from my grand parents or my father or uncles. Similarly in my ILs place. My SIL neither demanded any thing from us/ILs nor my ILs asked us to give anything to them. However we make sure to send gifts them on occasions (once I sent smart phone to SIL and my MIL said what was the need to give expensive phone). One thing I saw is boys are always treated like prince in 90% of family. They inherit all the properties from parents though girls never other than expense what was done in marriage. I had seen DILs treated like princes and daughters like any thing. MIL cooking food who never cooked food for daughters. Same I saw with all my friends(again from same region), relatives..boys have rights on everything but girl is not considered as family once married.


    This might be my experience in my limited circle .
     
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