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Why are educated working women afraid of their unreasonable in-laws ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by persecutedDIL, Jan 24, 2014.

Have you suffered this at the hands of in-laws ?

Poll closed Feb 13, 2014.
  1. MIL created havoc during pregnancy

    11 vote(s)
    33.3%
  2. PILs interfered in sexual privacy

    6 vote(s)
    18.2%
  3. Unreasonable contributions from salary extorted by PILs

    6 vote(s)
    18.2%
  4. PILs restricted travels to parents

    12 vote(s)
    36.4%
  5. Disproportionate largesse donated by husband all the time

    11 vote(s)
    33.3%
  6. Daily whims of MILs in kitchen and house

    23 vote(s)
    69.7%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    I have come across so many posts where DILs rant about the unreasonable expectations of in-laws. I am not even referring to demands of dowry, or gifts demanded during and before marriage. And I am certainly not referring to minor differences, interferences or squabbles caused by difference of opinions, perspectives or power-imbalances.

    I am referring to cases where MILs create havoc during pregnancies of DILs jeopardizing their mental well-being and physical health, PILs interfere in sexual privacy of couples causing regular squabbles between them, demand unreasonable contributions from salary of DILs, prevent them from meeting their parents or restricting the travels (frequency or duration or both) of women to their parents' place, make unreasonable financial demands from sons at the cost of the secure future of DIL's family.

    What is the reason that women are ready to give up their jobs even when there is no issue of baby-care simply because husband or in-laws wanted so ? Why are women ready to take up disproportionately high share of work or responsibilities thus physically or financially or emotionally burdening themselves ?

    It beats me to think that women are ready to bear so much at the sake of their self-respect and for what ? What benefits do such women envisage accruing from their deferential behaviour towards in-laws ? If there are no benefits, is it to prevent a loss that women are ready to sacrifice their self-respect ? Or is it just a fear of being stamped with a 'bad DIL certificate' ? Or is it that we women are actually the weaker sex ?

    For especially the five cases mentioned below:
    a.) MILs creating havoc during pregnancies of DILs
    b.) PILs interfering in sexual privacy of couples
    c.) Unreasonable contributions demanded from salary of DILs almost akin to extortion
    d.) Preventing DILs from meeting their parents or restricting their travels to their parents' place.
    e.) Demanding large and disproportionate sums from sons jeopardizing the future of sons and DILs

    what stops the women from raising a voice of dissent and putting their foot down ?

    I am especially astounded to see working and educated women suffering in silence or bowing down to these demands at the cost of their health and well-being. The question is why do women do this ? Is it not a game of "Lose self-respect to gain peace with hubby " or am I overlooking something ? Please enlighten, but only with respect to the five cases enumerated above.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2014
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  2. pinkRoseBud

    pinkRoseBud Gold IL'ite

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    May be, they are afraid of losing their husband's love. Men and Women both need to realize that men need their wives too as much as wives need their husbands. Many times, lack of this knowledge makes men have their ego and women bend down to unreasonable expectations.
     
    4 people like this.
  3. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    The main factor is that we want to maintain peace. We enter the in-laws household wanting to be the perfect DIL..all lovey dovey..and in a way, gaining acceptance with your H is directly proportional to gaining acceptance with your MIL. So we go out of our way to please the MIL..The MIL in turn sees you as a stranger who has come to usurp her place in the household..Someone who has come to change the equilibrium that SHE has been maintaining. End result - resentment.
    I am educated and working. But I still have difficulty in answering back to my ILs because:
    1) i treat them as guests. And I have been raised to be polite with guests
    2) I consider them 'elders who deserve respect' even though they dont
    3) I just dont want to quarrel with my H over a trivial matter as to 'where to put the masala dabba'..If she wants it her way and will leave me alone - let the masala dabba sit on my head.really.I dont mind.
    So what is often perceived as our 'fear' of these ILs, is actually a passiveness of 'letting things be the way so that we have one less thing to worry about'.
     
    13 people like this.
  4. aashuabhi

    aashuabhi Gold IL'ite

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    I completely agree with Gauri.

    I as DIL would like to have peace at home and i dont want to run to my DH for every small thing she does or says. So I feel its better to give in a little and have peace at home. But interestingly, peace at home does not mean peace with oneself. I burn in rage if she taunts me or even worse pulls my parents in between any fight. But sometime I ignore it and sometimes i burst out.
     
  5. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    For me it had to do a lot with self esteem and personally being a people pleaser. I always wanted everyone to like me and IL no different and tried and tried and finally gave up when it was costing my sanity. Also i had a lot lower self esteem so would take things personally and assume everything was my fault and they were right and continuously tried to fix my self until a therapist and God helped me work on my self esteem and self love. Once this happened all other things started falling in to place. Now I could care less if I offend or tick off IL, too bad sooo sad. They took advantage of me in the past but I won't let them do it again.
     
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  6. momtoabhitanu

    momtoabhitanu New IL'ite

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    My H along with his parents took advantage of my low self-esteem. After 14 years, I am saying "Enough" and he is asking for another chance. Confused whether to give or not. I can handle myself, but more worried about kids. What to do ?
     
  7. Nd123

    Nd123 Gold IL'ite

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    Society and our parents have brainwashed into thinking that a good women should sacrifice and adjust. She should not put her desires and comfort first but derive happiness looking at other's happiness in other words absolutely no emotional independence.

    Once we start putting ourselves first and are OK with not being 'good', most of the issues will be resolved.
     
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  8. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    For me the main reasons are

    1) Would lose DH support
    2) Dont want to lose peace at home
    3) Dont want to give too much importance to them
    4) They are after all DH's parents / elders

    I think at the end of the day My ILs ( and i am guessing many are) good ppl at heart who are just plain insecure and jealous of DILs which leads to house control and control of the son ( my DH)..if this part is eliminated..they are not bad ppl

    And society and tv serials play a major role in creating divide between MIL and DIL as a perception is formed before even the relationship is given a chance to nuture ..so when a small thing happens MIL labels DIL as the evil person and vice versa..thanks to the society


    After 5 years raised my voice against them and now have lost support of DH..last 4 years had DH support when I was quiet ( he spoke on my behlaf and i ignore and didnt give too much importance)..but now when I lost my patience and hit the ceiling have lost H support.!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2014
  9. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    The above points really played havoc in my life for nearly 15-16 years until my MIL left to her heavenly abode. Though they are only memories now but it's still haunting me & what did I gain after all even after I silently went through those mental torture, nobody is appreciating me for my patience for bearing with her for so many years, I sometimes get angry with my own stupidity.. the end results I have lost those wonderful years which would never come back..

    Yes! my hubby is a wonderful man but had to give in when it comes to his mother.. so no direct support from him, more over he being the only Son so no question of moving out.. had two SIL's who cleverly controlled everything by phone calls and I had to fight the battle alone.. no support from parents either.. they were and still are with the mentality that DIL's should adjust...

    Now I pray that my daughters life should never be like mine.. first I want her to be a confident woman and would never get her married until she is crossed at least 25 years , the biggest mistake my parents made was getting me married when I was only 20.5 years.
     
  10. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Like all the posters so far have said, its just for the peace we would have at home. My in-laws are far away, but they may come stay with us permanently soon. If I were to be angry with them and openly voice my opinions, it would not affect my husband, but would my son. For him they are his beloved grandparents, and as grandparents they really love him unconditionally.

    But coming specifically to points where they have hurt me. One that even 12 years later I can never forget is when we called to tell them that I was pregnant (after 2 miscarriages and lots of doctor visits). These were the reasons they were angry:

    1) We waited 3 months to tell both sides of the family (could you blame us? we wanted to make sure this baby was going to go past the 3 month mark before announcing)
    2) It was my husband's decision to call my family first. It was my mother's birthday and we decided to give this news as a birthday present. MIL was mad that we called my family before his. (Another reason we did this was because my parents are up at 6am, and inlaws never wake up before 9.30)
    3) After we passed on that news to them, my FIL sent DH an e-mail:"Dear S, we are so happy that you are going to be a father and making us grandparents. God bless you" .... no mention about me becoming a mother and no blessings for me.
    4) The decision to bring my parents for my delivery was once again made by my husband. I asked him which set was going to come, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said your parents, who else? When in-laws came to know that was it. My MIL never talked to me even once during the pregnancy, never asked about the health of the baby etc. Worst of all she took out her anger at my mother as if it was she who made the decision.
    Finally 6 months after delivery they came and had to ice the cake by saying I was an awful mother.

    O well...it hurts, but what pushed me through those months was the fact that I had a husband who understood what I was going through and took care of me like I was the first woman on earth to have a baby.
     
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