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why are our DH not supportive

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rimiritu, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. rimiritu

    rimiritu New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    After reading so many thread i somehow wonder why our DH are not at all supportive or at least fair to their wife. They consider themselves very mature but they cannot handle or solve anything for us. It is because of their up bringing?? Our Culture?? Or God knows what ??

    They marry us and promise in all those vows that he will take care of his women but in the end we (women) stand there alone to face each and every single non-sense of his family....immediate and extended - gosh as if we are not equally human..... only my son is human ... he works he is tired so he is treated with extra special care and we d-i-l are just doormat ...

    The most important thing our DH should know that we leave everything behind our family, our siblings, friends, relative and most important thing our beautiful pampered life just to stay with you and this is what we get from your house..... stress / tense / frustration & unhappy life

    It is easily said for a relationship to work or healthy both parties have to work together but it seem that only we (women) are scarifying and compromising in everything to make everything work ...... why ???

    i know there are nice & supportive DH as well... but as far i have read in these forum i find every less supportive DH

    No hard feeling !!! No offend to others !!! just wanted to share what i felt !!!
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Our culture teaches that parents are like Gods and must be appeased no matter what the cost, no matter right or wrong. It also teaches that women are nomads shifting from one family to the next, while men stay in the same family forever, eventually becoming Kings of their clan.

    Kids are raised to believe that if they speak against their God-like parents, they are ungreatful brats. And women go through so much crap, that by the time they are mother's with son's in late 20's... they have become so thirsty for power and respect that they become the tyrannical mil's we see all too often.

    In a culture where parents and young men are deemed superior to all others, is it any surprise that these family struggles are so common?

    First steps:

    -debunk the idea that parents are Gods. God is God, parents are parents. God is perfection, parents are human... infact I believe it's bordering on blasphemous to even consider parents as our God. Give respect where respect is due, but never forget that WE OURSELVES will be or already are parents... and are we perfect? Am I perfect? No. If you are a young mom reading this today, do you consider yourself a God? No? Then why require your kids to view you as one? We are only small mortals, a mere blip on the pages of history.... time to get down from our mighty throwns and realize we can't hold a candle to God's perfection... so let's stop this "parents are like God's crap" before it gets anymore out of hand. I'm not a God, and neither are YOU... I know, I know, dissapointing, but that's just the way it is.

    -save for our own retirement. No more viewing kids as investments. That's disgusting. And please, stop talking about being entitled to the "fruit's of my son's labor". Don't want to pay for your kids clothes, food, upbringing and schooling? THEN DONT HAVE A KID! But don't have a kid, and then expect them to be eternally indebted to you. You had sex and birthed a kid? Wow, good for you. Now get over your greatness, raise your kid, and call it even. Don't be sticking your grubby hands in little Raj or Priya's pocket!

    -foster a culture of respect for women. All women. Not just the parent variety. Of all ages. All women should be getting respect, whether they are in the womb or in the tomb, whether they've had kids or not, married or divorced, fair or dark, wealthy or poor. If all women got respect, mother's would not become so possessive over son's (their source of respect in the community), and we would not have half of the mil problems there are today.
     
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  3. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    ASG, You are right, absolutely.

    If only that was possible!!!
    I wonder will we ever live to see that day?? At least, our generation should resolve to make it possible. We have had enough of these issues eating up our precious time and energy in our short lives.
     
  4. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Haven't you seen mahabharat in which because pandavas mother accidently said so..they share the wife too among five brothers and whenever i see see mahabharat they try to show how great and obedient they were.As per me its mere stupidity.I am telling you this because these things are so inherent in our culture and we listen these kind of things since childhood we ourself become a bit of gender biased,let alone indian men.
    "Obedience" ,"maa-baap ki seva" we hear these statements since childhood.
    I mean ,its the duty of parents to raise their kids..if they can not why do they even have kids.First they have kids without planning and later emotional blackmail them throughout their lives that how many hardships they had to go through just to raise them and after their marriage how their son and wife are obliged to sacrifice their own life to take care of them and be obedient and submissive to them.
    Its not parents fault to some extent because this is what we read in our books this is what we watch in those Ekta kappor's cheap operas..and this is human nature to absorb which they found of their personal interest.
    I am not saying we should not take care of parents when they grow old but if they give their kids(especially sons)some choice and not emotional blackmail them or pressurize them then may be he and his wife will do it willingly and they all can live their life in much better way because there will be less expectations.
    As far as husbands are concern they are also human being .they learn what they have seen their families and their relatives doing.Then it becomes their character.If they have seen women in their family submissive and man abusive then they think this is the right way and this first becomes their thinking then their character.
    So i think the roots of this gender biasness are very deep and we have to make sure that we give our children the right knowledge and right culture.Explain them everything what is good and what not and why is it good and why not as much as you can.
    The other day i was in a women group and we were discussing about eve teasing and how some men sexually harassed women in our college i mean we were just sharing the experience.So the conclusion and mind it it was from women only that "women are equally responsible as men".Why were they wearing the western clothes...etc.let me tell you they were just following the dress code of that particular educational institute and per rules there was nothing obscene in their outfit.Because something happened to them the first reaction from especially the women of that institute was it was women's fault.
    That's why i am saying it takes both the hands to clap.We all live in a environment where gender biasness is inherent.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
  5. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Our culture teaches that parents are like Gods
    I think it is only applicable to Boys parents and most of the girls parents are normal.
    we girls are at least able to speak/discuss what we wants and what we liketo our parents while for most boys /men it is just one way route and absolutely no two way communication at least this is true in my case.
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah Renu, and it's a very wrong thing. Neither boy's or girl's parents are like God's. They are just PARENTS, plain and simple. Neither set of parents are Gods. Yet BOTH sets of parents are EQUALLY worthy of respect, whether they have birthed a male or female child. Life would be so simple if we stopped assigning God status to everyone... no, parents are not like Gods. No, a bride is not like Goddess. No, a husband is not like God either. For crying out loud! They are just people who have given birth, a woman getting married, and a man turned spouse. Jeez, why do we over dramatize everything! :bonkCan't we just let God be God and people be people and respect all of those entities at the same time?

    And also one more thing I'd like to address that I've addressed before in this forum.... when a "boy and "girl" gets married, the parents need to face reality that it's an ADULT MAN and ADULT WOMAN getting married, not a literal BOY AND GIRL, and that if they're old enough to enter into such a serious committment, they are also old enough to handle life from here on out on their own. Guidance? Sure. Control over every aspect of their life? Should't be happening.

    <HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff; COLOR: #ffffff" SIZE=1>
    Thanks. I think so too.
     
  7. swaram

    swaram Senior IL'ite

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    I agree with most of the points thats been discussed above. My DH belongs to the category where his parents are his god and he will only do namaskar to his parents not god and give reasons like they are the ones who brought him up not god etc. He also believes that he should not utter one word against his parents even if he knows they are 100% wrong. He finds it unbelievable that i argue with my parents.

    My question is if that is the way parents brought up their kids, then we can blame them. but how is that in DH family only he has been brainwashed to be like that while his 2 sisters and his brother are not. they believe parents are parents and argue with them etc. His brother will not tolerate anything said about his wife by his parents or his sisters. Because he supports his wife - the rest of the family treats her with respect too.

    any thoughts on this?

    Swaram
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I've seen this too Swaram. I strongly feel that the husband sets the tone for how his wife will be treated and that the tone MUST be set from day one. If my dh had made it clear that nobody was allowed to mess with me.... the stuff that happened to me wouldn't have happened. Yeah, since then he has seen his parents true colors and taken a really strong stance against them, but it's an uphill battle because in their mind they know they've gotten away with it once... so they think maybe they can get away with it again. A husband HAS TO HAS TO HAS TO make it clear to his family that there's not going to be any nonsense. Why? Because when a guy demands respect for his wife, she's gonna get it.
     
  9. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]IMO majority of men are not good at handling emotions. They get confused. If I cry for something. My husband gets angry.....not because of issue I am crying...because of me crying.. I observed this mentality in my brother too and many of my friends who are guys say they hate when any girl cries. Just my observation though. It might be different...

    I think they are confused between parents and their wife as they equally love both of them. Its not who is first priority. Every relationship has its own place and no relationship can be substituted with another. So they are confused...whom to support whom to convince... so instead of trying to solve etc etc... they back off. They try to free their mind from the issue and sugar coat their heart saying everything is fine. In my opinion I guess they don't want to get into any issue and confuse themselves between emotions and they are not supportive.

    If a guy supports his parents (without knowing +ve's and -ves from the both sides..or without even knowing if wife has done any mistake or not ), then i think 1/2 of it he is doing it due to "pressure" from parents (even if they don't pressure him...he gets pressurized ) and 1/2 from being labeled as "hen pecked" if he listens to his wife. So instead of listening to actual issue and letting his mind to get confused by making choices and try to solve it , he follows what he has done from childhood (listening to parents) and scolds his wife.
    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
  10. rimiritu

    rimiritu New IL'ite

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    hey lovely ladies,
    was mess up with my own blunders could not check these reply..... you all know M-I-L

    understand that they teaches that parents are god...... sooo during the hindu wedding rituals even we are address as god groom as vishnu and bride as lakshami or are we just god for few hours during the ceremony only..... after that we are back to normal human or their sons are back to normal human but we gals are creatures for them.....gosshhhh i completely agree with you guys that the whole idea should be remove from now onwards if tomm i have a daughter i don't want her to go through the same mental stress that i am going thru...... cannot handle......

    i touch my in-law feet every morning and every night....... my fil said no need on the second day itself so i stop..... my mil hahahaha she never said to stop this whole drama drag for months then suddenly i stop by myself there was a period that we did not have maid so i had to do everything by myself..... so in the morning who bother to do all that.... i guess she is kinda upset with it...... but then i don't think that it is my fault ... i think she see alot of these non-sense serial/soap and think all dil should be like that.... :bowdown

    if you all have read my another post on 'possessive and controlling mil' she is trying very hard to get my husband attention ..... and currently she is trying to make be feel very bad abt myself..... whenever she feel like talking nicely she will talk or else she will have a harsh tone like i have done something wrong....... i am trying to ignore but her present is really very irritating she knows that i am ignoring her...... i get irritating by just seeing her face.....

    she has this problem that in front of everyone only she have to be the best and she is always right.... everybody should compliment and praise her which i never do gosshhh .... i am trying very hard to keep myself cool..... thank god and touchwood my husband listen to me but i am scared that one day even he will get mad at all this small small things happening around and he will not bother.... not like he will not support me but u know guys they might get fed up with all these non-sense behavior

    currently i am trying to spend as much time as possible with DH as i am not working but currently looking for one..... i think this is a best time that i have to make my relationship very strong because i am scared that later once i work i will not be around and slowly slowly when i am not around the house mil can brainwash him..... which i think it is possible...... and now mil is very irritated of me becoz of the love and understanding we have between each others i really have to build this relationship..... as strong as possible

    ohhh yaa..... i think mil instructed the maid not to let me do anything in the kitchen..... i was about to make tea for my husband she came in and said i will do imagine the maid..... i don't want to waste my energy with the maid but gossshhhh how childish can mil be !!!!! will they ever mature ??? she think she was born before us so she knows more ....... i really wish to tell her that...... shaadi karke ek ladki aurat nahi ban jaati aur bache peda karne se ek aurat maa bhi nahi ban jaate ........ gossshhhh...... to mature & earn respect has a lot more to do not just that..........

    was feeling very low these few days....... feeling much better now after writing all this..... needed to share.....

    dear friends,
    pls tell me am i wrong not to praise her ???
    not to do everything as she want?? or to ignore her??

    i don't want it to be like this...... even i want a healthy relationship and communication but i can't just live the life that she have draw for me i don't want her controlling me in everything.......:drowning
     

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