Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 21, 2020.
Is this a birth defect?
You can find one in my home too
OK hopefully the last one from me for a bit...
My friend was relating their trip to the drugstore to get a flu shot. She, her husband and their college aged son who is attending college from home, online.
She checks with all and only then takes the flu shot appointment. But after lunch when reminded about it, they ask if it can be postponed. No it cannot.
She has told them they will take only one car. And only insurance cards and driver's license inside the store as the pharmacy said no payment is needed. Tells the men it is a flu shot only visit, no shopping around or going to aisles needlessly.
Sure enough, when standing in line, the men pull out thick wallets with all cards in them, and now all that needs to be sanitized. : )
They reach home, and innocently ask why the jackets have to also be washed... do the jeans really have to put in the wash? They didn't sit anywhere.. so still wash?
: ) : ) At least this battle I didn't have to fight. Sent family the link to take appointment, and magically all of them got the shot within 3 days, independently.
To my mild horror, it seems to be manifesting itself in the next generation too. I have obviously done all I could to bring up my son so he does his chores like my daughter. But, still I find that what comes naturally to my daughter, takes some reminding for him and that too in a diplomatic tone with no traces of "why do I have to remind you?"
She is no pushover and is quite vocal about getting her fair share and not doing too much, but still I often see her simply doing his chore because it is overdue, the next chore depends on it, or it is simpler to do it herself. Shudder. : ) And if I tell her not to do her sibling's chores, I come across like a horrible human being. : )
@Rihana you have mentioned everything happening at Indian household. I can relate to most cases.
You left the count less phone calls, facetime on grocery shopping wrt to item, brand , lbs. When the husband goes for shopping.
Though the lady of the house would have written clearly
My husband had to be trained to put coffee cups in sink. If he forgets he has to make his own coffee, I won't do. One day I found him drinking coffee in same cup without washing. from that day I was clear in instructions.
My child is only 6 far more efficient puts her shoes in rack, socks in laundry, coats, jackets in hanger. Dishes in sink. She even sees the ceramic glasses and steels puts at divider.
When I ask him to take trash out,
don't even get me started recyle ones he forgets, says you told only trash.
Usually elders would say quoting younger how should they behave. My case I tell my DH see the child learn from her.
Sick mom's pick up kids , do one pot dishes. Somehow manages to come of illness.
the kind of Man im married too, i thought it will not be the case but alas its genetic , its chromosomal i think.That "Y" chromosome is doing all this.
You ask “why”, so my random thoughts on that.
We (as women) have been told subtly, clearly and in every way possible from the time we are young girls - that we are responsible for the well-being of our families (our families of origin and the ones we create for ourselves), so we take it upon ourselves to keep up with unwritten expectations.
Every book, movie, ad, aunt and uncle, parent, grandparents - conveys this to us. Even in the best of cases - they do it through positive reinforcement. (If someone gave me negative re-inforcement, I’d run the opposite direction to rebel).
Small example: I go to India with appropriate gifts for relatives. And I am praised as the mother of family. Looking back, I think the adrenalin rush makes me take it up again next time.
A friend posts a picture-perfect family pic for Diwali with home decorated with every glittery prop that Diwali musters out of your boxes and from the Indian store. We all know the chaos that goes behind these manufactured (yet delightful) pics. The entire extended family in comments and behind-the-scenes-comments on the lady of the household - who despite holding two under-5s, matches family outfits, and recreates the past with the best Diwali even for her young ones, yada, yada…
The “kick” of this positive re-inforcement keeps her on-the-hook for the next festival. :-D
The unkempt home is a reflection on the wife of the family - no matter how "cool" and equal the husbands might be. So even if a driveway meetup, I rush to wipe down the bathroom sink next to the garage since the visiting friend just might need an urgent bio-break. (all learnt through a terrible prior experience )
How do we break this cycle? The time is now. How do we make our sons equally responsible? Just how? Even if not for making it happen, we need to dissect the issue - so in 1 more generation (20 yrs?) - our daughters - get a breather to look out their windows and drive their cars out to their joys outside of home and work (and not just before marriage if they choose to marry).
Although the term "shared" parenting, equal parenting, equal marriage were terms only in my mind, I didn't know there was a detailed manifesto for it. Got to know about when I started reading about Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently from her wikpedia article:
Ruth Bader Ginsburg - Wikipedia
That lead me to:
Shared earning/shared parenting marriage - Wikipedia
I have read only parts of it - and need a lot more time to process all of the info in ^^. Just sharing here in case it piques others' interests too.
Some gems from it:
"If the woman breastfeeds, this is typically the most significant challenge in accomplishing equal child care. To manage it, the man makes an effort to spend as much time with the baby as she spends on breastfeeding, perhaps focusing particularly on other child care needs like bathing, diaper-changing, or other interactions with the baby, and will feed breast milk that is pumped if covering feeding times when the mother is at work or unavailable. Some families defer part or all of the father's equal leave from paid work until after a child's breastfeeding is complete."
"A study has found that children with dads actively involved during the first eight weeks of life manage stress better during their school years. And, as Dinnerstein predicted, a Harvard University study found paternal involvement with young children was the single strongest parent-related factor in whether that child, when reaching adulthood, shows capacity for actual empathy (as distinct from co-dependence or narcissism)."
^ That last bit would be amazing stuff on what we could achieve with equal parenting.
You lucky woman. For most of us, it turns out like this:
Nice thoughtful gift - the son bought it. Said son doesn't even care to refute the undeserved compliment.
Gift not liked by the recipient: the DIL's idea. She spent money and time so carelessly. Son doesn't even care to defend DIL by saying that he was the one who said to buy shoe size 9 or T-shirt size M.
I hate such women and their abilities. A few Diwali's ago, one neighbor brought over a plate of home made mithai's. As I was about to fill it with Indian store-bought ones to return, DH so innocently, well-meaningly, helpfully, asks if we have any homemade ones to give as doesn't look nice to give store-bought ones when she gave us homemade ones.
Seriously? How long have we been married? When was the last time I made one of the two mithai's I can make? Did you see any mithai being made in the last few days? Then, why that question when I am filling the neighbor's plate (which happens to be a fancy one from Crate and Barrel when mine are the green buta ones every desi family has from Corel?
After the sweets plate has been dispatched with a kid, I ask him why he has to ask about home-made mithai. He says, 'why are you getting worked up? i just asked. why are you getting defensive? just say no'
And more: this man must surely be doing this on purpose. He says, "are you sure sending it with kid is fine? she came herself to give the sweets."
!%#@ I am wearing sweat pants and a comfortable plaid flannel shirt. Why don't you change into a kurta pyjama (don't ask me where it is), and go give the plate? As we can see in the dim lights of the diyas/candles on their driveway, her husband is all dressed up too.
This is so recursive. : ) This task of making sons equally responsible as daughters also falls on the mothers. Ads show the mother or MIL doing the job of raising a son like a daughter or telling the son to go make chai for the bahu who is also as tired as him.
I raise both of my kids the same way. But I can see the effect of Y chromosome vs X chromosome. Female is designed to be a nurturer. So she can multi task and can tune into the fine details. We are detail oriented but those with Y chromosome has this big picture design and proud to be a provider or protector. Post by @nuss clearly indicates its universal. Our Indian patriarchal upbringing add more to this problem
Just for fun watch this video. May get some enlightenment . Yes
true, it might be chromosomal in origin. (haven’t read enough to know the details of how and why this happens though)
however, even if it might be chromosomal differences, as women “nurturers”, in just say the last 200 yrs - we have been able to diversify our roles in society to so many fields that we weren’t involved in for all the prior years of human existence. It hasn’t been easy, and women have had to do it amidst a “systemic” framework that were not setup for their success outside the home.
So why should men not work beyond their chromosomal tendencies to pull their weight in running a household + parenting till we get to an equal footing? that should be the goal, na? earnestly asking….
If we accept this as an *inherent tendency*, then,
the pro is:
- we are more understanding when we see differences and this is important for the men who are loving and caring and importantly trying to be better.
the con is:
- we become accepting when we see it around us when instead we should be saying/doing something about it.