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Why are some husbands scared to make their wives equal partners in money matters?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nithya001, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been wondering for a while, how important is it for a wife to be financially secure. In my case my husband did not even get me a credit card after 3 years of marriage. I am totally dependent on him for just anything. Even for grocery shopping he is not comfortable in handing me his credit card. I Cannot work due to my visa status and have no bank account as well. I have no say over pretty much anything related to finances.

    I feel suffocated because of the stingy husband, but sometimes wonder should I worry about it at all? Is it really important to have some financial say to make a marriage work? Sometimes I feel I should try to overlook this attitude of my husband, but whenever he makes it a big deal if I want to buy something for myself, I feel really furious.

    On the other hand, I also wonder what goes in my hubby's mind that he can't even get me a credit card. What does he think i'll run away with his money or what. Why are some husbands like this?
     
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  2. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel some spouses want to maintain complete financial control out of a deep seated insecurity. They are scared that the spouse will run away with their money. Have you tried asking your husband for a credit card. I think it is important in case of an emergency plus you need to build your credit history.

    Kavya
     
  3. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Nitya,

    As Kavya says you need to have credit card in your own name to build your credit history. This will come in useful when it is time for you to buy a house or a car or even take out student loans for yourself or for your kids in your own name. So you should definitely give this importance.

    Regarding financial say in marriage, my belief is wife should be equal partner in everything. Both should trust each other or marriage will not work. If either partner is insecure and does not want to be transparent it will breed distrust and eventually disloyalty. So do broach the topic with hubby and ask him why he does not trust you with money or give you financial power / say in your marriage. You should tell him that you are not going to decamp with all his money! If he even suspects this of you then you have bigger problems than just money issue in your marriage.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Few reasons:
    1) They feel they know everything & thats in best interest.
    2) Learnings from a few incidents in past of family / friend.
    3) Being guided by parents to behave in a certain manner.
    4) Replicating wht their dad's did in their own house.
    5) They feel its their hard earned money & no one can spend it unnecesarily.
    6) Might have lost trust on spouse based on some experience.

    Pros:
    1) he cant blame you in future for misusing HIS money.
    2) He'll be whole n sole responsible for financial crises / investments.
    Cos:
    1) Its impossible for you to deal in emergency in a foreign land.
    2) U'll never get experience on financial part in changing world.

    Possible acitons:
    Request DH to get you a dependant CC.
    Start working for self financing.
     
  5. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Nithya,

    Probably ur DH is has not really given a thought of use cases where in you would need to act on your own.Discuss with him and let him know that it would save a lot of time and effort for him to accompany you every time u need to get something for home or shopping for that matter.

    Please do not think in ways like 'his money' and 'your money'. you are not partners in business :) Come on dear its life and he is ur better half :)

    Make him understand that you cannot wait for him every time before u make a purchase.

    Be bold in voicing ur opinions on finance and make him understand that you are a responsible spender and not a spendthrift.

    Its not necessary that he is keeping u out of finances purposely. Proably he may think that you are too innocent to handle finances.

    My FIL used to go to the shops himself every time be it every single item.So my mil never had the habit of going out of the house.

    In this case it myt not be necessary that he doesnt want his wife to go out - its because he doesnt want the lady at home to go to the shop apart from her daily chores at home

    ther are many ways of looking at it Nithya - not necessarily the negative angle. ASk your husband the real reason.

    Looks like this is the only issue with ur DH from ur post. Hence i think its the way he looks at it. Probably he dint want you to have the pain of handling finances .

    Talk to him and explain stuff and build the idea that u are responsible with finances- It myt take a period not a day or two if ur husband strongly bekives that u lack the smartness to handle finances. But this change needs to creepe in slowly.

    I second shilpa Ma in this - get a dependant CC.

    Until and unless u find that ur husband wants to safeguard 'his money' u need not bother about having any individual monetary means.
     
  6. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    Some DH’s don’t want to trust their wife and that’s the basis of all the financial insecurity. To change the situation why don’t you be proactive and start involving yourself in the financial decisions start with the home budget if you are not tracking your expenses start tracking all your day to day expenses even to a single $ and recommend some suggestions on how to better utilize the $ to get more and if you know driving start shopping around and find ways to save money. Look for good investments and make suggestions to him and after all this if he still does not change then you have to re-think about your position as a wife.
     
  7. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    hi nithya,

    in my opinion,this is nothing to worry about..i know many ppl , in US(my friends and cousins), on dependent visa do not have their own account/CC... nothing wrong or right about this..some husbands willing give their wives and some do not...
    if it is really bothering u, then try asking him for one...say u want to do grocery shopping alone since u have d time in the day and u want to get exposure to financial activities etc...

    and ,i agree with sarajara, if this is the only issue u have with DH then probably, he has overlooked it..he looks at you like u r his responsibilty so he does not think all this....

    aslo,Gijoe has mentioned a good option..start making monthly budgets...just tel ur DH dat u r drawing up an expenditure budget...and u want to keep track of money etc..this way,u can start off and also DH might see ur point in asking for CC etc
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010

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