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Why Am I Still Staying With Him/

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shwetha12, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    As he believes it so strongly, can there possibly be something wrong in your content of talking with him ?

    And the worst part is , you are clueless about it ?!

    Just an example : you keep giving him Advices now and then to make things he do better out of pure goodwill. But on the other h
    end, he feels it is an unwarranted intrusion into his personal space.

    Not to offend you; but to make you introspect if anything is wrong at your end.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Don't worry, everything will be alright. Give some more time. Both of you are nice people,you don't have any serious issues in marriage and are blessed in many aspects. That's why you are finding it difficult to accept this new situation.

    First, do some introspection. Was there constant fights, nagging or any thing of that sort, in your life. Was the last fight a serious one or on a serious topic?

    May be he is stressed out due to his job or anything else? When one is tired mentally and physically , they get irritated for even casual questions. They may feel we don't care or even understand them. If there is lot of mood swings , that can create confusion in spouse and can hurt them. It is like emotional bouncing..too difficult to handle it. That is mostly when one find it is better not to interact with the other is a better way to gain peace of mind. They think interacting with spouse is too stressful...

    I have also felt this way manytimes in my life for no obvious reasons- may be some hidden resentment in my mind is the reason or may be stress. In those times, being emotionally distant for sometime helped me. Lot of space and time is required-healing time needed.

    In your case, you tried your best to solve the issue. He is not eating from home. That indicates he is deeply hurt or there is some other reason . He is trying to create an insecure feeling in you. If you think you dont have a clue, dont fall into that trap.

    I can understand what is going on your mind. First accept the reality. It may be tough for first few weeks , later you will come in terms with it

    So take a break. If he want peace let him get it as much as wants. If he ignore you, ignore him .

    You have to show him his silent treatment has no effect on you. Like other ladies suggested, have a blast for yourself. Enjoy as much as you can. Just imagine and behave as if he don't exist in your home. Don't even acknowledge his presense or do anything for him. Do every thing as usual. Take care kids, home and most importantly you. Ignoring is a powerful tool. Use it in this situation.

    Use this break as a relaxing time as you don't have to worry about what to cook for him . Go out, enjoy with kids or friends..dress well. Take care of yourself well in all aspects.

    Be happy or pretend happy in front of him. He should get a feeling that you are happy without him. If he wants to join your team he can, if not you don't care , that should be the attitude. But keep an eye on him.

    I am sure he will come around. Wait till he come to you, even if take another month. That time don't fight again. Once every is back, then you can tell him you cannot agree with this behaviour or how hurt you were etc..

    Still, I think it is better to keep communication open. If you have to convey anything about kids or home, tell him even if he don't respond. Or you can text him. Giving back silent treatment won't work all the time. He has to do all his duties as a father even if he don't talk to you.

    OP, we are too dependent on dh emotionally and connect our happiness with them. That's why one get hurt easily. A slight detachment or a neutral approach will help to gain back our peace of mind. Almost every one needs their own space or happy world to relax instead of depending on others for happiness.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  3. bulesha

    bulesha Silver IL'ite

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    He :I have many things that I don't like In you.

    You: We will discuss it & will sorte them out.
    He : I am happier and peaceful without talking to you

    You : But I am not in peace without talking to you & it is reflecting to children also.

    He: We have zero respect for each other

    You: I don’t know how you got this impression but I respect you in every way.


    He : I think we don't love each other anymore

    You : But I love you.


    He :Yes I don't feel bad not talking to you ; rather I am happy not talking to you

    You: But I and children feel bad but if you are happy by not talking so its ok but at least talk to the children, have your food.


    He : We always have 2 words

    You: No 3 words, I love you.

    It might have melted him, may be a little bit. But ego block the way.
     
    zeppelingirl and Sandycandy like this.
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel lives have become monotonous in the US.Almost same routine and same chors and men and women didn't have many opportunities to see other families and learn from them.,
    Do you guys go to the gym?If not, do that.
    Is your husband wanted to do something but not able to do it?See that he can take up?
    If he drives more then that is also the root cause of unhappiness.His unhappiness may be not because of you,,it could be other issues but it's easy to blame on spouses instead of self-retrospect.
    So don't beat your self, just go easy.Sometimes people say works and don't mean anything.
    Whatever may be the argument,it could be simple for you but it may not be simple for him;
    Just say sorry and ask him what bothered him and try to understand and go from there .....
     
    lavani likes this.
  5. BerryPine

    BerryPine Gold IL'ite

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    He has all right to find his peace but not at the cost of your emotions. Lets not be one of those kitchen equipment to produce food. Just open up to him and pull out those emotions. He wants a divorce or what?
    Are you sure that he is not having any extended relationship be it an emotional support?
    Staying in a marriage for the sake of kids, would cause an intense unrepairable damage amid kids.

    Talk,repair,fix,settle and repeat!
     
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, what do you want? Let’s leave his happiness aside for a bit, what is it that you want?

    Do you also feel the same way about him? Kids aside, what do you feel? Lets take it from there. To hell with everyone else’s issues. Lets focus on yours and yours alone. You will find answers from there. Not him, not kids. Its you that matters the most. Its your happiness that matters the most. Lets start there
     
  7. shwetha12

    shwetha12 Bronze IL'ite

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  8. shwetha12

    shwetha12 Bronze IL'ite

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    It’s the same situation ... now I am confident that he has lot of ego . I took a break from work for an year . We built a house. Now I started job hunting again for 2 weeks now .
    I have two offers .
    As per your suggestion ... I changed a lot . I don’t beg . And am not just acting but truely am a happier person.
    We sleep in separate rooms due to younger one(4 years) , certification studies or his office work .. little did I know that my hubby really wants to sleep in separate room .
    On new year eve .. we gang of friends were playing couple games and one question that was posed to my husband was ... what one thing you want to change in your wife . We both have to write answers ...
    if we match we get point .
    My instant answer was everything and he wrote .. have discipline and dedication towards anything in life and strive to achieve it . Everyone one was like ... she is the best of all of us .....
    Then my husband said .... cooking is nothing .. who wants food . Self goals are important .
    Now... only I know he is talking about my weight .
    fast forward ... we are happily living like good roommates . He dint even know that I felt bad or little did he care . In the past .. even if I was in tears .. he never bothered to ask me why.
    I want to loose weight .. but for myself not because someone is forcing me .
    Good qualities are many ... even if you are living in the same house .. you don’t know that something is wrong between us ...
    in-laws calls, house hold chores , favorite foods , children responsibilities .. both of us take care equally . If not... he does more .
    Today .. Is Valentine’s Day . Though we are acting like happy people . None of us wished each other . I did not wish because ..
    he is the one who has complaints.. so am not sure .. if I am his Valentine. He did not wish me ... carried my little ones valentines class gifts and went to office . He called me after 10 minutes to tell me that he forgot his office desk keys and If I could come to parking lot to give keys . He took the keys and pulled his window down and said .. hey pls put the garbage can back from the street.
    He is a greatest dad and also for me best care taker in terms of material needs . he holds a big architect position ... super busy with office work but he actually loves the accomplishments. He is kind of a person who believes .. work is a worship . He is from top institutes in the world. He is a great sportsperson and fit in physique . Very patient and extremely kind towards subordinates, colleagues and friends . Yet not boring ... he is the center when friends gather ... very humorous , enjoys food and little drinks .. definitely good looking .
    my children will definitely be well taken care by him . I feel my existence doesn’t matter here for him . My children ... love me too.
    I have very good relation with in-laws .
    But I cannot bear the pain of non existing to someone . I am choking . My head spins ..As I want to take a decision .
    I thought of pursuing job in another city but my little one is little delayed due to my
    Sluggishness last year in the break. Now he picked up very well with the school and my constant engaging him several activities. I don’t want to affect his life .
    What do I do .. what do I do ...
    Now I am 1000% confident that if I am not the one pleasing, pleasing , begging ... he will never Reconcile .
    Please don’t say it’s affair . He is super busy with office , children and I have access to everything. 1000% it’s not affair because he is super honest in anything he does .
     
  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    when I read your post you know what I am hearing from your husband's point of you -

    She is not sleeping next to me, she is not attractive and doesnt do anything to make her self attractive to me.

    You are saying he is fit and great. When he is making a huge effort to be great husband why cant you put some effort.
    You might think, he is all chirpy and enjoying life and you are non-existent. You made yourself non-existent. You made his love, romance and sex life non-existent. Sleeping in 2 rooms is the worst arrangement EVER. Even if you have 10 kids, husband and wife should always sleep in the same bed. Sleeping separately is a hop and a skip to emotional breakup and lifelong loveless marriage.

    Please lose weight, move into the bedroom and work things out. He will surely let his ego and cooperate.
     

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