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Whose money is with you!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mlost, Dec 3, 2010.

  1. mlost

    mlost New IL'ite

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    i have no friends whom i can this.

    I dont work hence i dont earn and has zero income.
    So what is 'my money' for you??
    my husband gave me a credit card and each month he gives me some money as cash.
    but still its deeply imprinted that its his money.
    my mother was employed hence there was her money and father's money.
    My parents have not given me as money since i am here.
    i have stopped gifting my husband since its like buying gifts with his money for him:hide:

    i sometimes keep feeling bad about all this.
    So wat other money do you have..?
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    you know what leme give you an example
    when i was a kid i used to get pocket money veyr very little amounts..i used to save them all and when its my dads birthday i used to gift him something that comes in my budget..its all my dads money but i still remember my dads eyes and glow in it when i gift him:hatsoff..so if u are a home maker nothing to feel low..you are using your dh's money not someone elses...so cheer up..else if u are really not comfortable with present setup try looking for job :my2cents
     
  3. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Mlost

    I take it that you are on H4 visa! If you are, you are not alone in feeling like this. Especially when you have been used to all your needs being taken care of by parents, it is quite common to feel lost with regards to money matters with another person, the husband.

    Why do you feel the money is imprinted as "his"? Does he restrict you from spending or does he keep asking you to account for what you spend? Remember that you are in a far better position compared to many ladies here. Your husband has given you a credit card and some money which I assume is yours to spend the way you want. Many women do not have that kind of freedom.

    I was in the same position as you some 4.5 years back, until I started working. I used to feel extremely awkward to ask to spend though I had complete freedom to do so. And for the first 1.5 yrs or so, when I wasn't working, I never gifted my husband anything. I only did what I could do, cook him his favorite meal on special days! It seemed a good enough gesture. Now, though both of us have "our own" savings to our name, we have stopped giving gifts to each other because it just seems like a huge pain to try and guess what the other person might like and to order it online or to go out and buy it! We have just decided that if we want something that badly, we would just get it then and there, instead of some special occasion or wait for the other person to buy it for them!
     
  4. charvi2811

    charvi2811 Junior IL'ite

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    Hey,

    Marriage is not just money , it is so much more.

    Marriage means you and me becomes "US" and mine and yours become "OURS" , give some more time to your relationship and the bond between you two will grow stronger and these divisions shall merge.

    You may not be earning money but you are contributing in your own way in your married life.

    One should try to be financially independent no doubt, double incomes are always better and you can always pick up a job if you really feel so but do not let this dent your self esteem.
    I am sure a majority of women in this forum too would be happily married "homemakers".

    My favorite oneliner for DH is: "Whatever is yours is mine and whatever is mine is mine"
     
  5. DNM

    DNM Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with Charvi. You are cooking, cleaning house, doing laundry etc - aren't people paid for those things in India? Not that you are glorified maid or anything but you are contributing; even emotionally by being suportive of your husband and keeping him happy. Those things cannot be measured or paid for.

    Your parents were happy to take care of you and didn't keep an account which they asked you to pay up after age 18, I assume? Why wouldn't your DH want to do the same - take care of you that is? I know many men feel good about keeping thier wives content, wanting nothing - they would buy the moon if they could.

    If you want to work to contribute to the society, be more useful using your education and talent then that is different. But don't go to work thinking you will repay your DH. I doubt that he will enjoy that - it will feel like a slap in his face.

    Unless your DH has indicated by word or actions that the money is his and that he gets to choose what to do with it, then you have no reason to feel bad or obligated. All Indian men who bring thier wives on H4 know very well that they are responsible for thier wives. I would fo as far as to say most Indian men that marry know that they are responsible for their wives - financially or otherwise. Women too are responsible for thier husbands, for their well being. It goes with the teritory.

    Think of it this way - you are each taking care of each other in the best way you know how and can.

    Marriage is not business. It is supposed to be the relationship of a lifetime. This is your life partner - with whom you are going to raise a family. There should not be any room for account keeping. Ok?

    Enjoy your time at home. Spend the money. Take care of yourself. Take care of your DH and your marriage. Study, find work or do what makes you happy. Be happy.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2010
  6. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

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    What is this "my" money and "husband's" money? It is your money. Does your husband tell you that it is his money whenever he gives you cash or constantly reminds that you are not making money? What makes you to feel like that? In my opinion, most husbands don't even bother about such things. In my case my wife has a credit card and an ATM card and she never abuses it.
     
  7. reverie

    reverie New IL'ite

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    Hey mlost…
    Don’t feel bad…Looks like you have a lot of inferiority complex…It is not good for your marriage. Once you are married, whatever money that comes in is family money & don’t ask your parents for a single penny…
    Being a homemaker is one of the most difficult things to do. Try to do most of the house administration work…Engage in some interesting hobbies…Don’t just stick to cooking n cleaning and watching soap operas….If you like, try to go for higher studies…or a part time job…
     
  8. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    OP,

    I am sorry to say this but I believe you are feeling bad unnecessarily. Your husband gave you a credit card and some cash and I think you are fortunate that he even gave you access to the credit card and gave you money to spend. Not everyone is fortunate enough- am one of them.

    Coming to my situation: I have been working since I graduated (my DH didn't bring me here on a H4). I know I can't take a break and sit back and use my husband's credit cards. He wouldn't spend money on groceries or anything if I sit at home. I HAVE to pay the rent or I am on the streets. I take care of my Apt as if am single...
    I work my a** off or I go back home to my parents or I am on the streets begging for food. I know life is tough and could be much worse than this. I consider you very fortunate
     
  9. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    cp,
    what do you mean? He'll ask you to move out if you dont pay the rent!?
     
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    CP, calm down..:) . I hear your rage loud and clear...It is sad some men do this to their wives who are in real sense their Ardhangani. That is what the sacred relation says... It is not easy to understand why would someone behave inhuman even if relations are bad....sad but true

    OP in your case unless your DH tells you something , I dont know why you feel bad just because you are sit at home ...you have not come like a stranger or guest, you are his wife and all rights you have. You have Cr card and he gives cash to you , if he never bothers you should not feel guilty. You gifting him out of his own money is not a problem, please continue to do that as it is gesture of love. If he says something like why you wasting it will be bad of him, which if he has not done, you are quite ok....He has to respect your independence even if you are a dependent as of now...

     

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